everyone run for cover..i think the world may end..im more postive than ive been in forever
the past few weeks have been really hard yea..im not going to go and complain about it all again now ..been there..done that..but yea it was hard ..and then the other night i was thinking about something that i cant seem to remember now but it was along the lines of being ok with myself..and then it went away again..and then today i was just randomly reading a fitness magazine..cas i do every so often just for the heck of it..and i started thinking again about how i should want to do stuff for me not for anyone else yes scary i know lol..i heard the quote umm "be the change you want to see in the world" a million times doing my last couple college years..i think it was the motto for the social work dept..but i heard it a lot and never really took it to heart or anything it had turned into something to say..but then i left and havent tthought about it in forever?! and then today all of a sudden its in my head again..and its like holy cow where did that come from..sometimes i think its more tiring being so sad all the time..and im sad most of the time about a million different things..shoot sometimes im just sad and i have no idea why...maybe it is time to start working harder and getting things done..maybe i should put more effort into making time to do stuff i like whatever that may be and i mean big stuff not the little stuff either..haha i should write a self help book
its funny in a way cas i guess its just so very easy to get caught up in everything i dont have or cant do or dont want to do..but i think im ready to be heard you know..which means ill have to give up some control and im not sure im rady for that..what would happen if i really truly talked? would the world really end? would i go to hell? would i drop dead on the spot for talking about something that happened years ago? how come the fear doesnt go away...some how it has been worked out inside and its like all the hard stuff is just surrounded by fear..that if i say anything then something really bad would happen..what i dont know..i dont think anyone really knows..but just that it would be bad and should be avoided at all costs..so everything stays inside..and just builds and builds..and things get hard at home and i fall apart just to be put quickly back together again so no one will know..i feel stupid saying i dont know how to talk but i dont..i can put words into a sentence..i can talkabout all the little stuff..but ask about the scars on my arm and i forget how to utter every single word i know..thoughts still run through my head but nothing is coming out..ask me about being a kid and i cant come up with anything..it doesnt make sense..what do i have to do ?!? sit at the wall that blocks everything out and start picking at it until i get something? anything to come back? i say i want to know but do i really? but if i dont start somewhere will i always be so up and down ? so unsettled in everything? afraid of everything? and whats to say i wont change my mind tomorrow and not want to know anything anymore? what if im ok being sad and upset and not knowing why..but on some level i know thats not true either..i hate not knowing the why behind stuff..i hate not being able to remember..but im just afraid to know the truth
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