living..loving..moving past the pain

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. ~ Romana L. Anderson

I wonder lately who i am and what has happened to me.. i wonder how i have gotten to this place...to this exact place where i am willing to allow another person to love me..where i have people who care for me..who want me around..i wonder how i am able to think and plan and really want to do more...when did i start living for me? what has changed that i actually want to live for me ? to do what i want to do regardless of anyone else? when did things change? and what made them change?

i dont know..and things feel different..things feel different..safer..calmer..stressful..worrisome..all of it and none of it..it does scare me..but i think i like the changes..i think im ready for the changes..im ready to get through the past stuff and move on..i want to move on.i want to grow up..and live my life completely..i do..and i know that it will involve a lot of work in therapy...a lot of talking ..and reaching out and support..i have to learn to accept comfort and stand up for myself..and say no and mean it..i have to accept the consequences of all of my actions..and let things go..i have to not ddwell on the little things..the past mistakes..the past pain..i cant carry it all around..it is a part of me..but i dont have to let it consume me either...

i will be okay..i will...

there are a lot of things that are changing..there are a lot of things that i suddenly want and i cant seem to settle for anything less...i want to move on..explore..have adventures...i want to be happy..i want to be positive..i want to be able to love myself and someone else..and to give and get in equal portions..and not give everything to one person and have nothing left for myself..
maybe that is what i ahve been trying to figure out lately..with all the supervisor stuff..and refusal to go home..and all of that that is going on lately..i actually learned the lesson that i some how needed to learn..and that i do need all of my supervisors right now..the ones who believe in me..and who talk to me..and offer me comfort in ways that i have never had it before..maybe its that my therapist is trying so hard to get me to live in the present and accept it for what it is...maybe i needed to have someone give me boundaries..very firm boundaries and i needed to know that i can respect them..and live with them..i will not fall apart when i am told that i cant have something..and yes i understand why she needed to put the boundaries in place..i really do..maybe more so now than i did last week when i struggled so much..i needed to be told over and over that i can be comforted and that it does not just have to be with hugs..and i have had a lot of people telling me lately..that this is progress..that this is growth..that i am accepting and acknowledging things in a way now that i have never done in the past..

it is odd that it is taken me this long..years and years of pain, and hurt and loneliness have gotten me here..living with friends..being able to talk to people who care...willing to have a relationship with someone that i do love and be able to get past the fear..maybe the whole huge thing is that im willing to take chances now..or that im willing to take one  chance and that will be a huge step in freeing myself from all of the past stuff...yes im still super afraid of a lot of things..and im super worried about a lot of things..but it is all manageable..it is all things that i can work on and deal with..even when it feels like i cant..i deal with it..and keep dealing with it..even through all the days that i wanted to truly give up and all the days i went and looked at pills in hopes of ending it all..or contemplated the benefits of suicide..and thinking that i just couldnt do it anymore..i never gave up..and i listened to my friend that i live with now..tell me over and over that i couldnt give up..that things will get better..i had my therapist telling me that i just need to keep holding on to hope and that it will get better..even if i didnt believe them..i heard them..i really truly heard them...goodness i still have a lot of work to do..a lot of things to get out and talk about and acknowledge...but im not the scared little girl i was even two years ago..im still scared of stuff..and have loads of trouble talking ..but i realized this week..that im not the same person i was when i left home and went to college at 17..im really truly not...what has happened to that girl ? where has she gone? 

i never thought i would be in this place...i really didnt..i was positive that i would have died long before i got to this point..before i accept a therapist who is willing to help me, or that i would be seeing a psychiatrist and taking medicine..that i would be counseling other people and families and doing okay at it ( ok i really cant say that im doing good at it cas that makes me uncomfortable!) i am asking for help..im starting to live..maybe thats the whole thing..im starting to live..and it may have taken me my entire life to realize that it is possible to move on..to grow up..to accept where i am at and live with it..but it is happening..it is..


i am not my past..and i dont know my future..all that leaves me with is the present..and i can either take it or leave it..but the choice is mine to make


-me