oh yeah

topic of the day...resistance and priorities..i knew i was forgetting to do something lol

so i was advised to think on why i resist good stuff so much *insert rolled eyes here please* because i really just want to tell her that she hasnt even begun to touch on my real resistance..geez im not trying to brag but good grief if i had to be good at something then resistance it is .. i find it funny really because most ppl have no real idea in the first place..and the few who do stop questioning after a while i suppose..i find it comforting to know on some levels that there is no one really who can hold out against all of it..i don't expect anyone to hold out through all of it..maybe thats it..if i don't expect it then i cant be disappointed when they leave or give up ... heck i resist myself to a point! but anyway..why resist the good stuff..well the most basic and straightforward answer would be because i know i dont deserve it..because i haven't earned the right to be told im good at anything or told anything good about myself..why when im told every other day that i suck and im not good enough..who should i believe..mommy or everyone else?? because im so used to being told whats wrong with me that i cant trust that someone else is telling me the truth..like what have i done to earn anyones love or good comments?? why would anyone waste there time and energy on making me feel better about something? so yea i resist because i dont want to be lied too..i dont want to be laughed at..yes i would rather be told i suck than im nice or good or something..hmm guess thats depressing in a way..

now for priorities..for the life of me i cant figure mine out..i mean what am i doing with my life..all i do is work work work..when i can .. i do collages..or read or update my journal..or color..or something small that i can do and not be interrupted with..and thats mostly done at night when im by myself ..but besides all that what am i doing ..what do i want out of life im guessing..or even jut want do i want out of myself here..right now?? do i even have goals anymore ?? do i have anything to work towards at all ? still need to think about this one