another day

im not sad..but im not happy either..reallyy tired though..funny how i get 4 hours of sleep monday night and im up all day and barely feel tired but last night i got 7 or so hours and i feel like im going to fall asleep at any minute.. tomorrow im working much later and i dont have to go in friday evening..so i am excited about that..im done with work on friday at 3 and that doeesnt happen to often at all! but that also menats im working until 8:30 tomorrow night which i dont mind at all..ill just have to keep myself busy though lol...and tonight im not working either becuase i have pri training to do..not looking forward to it at all..i hate doing the restraints..but i have to have the training ..blah..so im just hoping it really doesnt go all the way to 9!but otherwise ..things in the world of work are alright..sometimes stressful..most of the time a lot of fun though..i mean really thinking about my job is like getting to play for 6hours .. who else can have a job description that says they are getting paid to color or watch movies, or go to the library and the park?! i mean im not complaining i do like my job ..its just that i realized the other day that i like my job because its easy..its not challenging in the slightest..i know my job..i can do my job and im ok with that for now..but it just feels like anyone could do this you know..given im also working with the babies and i do need my degree for that but the other ones its like i dont know..but for my schedule i do like the hours and that i have the freedom to change them around..i can handle not having benefits..just gotta stop getting sick..towards the end of this month i should be figuring out what my actually steady paycheck will be and that will help with bills and getting things paid you know..managing a bit with therapy and setting aside money for that..once i know what my paychecks will be i guess ill have to put some real effort into making and sticking to a budget! gotta chill on the impluse buys lol..rats for really wanting a new movie or cd or something..so lots of different stuff to work on ..really want to start saving but gas is killing me and for now im still stuck borrowing from mommy to keep gas in my tank..seriously its like 80 bucks a week in gas..totals to over 300 a month for gas and its a pain in the butt! and there are other things i want to do too..like i figured out i have to celebrate yvonnes birthday with her before her actually birthday cas she isnt going to be here this summer..and i want to find her something good for her birthday and figure out what her schedule is like around the first of may..and im still waiting on the final word of if im going to disneyworld or not..and a bit worried cas coming back from cali seriously killed my mood..dont really know why..i just had a really hard time adjusting back..and it really sucked..this trip wouldnt be that long but still ..a bit worried..

i find it funny that i need outside regulators to stabilize my mood..i cant do it by myself..i feel like a failure because i cant do it by myself..yet i cant say therapy doesnt help at least a little..heck im sure if i went and just stared at the floor for an hour i would swear i felt better..but then i hate talking so i find staring at the floor to be very helpful lol..doesnt take much to please me..went yesterday and am thinking about a lot of stuff from that..but still processing all of that i think...got the suggestion to write down you know what it is i think about myself..kidna what i hear in my head and do a negative and positive list..and just cas im curious i do actually plan on doing that..dont know yet if im going to show it to the doc or not but ill do it..cas now i want to know..i thought about it a little yesterday and had like a bunch of things on the bad side and like 2 on the good side..not really balanced there you know..so going to give it a bit of thought but it still is really hard figuring out the good stuff through all the not so good stuff..and bad stuff wins out every single time...

hmmm went out to dinner last night with mommy and nia and montrell and actually ordered something new..had a veggie burger with pineapple slices and teriyaki sauce.. was pretty good ..not something i would usually order but decided i was a bit sick of the reg veggie burgers..it was killer messy though lol ..still having ttrouble deciding if im going to stick with being vegetarian or not..i keep saying yes..then changing it and saying no..or trying to make it easier for someone else and just going along with what ever is being offered at the moment..cas thats just how i am i suppose..but i really do need to make up my mind..makes no sense to keep going back and forth..trying to chill out on the fast food and eat more fruits but as usual after a couple days i just kinda stop caring and forget what i said i was going to do..same old same old...

just the usual stuff going around my head..