i really need to calm down..but i cant..i feel to scattered to really do anything or be any good to anyone..i guess ill be ok tomorrow..more like i hope ill be ok but the way my head is right now im really not holding my breathe any..it feels like ive just broken into a million little pieces and im waiting for someone to glue me back together because i cant seem to do it..

cutting didnt really help this time..but i was in a rush when i did it..all im thinking about is cutting and eating and then not eating but still cutting and none of it freakin helps..i dont know what i want to do at all but it doesnt involve going home..but i can only brag my feet for so long over here..ill have to go home eventually and tomorrow it will all start over again..

why dont i just make it easier and keep of list of whts wrong with me so that no one will have to keep telling me..yes i know im stupid and mean ive been told that a million times..it makes no difference really what i think anyway..

how is it possible for me to offer my help and do everything im asked and still its just not enough..i dont know why i bothered getting a job anyway..it doesnt matter at all because it just cuts into the time i have to devote to everyone else..ohw stupid of me to go and try to work and keep my own bills paid and then offer to help with other stuff..how stupid of me to not put family first..because that is what is expected of me..that is what im told..how could i not devote my time to doing things for my brothers and sisters instead of getting to work on time or anything else? im sorry i dont do enough ok. im sorry i even bothered to think i was doing enough. im just sorry for being here