at least i got out of bed

my head is quieter today..but still all over the place..i still have a headache..still feel id ont know really dejected about everything and nothing..all the self critiscm just refuses to stop right now and gee i have a lot..hmm maybe it would be better to say im not really feeling anything at all..im doing enough to go to work and do my job but even then i can zone out just a bit there too...i have some class thing i have to take and i hope i make it to it..all ireally want to do right now is go back to bed and forget im still breathing..wondering when mommy is going to call to tell me what extra stuff to do today..and i have to keep reminding myself not to argue about it cas i always lose anyway..already thinking of what i can move around to give more time to her..all i do is plan and replan in my head lately..running commentary of everything i need to do, have to do, want to do, and even dont want to do..constantly changing and moving things to make time for someone else..my arm doesnt hurt anymore either..i want to cut..wanted to cut last night again but i didnt..cleaned instead..want to cut today and i probably will at some point..just to make things stop for a bit so i can focus enough to get ready to go to work..because already im gonna be late if i dont leave in like 20 mins..and i wont be ready in 20 min so its just another thing to had to my list of failures..you know it is suddenly so much easier to see every measly thing ive failed out when i have someone pointing them out to me so i know what to look for again..it was stupid of me to think things would be ok at home..really was..