hmm

well incase i havent said it in a while..therapy is a pain in the butt

hmm other than that things are i dont know..could be better could be worse...i move my arm and the pain reminds me of what i did..i dont know really if im disappointed in myself or not you know..its just i freaked out big time monday night..and having to drive home in a hail storm did not make me feel the slightest bit better..and then i get home and need to concentrate on work stuff and just realize that my journal is missing..the newest one that i had been writing in..and with me and my memory issues i freaked out and looked everywhere i could think of and couldnt find it..freaked even more trying to remember what i had written about...cas mommy has read my journals before and i got in a lot of trouble and i stopped writing for the longest time...and i just kept thinking i would be dead if she read it..but im still worried ..i must have left it downstairs for a few days and didnt even realize it..didnt realize it was gone..and i had to calm down..cut my arm a lot..havent done the upper part of my arm in forever and it was like saying hi to an old friend..ok really bad way to describe that but thats really kinda like it was...i have really missed doing my arm..and to make it worse im now paranoid that mommy will find out..and pull up my sleeve and ill just be in even more trouble ..

but i talked about it some in therapy without of course mentioning i had done it the night before..and im a little shocked that i said it was worth it.. that i would take the hour of calmness that cutting brings..that it was worth it to cut so i could have that calmness..its like i staked my claim on being crazy on tuesday..thinking about it now i wonder why i didnt lie..or come up with something else..darn me for actually trying to talk and understand and be heard..funny i dont often consider lying when it comes to therapy and what not..i may not answer stuff but i rarely out right lie about stuff..takes more energy and time and dedication to not talk in the first place..but oh well..im sure ill have too figure it out at some point..

but on to other stuff...work is work..some days stressful..some days a lot of fun..im for sure going to disney world and have my own room in the resort! that rocks :) :) and im so excited about that..given im sure ill see more of riley and harris but ill still have my own room! and that rocks! and i get to ride on there private plane which rocks too...weather has been sucky..and guess thats about all