i wake up and wonder why it is im not dead yet still..wonder why it is i still am thinking and dreaming and worrying..why cant i succeed at just one thing..but why must i want to be good at dying? what sense does that make at all?? oh i dont know..my head has been confusing lately..i dont know what i want anymore but then i do know what i want but i dont know how to get it..i hate everything right now..i dont want to really do anything at all..still a struggle to get by..i dont want to be around mommy but i have to.i dont want to be around anyone really..serious touch issues right now..feel so unheard..but how can i be heard if i dont speak? who listens to me? no one? anyone? no..no one listens to me..why should i speak..i have nothing to say..ill never have anything to say..

during the play therapy thing the other night the lady talked about how one of the her cls told her once that his anger went all the way up to god..seriously that is a lot of anger but i wonder then..how big is my anger and what do i do with it? it seems silly to even have to ask how big my anger is because i want to say i dont get mad..but i do get mad and then i push it all away until im not mad anymore..or i just get so mad i cant sit still or do anything and i have to cut to make it go away or purge to make it go away..but it never really goes anywhere does it? how do you let out anger and know its gone for good? ? my anger just grows..forever and ever it will just grow..until it runs out of space i suppose..