i am really screwing things up for myself..big time...like i am just making one bad choice after another right now and im not sure how to fix anything...im stuck somewhere between really not caring and really just wanting it all to be ok..:( i wish i could even juts say that i was struggling bbut im not..not in a way that is obvious to anyone else...my meds are keeping me from really feeling the stress of the predicament that i have gotten myself into..
well ok...the first thing that is going on is that i am tired..really truly i could fall asleep at any minute of the day tired..i sleep on night..i wake up and want to go back to sleep..i drive and can almost feel my eyes trying to close..i want to sleep and thats all i want to do..i work all day and sleep all night and im afraid that im not really functioning anymore..and im not sure what it is about...i mean im not even taking the sleep meds during the week...because they really make me sleep...and i sleep all night for the most part without them..but maybe im not getting any deep sleep or something..sometimes i wake up a lot during the night..and sometimes i sleep so much and then wake up and im still tired and worn out..all i seem to do is sleep and work and not do paperwork because im tired and cant focus and just cant seem to get myself to do it....now my meds are the same..and they have been the same for a while now..and they are like well i didnt think they were to high but i dont know..maybe they are to high..maybe i need a different med that doesnt make me feel so tired..but i dont want my meds to change either..maybe i need a med that will give me more engery...maybe i need to get a something more activating..i dont know..i dont want the doc to stop anything..well i do want some things changed..but i really feel like im very close to not being able to even function anymore or make it through the day or anything..i dont want to do anything but sleep..thats all..i would be happy to just sleep forever right now..all i have to do is lay down and im asleep within minutes..and thats after sleeping all night and maybe even taking a nap during the day...its frustrating ..very frustrating ...
and on the work front..im not turning in my notes..and i realize that i am doing it to pretty much sabatage myself...like i think the underlying thought is that i want to be fired from my first job so that i can move on and find a job that pays on time..but because im afraid to actually quit..then ive liked just stopped caring about my paperwork and im not doing it ..and im bordering very close to being like very disappointed in what i am doing..i know that i am screwing things up for myself and i feel completely powerless to stop it...once its in my head then its like im forced to just see how it is going to play out...three times this week i have been in the office with the intent to do paperwork and get it turned in..one day i didnt work at all in hopes of getting paperwork done..and nothing ..i get started and then stop..my attention is all over the place..my focus my motivation..my everything is gone right now...other things are on my mind and it is becoming overwhelming and i cant seperate out what is now and what is future and what i need to do..im having trouble staying present..maybe that is it...i cant keep myself here because im just worrying and thinking and planning...i want something to change but i dont know what it is...i want to run...i want to start over..i want a break..i want things to be different in some way and i dont know how to get it and keep what i have..i dont know how to balance things out...i cant have everything..but i want everything..and i want nothing..and my supervisor not being in the office anymore is really bothering me a lot more than i care to admit...i want her here..i want to know that she is here..and that i can just talk to her..or something..and im in the office right now and have yet to go anywhere near her office because im afraid she will be mad at me..and that she will not want me around cas im sucking at my job..im afraid that she wont like me anymore and i want her to like me..i want her to care for me..i want her to hug me and love me (non sexual) ..i want comfort again ..and im afraid to get it from her..and now im avoiding her..and im fighting myself about it big time because i know i want her..i want to see her..i want to be near her..but the fear is winning today...and if i leave the office without seeing her or saying hi then im afraid of how down and out i will feel..i know im not supposed to base my self worth or any of that on other people..but i do..and its so easy for me to get caught up in it all an think im horrible and dont deserve to live because one person doesnt have time for me...i want all of her time..i want all of her attention..i just want someones attention..i think the medicine is covering up how depressed i really am right now...i do fall apart around the holidays and this year is no different..something is wrong and i just dont know how to put it into words..or get out what i am feeling..ive spent so much time lately juts giving and giving and being avaliable to everyone else..that the need to run and hide and disappear is all i want to think about..after well thinking about sleep of course..and well there is always the option that i am using sleep as my escape..sleep is my way to not deal with anything...if im sleep then time keeps going..the world goes on ..and i dont have to deal with it anymore..just for a little while.. i am sad..i am a lot of things and i just dont know how to connect with any of it right now...
my mind is being taken over by thoughts and wants that i am uncomfortable with..i want to visit a friend that could possibly be more than a friend..i want things that i have never wanted before and it is scary and confusing...i cant get past the damage to my body..the scars..i was looking at my arms in the mirror this morning and realized that i wanted more..i realized i wanted them to go away..i cant see the pain in them, i cant see the hurt or the fear or the unspoken words...i just want more..i want to hurt..i want to feel..i want to forget..linda told me to get rid of the knife i have..and to my credit i dont know where it is currently..but i have it somewhere...im dreaming about razors..i cant figure out if my dreams are reality..did i have a razor? or did i just think i had one? did i use it? no..i am picking a lot but not cutting..i want to cut..i want to burn..i want to do all of it..and i try to hide from the thoughts..and the wanting..the need..i try to remember that it doesnt have to go back to the way it was..but i am afraid..im afraid that i wont be able to convince myself..that i wont be able to deal with it..and will give in...how can i stay strong when the desire to keep safe is such a flightly thing..i want to be safe..i do..but i want the thoughts to go away..i want the thoughts to just stop...
my head is a jumbled mess right now...i cant figure things out..i cant make choices..i cant deal with anything..and somehow i just get through the day so that i can do the same thing all over again tomorrow...i juts need to get through next week and my hours will go down cas school will be out..and i wont have to see my 4yr olds ....and then ill be able to move my hours up and not be out so late at night..maybe that will help..one of the consequences of not turning in my paperwork is that my job will reduce my hours until i catchc up...and maybe that is what i need to happen..job wise maybe it is...money wise im screaming and crying that that is the biggest mistake ever..and i know it is..but ive just messed up to the point that this is my option..reduce my hours until i can catch back up and go from there.. i dont know what is going to happen...well i know what is going to happen but i dont know when it is going to happen..but it will be soon...and im just trying to deal with things as they come..but its a constant battle not to jump ahead and skip the now and move on to something better...i want to pick up and run away from all the issues that i have here in va and juts start over again somewhere else ..
im not eating right..which isnt really a bad thing..but its not the best thing either..
i wish i could take a nap right now..had is on overload and i just want to sleep for a few minutes..and regroup and then go on with my day...
i suck..pretty much
No comments:
Post a Comment