im such a spazz

major alone feeling today..and as i wrote that i realized i could have worded it so much better..but basically just felt really alone today..not lonely either..but completely and utterly alone with everything..and its not a good feeling at all

but as i was writing an email a min ago..i realized something has been worrying me..and a lot of it has to do with trust..but i dont know how to really approach the topic either..i dont trust quickly at all.. i mean it takes me forever and ever to learn to trust someone..and its really hard..but with the new doc its like i keep going back and forth..im not sure yet how much i trust her..i want to i really do but something is really stopping me..i do try to talk and have brought up cutting..but then i zone out a lot when she is talking and its hard to focus on what im being told..but i go darn it..and that should be enough but its not...and it makes me feel stupid and really really childish to want to figure out what makes the doc tick...maybe im just looking to be flat out told to stop or that enough..-ok i really am a spazz- i need her to tell me what my boundaries are with her..without me having to ask..and if im being a pain in the butt..well as much of a pain as i can get away with then she would have to let me know when ive gone to far..she would have to tell me to stop and then explain it all to me..and i wont have to ask..does that seem stupid? i cant come right out and ask..i cant really let her know completely that i dont know anything when it comes to boundaries..but i want them..i need to have someone else put them in place though..and i think thats part of why i was so upset about having to cancel and then reschedule my appt..all ive been thinking about is talking to her and talking about cutting because i want to for some reason..but im not sure how far i can go with it and so im not sure whats ok and whats not to tell her...hmmm i dont know