ugh

so interesting things from yesterday...i met some new people at talys cookout...actually went to a cook out and had a veggie burger!!! talk about surprised..tiffany is vegtarian too and so she had veggie burgers and i ate one of hers and a potato and had some really good rum punch..ok way to much rum punch but it was still relly good..and then we had cake and that was a surprise for maritza and they proceeded to get icing all over each other so i hid in the house lol..i didnt bring extra clothes and i had no need to have chocolate icing all over my shirt..but it was fun..watched tv..had shots of various things..called yvonne for a reason im not exactly sure of but called her anyway..guarded the ice like my life depended on it..and so it truned into running joke of the night...but i wanted ice and sharing it wasnt the highest on my list of things to do at the time so the ice was mine..taly almost made me go home because i was half asleep and completely drunk and she thought i was going to pass out and considering iwas taking like a while to focus on anything going home could have been an option b ut i didnt want to go home and so i drunk enough water to clear my head and get me walking in a half straight line and went downtown anyway...so i was at the club and the guys paid for everyone to get in..group rate kinda thing since it was so many of us at the time...but i ended up sitting on the stage almost the whole time i was there..walking wasnt high on the list of things to do either..danced some, enjoyed my seat because i could watch everything going on around me..kept trying to fall asleep..but once we were out i didnt drink anymore..hmm ended up getting burned by someone smoking, forgot who i gave my id too, went to the boys bathroom because the line for the girls was just way to long and i really had to go and laura came with me and held the door..boys bathroom is just as gross as the girls bathroom but anyway..yea weird cas guys came in anyway..so completely lost track of time after that and it turned 2 really fast...ended up at ihop at 3 in the morning..and ended up completely hitting one of the guys in the car with us..it was an accident but he was getting out of the back and either he hit my hand or i hit him but either way he ended up like falling out the car and going down the mini hill..he was fine and that little thing will be added to the things ive done drunk stories...and now im tired and didnt sleep enough to do anything..but it was fun..and of course dusti picks today to wake me up to be petted..should prolly go eat something though.

-

now im sleepy...wasnt when i thought up the bright idea to write just for the purposes of making myself sleepy..surfing the net can be a bit boring at times...so i did end up going out tonight..almost got to the point of saying i didnt want to go and that would have made me mad because i had been looking forward to it all night...so taly and jeff were late but they got here and we went downtown in the rain..thankfully it wasnt thundering anymore or i really would have got around to changing my mind..but we went to a bar i had never been too..it was the over 21 place..jeff paid for me to get..jeff and tiffany and another guy in the group bought me drinks..i managed a small half sleepy buzz for a little while..the club was boring at first but it was fun watching the dancers..the over 21 club can get some weird older people in there..i think one guy was like 50 or something..but anyway..had shots and drinks and i was a little annoyed i ddint end up drunk but thats ok..tiffany and taly asked me to dance with them on the platform thingy that wasnt a real stage but it was kinda to the side in front of the dj booth..and i wasnt going to but i was bored so i went and ended up dancing with some girl for a couple hours..kinda glad no guy asked me to dance..wasnt really in a guy touching mood .. but everyone was having fun and i was in my own little world wondering if it was possible to get sober through sweating..it was so hot in the club good grief..but i noticed taly and tiffany and another girl yelling at some guys and i had no idea what was going on..but they yelled back and forth and i had to grab taly before it turned into a full out fight..the bouncers came over and talked to all of them and i found out that one of the guys had grabbed taly and she hit him and his friends got into it and then the girls with us who saw it got in it and since i was behind them i was still a little unsure about what happened but nervous all the same..all of a sudden there was like this wall of guys between us and everyone else..the bouncer said we would have to leave and this woould have been the first time ive been kicked out of a bar..and i didnt have anything to do with it but i wouldnt have stayed anyway..and the guy said taly and everyone with her would have to go..eventually it got worked out enough for everyone to stay because it was close to 2 in the morning anyway and the club was closing..but then jeff came and talys brother and angie and everyone is trying to figure out whats going on...jeff and talys brother had to be stopped from fighting..more than once..but still for the rest of the night we were like surrounded by guys and i know it was done to stop anything else from happening but still weird because it was making me feel incredibly trapped...and we kinda got seperated while everyone was trying to find who they came with..cops are all over the place downtown when clubs let out..still im glad it turned out ok but still not glad taly was grabbed by some guy..but then glad again that she stood up for herself and had jeff and her brother and her friends to back her up too..hmm other news..saw the tallest guy i have in a while..he made me feel so short and im not short by any means but i kept staring at him..talked to him once because i was taller than him for a little while while i was on the platform thing..took a bunch of pictures...ended up smelling like smoke and that was the grossest part of the night..met some new people i didnt know and saw old people i havent seen in a while...came home and drunk a bunch of water and ate rice krispy treats until i was almost sure i was going to be sick..and now im writing and thinking random stuff..listeninng to music and the rain outside.wondering who is going to love dusti when i leave for the summer..im the only one who understands her..my armband glows in the dark i think..im sleepy though and im rambling and i dont want to sleep

nothing thrilling

finally managed to get my hair in order...and since i used some of yvonnes shampoo i have a candy head..but it smells good so it works out..i made myself eat more than once today after yvonne got on me yesterday about making sure i ate bread and stuff...so i ate today anyway..havent really been drinking much though..feeling sick anyway and i dont want to take anything because i already know ill be in my own little world later and even i read the med bottles and know you arent supposed to take them and drink anywhere in the same time frame..so ill suffer for a couple days and take something umm monday..anyway..working hard to get out of my bad mood for now..and i realized that i really do have some depressing music..but anyway..i like it and completely sad music or not it still makes me feel better...i even did all my laundry this morning and i can stop worrying about it eating dusti or something in my closet..for a couple days i worried i would lose her in my closet i had so many clothes thrown in there..but all gone now and its kinda nice starting over..i also realized im a dork about a lot of stuff..ummm llosing track of what i was thinking about..all day ive been reminding myself of things not to do..like dont go home with anyone i dont know, dont come home druck and decide to call mommy...that being the most important because ive already swore up and down to mommy that i dont drink.. its really stupid thinking about it now because i am over 21 and everything and i didnt even start drinking until i was 20ish...all the same im so making up for lost time or something...but it will be fun tonight..sometimes i do miss hanging out with everyone..im sure i wont be thinking that tomorrow but thats ok too..so fun times and ill be responsible when i remember too and i will o keep myself out of trouble and all that good stuff

dont know

i keep thinking im waiting for something..i just dont know what it is..just a really bad feeling about whatever it turns out to be...but no real idea about what in the world it could be...suddenly realized when i woke up this morning that i havent cut..i think i just forgot about it long enough for it to go away or something..but anyway i was right about my grades..3 a's and 2 b's and so it means i made the deans list and ive known for sure since yesterday but i didnt call mommy..i dont want to call her because i dont want to ha ve to feel any worse for my grades than i already do..not that they are really bad or anything but if i hadnt kept putting stuff off i could have ended up with all a's or something..weird to think i cant be happy about anything if i know mommy is just going to yell at me about it..but since i already know she will be mad i went and told a couple other ppl who i knew would be happy for me just because half a second of feeling just a little bit proud is really better than a week of being sad over it..but it doesnt stay so i dont know why i do it anyway..ugh online stuff is starting to annoy me..well one thing thats been going on lately in on of the groups i happen to be in..last time i checked they didnt count as suicide watch and they arent supposed to be..no reason at all for the same person to keep coming back and threatening suicide and demanding to be talked too..but when someone else comes and blames the group in general for someone else trying suicide doesnt seem fair at all..bad thing being its happened before in a smaller group but it was more ed related and someone came and yelled at us in a way and for that one i did feel more responsible over because we werent exactly trying to stop anyone from doing anything..but we werent making it ok either..but still that one wasnt good either and it bothered me alot..but this time it just gets on my nerves..and maybe i should be sad that the guy is in the hospital..also i should prolly keep into acct that this is just the internet and some thing may not be completely true..but also dont think someone would play with suicide that much..could be wrong but still the whole thing just really makes me mad..and that annoys me more since i work hard at not getting mad..did i really actually just consider the importance of taking responsibilty for your own actions and wrote it somewhere else? i think the world might be coming to an end or something..all the same that is what it comes down too..i cant put off anything i do on someone else..i cant ignore it either because all of it might count as impluse stuff but i dont happen to do most of it on impluse..i think it out enough to know i want to do it and how and all that weird stuff i do..i dont think i try to put it off on other people more than i juts ignore that i do it...thats prolly been in my head since the other day..i didnt realize that when yvonne got goggles it would make things a little clearer and so now she has seen my legs and she asked me about it and i didnt tell her how any of it happened..but now i dont know..it makes me nervous but i dont know if it will come up again..and what ive done to my legs cant really be explained away without a really really really good lie..and sometimes lying is so not my strong point...all the same it makes me nervous and i wonder not that she will ask but what she will think without asking...given i would lie if she did but i dont knkow if she would belive me..more often than not i just end up hating what ive done..hate but not stop..so i deal with it i guess or half deal with it...or ignore it until it stops hurting..none of it makes sense anymore..all of a sudden it got to the point of being a pain always hiding..the scars on my chest being the stupidest place ive ever cut..wonder how much i would change if i couold change any of it..last night before i went to sleep i was thinking again about what i would want people to think of me when i died..and i rethought about the want vs shoulds thing..but even that only makes half sense if i dont know what i want...cant find the balance between them if i only know half of it..but the shoulds are easier to think up because its more about what i think someone else wants me to do..i have to come up with wants and i dont know those..just confuses me because i dont know why i cant come up with anything that i want...thet same way it bothers me a little bit that i know it will take me a really long time to manage to get pass all of the bad stuff that automatically comes up..when i think that i get to come up with what i want people to say i dont think of good things first..even if i dont really want it...i have to completely get though all of them before i can start to get around to half good stuff...not sure ill even make it to completely good stuff..im still stuck in you suck thoughts and that can take forever to get around...

one day she will put two and two together and i dont know what ill do

ssdd

its gonna rain again sometime soon, its just got really dark in a short amount of time and it can rain all it wants but i really really hope it doesnt start thundering...or lightening or anything that makes noise more or less..but rain or not ill have to brave the weather and go to the pool when ever yvonne gets here...ive been trying to call mommy and she hasnt picked up the phone and i really dont like not knowing what is happening because just my luck ill end up being promised to go to ohio and everyone will just forget to mention it to me until its to late to even try to get out of it..but oh well for that one and ill just have to wait until i hear anything...its incredibly nerve wrecking waiting for grades even if i happen to know what they are going to be already..i think im expecting them to change or something..but the more i check and they arent up the more i worry for no reason..or i could just be delusional from not eating today..prolly not since i know that why im feeling sick and i have every intention of getting of and finding something to eat very soon..but im tired right now so i keep putting it off...got an email from taly this morning that pretty much told me i was still going to her graduation party stuff this weekend..i had planned on going and then i changed my mind but i guess i kinda knew she wouldnt let me miss it if i was going to be in town..and since im going to be in town ill be partying this weekend..two days with her and noe with kenny maybe..since i have no money things are a bit not much fun but ill get her a gift next semester or something..i think shes going to be staying in greenville but i dont know..and i know going out with them in an invitation to drink and i was perfectly ok with that until my convo today...i really wouldnt consider drinking to be a problem but i do let it go to the extreme before backing off a bit..more often than not taly says stop and i stop...no idea what makes me listen to her though..same way yvonne says dont play with the candles and i dont do it..i had almost forgotten about the last time i ended up drunk with yvonne in town..i got home before her and so somehow it got around to that i had been drinking and she wanted to know how much and at the time i really dont think i gave her an answer..all the same she made me drink water and eat bread and told me not to play with the candles and i was just demanding in a way..im pretty sure sprinkles dont go on toast and bubbles wont magically find there way into water..so yea weird night..all time stupidest thing ive done while drunk is forgetting my name..second stupidest would be letting some guy i didnt know kiss me..yea it was gross but still..being drunk can be a lot of fun but since i dont exactly know what it takes to get me drunk and because im obviously not big on internal control here i might let it get far more out of hand than it needs to be..i think im careful not counting willingly getting in a car when i know the person driving is drunk as heck...but i still end up doing the same thing..and one of these days i will catch on to the fact that not doing something often doesnt cancel out that you do it..i use that logic for a couple things and the outcome is still the same..either way i guess its not good...hmmm lots to think about and ill so think about it more indepth after this weekend..or else when im hungover enough to have nothing else to think about..but all the same ill stick to the usual rules that come with drinking and going out...most important being not going home with anyone i dont know..so busy times this weekend...but i guess i should consider that when i told yvonne what was planned for this weekend she asked if she needed to stay in town because otherwise she would worry..what exactly do people think ill end up doing? ok playing with the candles are a big neon sign nono..but when i thought it up i really wanted to do it..other big thing not to do is call home..which comes to mind everytime im drunk enough not to care..that that just wouldnt be good..ok drinking rant over

ive been thinking about my new homework assignment and i will a lot for the next couple days..and i know i dont like it but ill do it anyway because it got my attention..eventually i thought up the brillant idea to just not tell anyone if i die and that doesnt make sense but just not let it be found out that ive died or something..but then it would be just my luck that someone would look for me..i dont know what i would do if i knew i was going to die vs like it being accidential or something..id rather have an accidental death though..because otherwise it would be on purpose and id rather not think about that..and gotta go so ill finsih later

depressing

ive been trying to think of something to say but i havent been able to come up with anything..finished my exams and it was ok, i think i did ok on it..right now grade wise i know i have 3 a's and im expecting my last two grades to be b's ..if they are i make the deans list again..surprisingly that doesnt make me happy at all..could be because im ready to cry and because i dont want to i just dull out everything until i manage to not feel any of it...cant say its working to well though..i havent decided if the next thing will be cutting or just going to sleep..i wont sleep though..just stay awake and look out the window or stare at the ceiling while i think up a million different things..mommy told me earlier today that granny is back in the hospital and having heart surgery today..that i was ok with i guess and i heard it and just kinda put it away to think about later on..tonight she asks if i will go to ohio to stay for a couple weeks because i have the free time..i wanted to say no and almost every thought in my head said say no..not that it mattered because i said i would go if i had too..everyone seems to forget that i dont have any money to do anything with much less get a plane ticket..i wanted to use dusti as an excuse to not go anywhere but i didnt..even thinking of not wanting to go makes me feel horrible..im supposed to want to go and help..after mommy asked i just kinda knew it had already been talked about..most likely she volunteered my time because it wouldnt be fair to ask me first i guess..its assumed and expected that i will say yes..i always say yes anyway..almost always i say yes..flat out told prof dunn no when she asked for a hug..but then i tell everyone no when they ask for a hug..staring at the screen doesnt do anything but make my eyes hurt...i forgot i cant go to bed until yvonne gets back because she left her keys and i dont like leaving the door unlocked if i can help it..i just want to hurt i keep thinking mommy is going to call and say granny died ..prolly a good idea to keep reminding myself that i cant cut my arms..maybe if i look at my arm long enough all the scars will go away and i can start over..if that really happened i wonder if i would go and keep cutting or stop..now wouldnt be the best time to test that theory...i keep thinking about what i want to do and all of those can be kinda painful if i thought about it long enough and everything i have on my list of things not to do i dont consider painful at all..last time i checked crying did not land anyone in the hospital..im not really sure what ive managed to do for the last 3 or so hours..losing interest in just about everything because i gave up playing sims to stare at my computer..i give up trying to sort out my head..and i wish it wasnt 10 and i wish i wasnt out of everything that makes me sleep

drowned rat

im beyond tired right now...i think my bones are tired and yelling at me to go to bed..but because i think im losing my eyesight the more i write ill have to make this quick...so i just got back from 4 hours in the pool...fun yes but 4 hours in the pool..that has to be the longest i ahve ever been in any pool for as long as i can remember..swam laps for a bit with yvonne, matt came and we half swam laps, i got out of the pool and went to the locker room for half a second and proceeded to run out because it was so cold in there...yvonne gets out and so i end up going back to the locker room and freezing my butt off for like five minutes until i lose feeling in everything..played volleyball, played keep away, ran into the pole numerous times..got pulled under water more than once by matt and yvonne playing keep away..heck pulled them under too..yvonne lost parts of her bathing suit at odd times and matt too, sometimes my fault sometimes not...ive been to the pool more in the last week than i have in a long time too..which yvonne pointed out tonight..but even if i am turning into a chlorine blob and i cant see or hear for the better part of the day im getting better..slowly and painstaking work but in the biggest pool ever on campus i can do a full lap without stopping now..better than when i started but not ten either..trying hard not to start yelling at myself...because i start off practicing fine and then i start getting tired and going shorter and shorter distances and it annoys me...i couldnt expect anyone who wasnt a trained swimmer to just randomly jump in the pool and do ten laps for the heck of it..if i didnt know i had to do a lifeguard test i wouldnt even care to practice at all..still small amount of hope in that maybe i am getting better and working my butt off now will pay off when im gone...still im not completely comfortable in the whole bathing suit deal..even if i do have a tshirt on over it..the shorts dont really count because you can still see my legs..but i guess the first step is actually getting in the pool...all the same im still doing it..well the more i think about it the more i want to just make myself believe i should be going more or getting better faster or something and it doesnt seem that fair..which makes me question if i have a problem with perfection? normally i would say no because my grades go up and down, i dont do anything on a normal basis and i lose interest in stuff really fast..but then i have the few things i didnt stop which have nothing to do with perfection...perfection isnt control i dont think..where did i get this i have to be the best thing from ? maybe its not perfection concerning other things..maybe its more of a perfection about things i do? or maybe ive just confused the heck out of myself without meaning too..maybe im a perfectionist in spurts or something..and maybe when i am i suddenly have ocd or something..yes i have rare moments when i do something and i dont want anyone to touch it or change it because it wont be the same and it drives me up the wall or i could just be being a complete spazz but i always associate perfection with eating and or not eating or just eating issues in general...and i so knew i was doing it again and stopping wasnt that important or i didnt realize it or something but i have managed to fall into well not eating and it was accidental this time...or it happened slow enough that i didnt pick up on it and since i havent purged it wasnt just glaring at me or anything..and i just kinda guessed purging wouldnt be a great idea with you know playing in the pool a heck of a lot..and well random nosebleeds i can once again do without..so purging is out and all that leaves in not eating

i spent the weekend by myself..really odd being able to get lost in my head..ok so not odd but an inconvience..felt alone more than anything and well i was but more than just a no one is around kind of alone..more like that in a crowded room and still managing to be alone kind of thing..like no one cares and i could have dropped dead on the spot and it wouldnt have mattered..it wouldnt have been noticed either. and because i had nothing else to do i let the thought stay in my head without trying to stop it..and when i did think of trying to make it go away the first thing i thought up was cutting and it would have worked but i didnt do it..for a while it was just a misplaced thought, like i really had to stop and think for it to be noticed..and then it moved and i really seriously thought about it and instead i made myself do something else, instant relief is suddenly taking the easy way out..and as much as i really like making myself suffer for no apparent reason i dont know where that one came from..i want instant relief its like a no fail way to lie to myself about everything going on in that moment and its ok until i realize what ive done..cant hide from reality all the time..lifetime should be banned when anything but ok..but i say im ok all the time so ill have to be more specific..so lifetime should be banned if im thinking of doing anything that would count as implusive even if its not really..the odds that i could end up watching a movie on child abuse is just way to high for comfort..hence i watched one yesterday that i really didnt need to see at all but the movie itsself was ok..reaction to the movie wasnt good..still want to cut and havent...told jenny that if she cut i would have to give her a piece of my mind..and thats a heck of a long way to go considering shes half way around the world..but still thoughts just kinda refuse to go away

losing track of what i was thinking so bed time

bored

classes are over and i could study for my last exam or correct my paper due tomorrow but i havent ..instead i watched tv and destroyed the kitchen in the name of creating something and it was good if not a huge mess..played and lost hours worth of sims time stupid game..my fault for not saving more often but now i have to do it all over again and that is nerve wrecking..so today i wake up and put off doing laundry again and instead i cleaned up downstairs and i have every intention of finishing my room and the bathroom once im done chatting and well writing..somehow ive managed to be incredibly sad but yesterday i didnt know where it was coming from and today im not really sure i care..still its worrying me that ill have to go home sooner than i planned since i dont have any money..and even me with my incredible 101 ways to waste money without doing anything logic just isnt working and even i cant make ten dollars last for 3 or so weeks..and even if not eating for 3 weeks does sound really appealing the more i think about it..i suck at fasting anyway..and as of right now im kinda trying not to die or anything..all the same if the option is going home to just not really eating for a while..ill take not eating...logic pretty much just idnt going to work with that one and im sure if i think about it long enough ill realize it wont work but i still have another week before i have to really decide anything..

im actually starting to look forward to camp..more so if mommy would juts leave me alone about how much i wont like it...i wont even know till i get there and then if i dont like i just wont like and ill know not to go work at a camp again but if i do like it good for me i guess...not really that big a deal and its not like im going to decide tomorrow that i dont want to go to camp anymore..id rather go..a full summer away from everything..could be more fun than im giving it credit for minus the no full time computer access...computer withdrawl times 50 will suck for a while but then ill get used to it like i do everything else..
and this is depressing...ill have to find something else to write about

sayings

If you can't read my silence, you're nothing. elizabeth i

I lack the assurance of youth. I question everything. elizabeth i

We dream on a budget here - finding neverland

Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner's manual your creator gave you and destroying your design. -Oprah

Every time you tell the truth, you free others to be truthful.-Oprah

Forgiveness is the ability to let go of the wish that you can change the past. -Oprah

disney stuff is great

yvonne got me a new game today..played it once and still lost..15 minutes into the game im completely bankrupt and still managing to get more debt..its the disney princess monopoly game..im horrible at monolopy so it seems..but anyway it was fun and since its monolopy junior the money doesnt count for as much as it could...but we played for like an hour and it was fun even if i lost by so much..took the better part of an hour to get out of debt and that was only after yvonne and i both rolled until i got the number i needed to get extra money..but it was a hang out with yvonne day and we went to the bank and to the grocery store and out to breakfast that passe for lunch, we went to the bookstore and toys r us and target and got caught in the rain and i walked over the railroad tracks twice in one day, i walked into a tree, got while chocolate m&ms from yvonne, came home and learned that you do not under any circumstances put dish detergent in the dishwasher..had to get the bubbles out somehow once we figured out that it was bad idea after i told her the dishwasher was exploding on the floor..and so she started it by throwing bubbles at me and i was only defending myself..so bubbles ended up all over everything..and i had soap in my hair and cold and wet is not as fun afterwards but throwing soap all over the kitchen was a lot of fun and it dissolved on its own so it worked out..i made pineapple cake because i just happened to want some..and were going to the pool tomorrow because i seriously lack in the whole swimming laps dept so ill have to work on that..ssooo its been a busy day..and it would have been a little better had i not been ready to cry in the grocery store...most of the time i can defend wha ti eat how ever little it may or may not be..but for some reason today i couldnt find anything i wanted at all..and it did worry me because i couldnt think of anything i liked and well duh i eat for the most part..and i knew ive needed to go to the store all week because our fridge is like empty..and still is for the most part...im almost back to where i was before and im pretty sure eating once a day isnt completely healthy..and we got on that i dont drink enough to save a starving person so i still spend a better part of my day thirsty as heck and not drinking anything..and i know i should i just dont get around to it...problem wwould be that i dont think i care..i keep thinking i should be more worried about a lot of things that i dont consider important..weird things like if i eat on a reg basis which is important but at the same time it doesnt matter that much..but its been a really really long day..and the weather is still gross..the thunder and stuff scared dusti out of the window last night and its raining again tonight..and i actually have to make an effort to not hang out in bed for the better part of two hours tomorrow..and try not to think about spending the better part of a month going to the pool so i can get better at swimming laps..

today

Today has been interesting…woke up in a rotten mood and spent most of the day worried out of my mind and staying busy enough to not do anything really stupid..guess it worked since I didn’t end up cutting…now im just awake and not really sleepy but im sure by the time im done writing ill remember that its past my bedtime…so since ill have the house to myself tomorrow I can get some cleaning done and figure out laundry and all that fun stuff…most likely ill just put it off again but im not at home and I can clean up as little or as much as I want to..and if I could actually remember that when it counts things wouldn’t feel so rushed for no reason..so anyway..still really worried about the whole teacher thing and I half talked about it with yvonne today when we went to dinner..she agrees that the teacher is just being mean for trying to change the grades around to get back at us in a way…the whole thing is really just irks my nerves..now I remember why I work incredibly hard at not getting mad..and it sucks because I don’t think I can really control it..i had to take something last night to make sure I went to sleep and even then I wasn’t really sleeping for a long time..note to self don’t take meds in the wrong amounts…woke up wrorrying, spent the day worrying and im still worried…I should be completely worried out and im not..not even close, ill worry until I see my grade and even then I don’t think it will be better…this particular teacher I just want to see fired, it would make my day to know she was fired because she isnt nice..well shes nice when she wants to be..not really fair for our class to just let her get another group of students to screw over for a semester…ugh ok umm so that issue is still I don’t know..i just known its not good right now…maybe ill go talk it over with my advisor sometime soon…so not really talkative this morning and actually slept for the most part until 9 because I kept waking up last night im not really sure when I went to bed..so played sims and tak for a while..played trivial pursuit with yvonne and listened to a cd..and she went to work and I hung out around the house until I had to get ready..we went to dinner and then we went to a musical theatre performance and it was really good..yvonne caved in and got me an autograph from one of the girls I like..but overall it was a really good performance and I realized how much I miss the whole watching preformances..not being on stage because that I didn’t like at all but watching I loved, listening to the music I really loved too..hence I listen to a lot of music..i spend most of my day listening to music and even if its depressing it makes me feel better or keeps me from getting any worse..another way to keep myself out of my head kinda…hmm something ive learned today or noticed at least because trying to explain it makes it seem like it doesn’t work…im an incredibly realistic and practical but I don’t know exactly how it works..i don’t think I can explain it either..maybe its just one of those things I know…like when yvonne says im the most controlled and put together person she knows and im with her almost everyday but someone else can tell me im guarded…but if I was asked to describe me all I can come up with is being quiet..ive heard patient, nice, kind, caring, honest, controlled, evil, mean, and some others im prolly forgetting…all from different people though..still really odd that people could swear ive never been stressed a day in my life and that’s people who haved lived with me..taly looks at me like im crazy when I say ive been busy or stressed or something..and given almost all of the time people see me I don’t let it be known if I am stressed or worried or mad or anything because there was no point in it…yvonne told me last week shes never heard me raise my voice at anyone, she also said shes never seen me angry don’t think ive asked her how she would describe me but maybe I will ..we talked about adoption today too..well transracial adoption because I talked about it in one of my classes and I don’t have a problem with it and neither does she…we have decided that im going to adopt with I want kids and shes gonna have kids..2.5 kids to be exact and then I get to be the aunt who gives them everything they want which still would be tons of fun for me…where will we be 10 years from now? What will we be doing..will we even still see each other..life would be just a bit empty with out yvonne hanging around to do things with..

unfortunate

so im n ot dead yet..slgihty drugged but not dead..had a headache fore the etter part of a day and finally gave in and took something for it..and now im fighting sleep and not making any sense..maybe if im lucky ill sleep through tomorrow but knowing me ill be up at my usual time..i was going to sleep earlir and kenyetta came by with her baby and her baby is so cute..but it woke me up and then i played sims until i got bored and just kept thinkinag about how much everything sucks right now.i dont know what i want but since yvonnes not here it doesnt matter that much because if i wanted anthing i wouldnt be getting it..sleep tonight and somehow think of a way to not b e around tomorrow becuase i dont want to talk to anyone..sucks im almost out of meds that make me sleep..next would be staying awake but id rather just sleep the next three weeks away and forget about everything..didnt want to cut and all thats left is sleeping but i sill have to wake up tomorrowo and then i dont know nothing to do ..ill just think about everything and make myself feel worse i want to braek something and i have to keep out of the kitchen so i dont break anything..i dont like when im angry because then it takes forever to make it go away again and it sucks because its not the same reaction like hwat goes with being sad..still eventually got around to cnosidering cutting all other ideas werent good enough..could cut but i havent i dont want to not really.i wanted to cry earlier still do kinda i want to get lost somewhere and not come back ever..maybe ill be the second person on saturn..dont remembr if saturn is hot or cold cas i want to go to a cold place..relly cold and then ill walk around in a tshirt and freeze to death before i make it three steps..i cant find my bear anymoreo and i had her and i wan herso i wont get bad dreams and i hope i dont get sick..played the word association game with yvonne yesterday and that game can get depressing awfully fast..im not good the first word kinda things i can do secod or third word.. i think my arm died on me.doesnt really matter sence im forgetting what i want to say..ming is taking up my bed and i want to kick her off but thats to much efort so ill have to share

angry is not the word

there is no word in the english dictionary that can fully get how mad i am..yes i am perfectly fine about a lot of things and i can let a lot of things go but i just flat out refuse to let it go when my grade hangs in the balance of the most idiotic teacher ive ever had..and thats saying something because the lady is a freakin social worker and a bad one so it seems..earlier in the semester she got mad becasue one of the girls in the class sent her an email asking her to slow down or make copies of her notes because no one can keep up with she says in class etc...so the next class she comes in and me being clueless as to what went on wonder why it looked like she was about to cry in front of the class..well she gave this whole speech that flat out called us stupid and that it was our fault if we werent keeping up wtih the readings and it wasnt her responsibilty to make sure we knew what she was talking about when it went with the chapters in the book..and it would have been fine and dandy if she had left out the stupid part..no i didnt do the readings..but i came to class..no one did the readings ..and for the rest of the class no one said anything..after class i found out about the email that went to the teacher and i had to agree with it..this is the second time ive had her as a teacher and yes she does talk really fast and its hard to keep up with what she says..she knew this already, we told her in research, we asked every class if she could slow down and say stuff over...and now its an issue..so the whole thing went to the director of the dept and they didnt do anything about it...after that i never wanted to go to class..i didnt have a reason to listen to anything she said..theres that whole you have to earn respect to get it and she just didnt have mine anymore..but i still did my work, i turned in my work and i still showed up for class..didnt listen or talk in class but then i dont talk in any of my classes so that was nothing new..today i find out that she will be giving grades on participation..and only on that..all the work i busted my butt to do wont count at all and that really really makes me mad..i dont talk in class and thats because i dont like talking much..i didnt talk in this class because i didnt like her..but its not fair to grade on participation when there is other work i already have grades for..and in the handout from the beginning of the semester participation is only supposed to be worth 10 points..not a complete grade and its not fair ..i can handle losing most of those 10 points if i have to but i know my grades and i know im sitting somewhere in the b range..which im perfectly fine with...anything lower than that just isnt right or fair..ive worked way to hard to get my grades up to run into this now..geez even yvonne said in not so many words that the teacher bordered really heavily on being disrespectful towards the class and yvonne was in my class for less than 10 mminutes..ive had the lady for two semesters and the first time i was in her class i got the feeling she didnt like me..nothing to complain about i did myy work and ended up with an a in the class..this semester i guess the feelings were mutual..it takes a heck of a lot to get on my bad side and me being who i am i let a heck of a lot of stuff go for various reasons but now the choice is seriously bordering on me failing or passing a class that i dont need to fail only because i didnt participate..that whole stand up for your rights thing comes to mind and even if i might be the most agreeable person i know with just about everything i can think of i guess the line has to be drawn somewhere..

jealous

kinda sucks a lot when i realize i am jealous and i want to think im happy for her..i could swear and down i was happy for her and almost of the the time i am..but some nights like tonight when she is so happy and then talking about like grown up stuff with me ie sex..but talking about her relationship compared to nothing ive ever gone through gets a bit confusing because she wants my advice on the subject and i give her what i know but its not based on anything ive done...mostly just things ive picked up here and there, things i just know not to do..and after like the third topic change i realized that what yvonne has confused or not about it..its a good thing and i want what she has..i just dont really think ill get it..my whole warped vision of what love is and isnt will just get me in trouble..but all the same the being jealous part completely overshadows the being happy part..and the whole thing really just makes me hate myself more, because a lot of the time i do get a bit annoyed with yvonne for going on and on about her bf and because its not like we can exchange stories or anything on the subject..but i listen and talk and advise because well i just do and then im happy and completely loving hearing what they done or what trouble they manage to get into becuase they are funny and special ..but then i realize i dont have stories like that and if i did i dont know if i would bother telling anyone else about them..but still being jealous just gets in the way..now that im thinking about it i cant get it out of my head..it makes me want to cry..i dont like myself i cant expect someone else to do it for me or in place of me..i dont think there is a such thing as being able to form a relationship with someone when one person has to like the other person enough for both of them..it would wear them out in the long run and it wouldnt last without a heck of a lot of help..therapy comes to mind but it would just be really hard...the more i think about relationships in general the more i just refuse to be touched..its more than a protection thing i guess..almost always im fine with being by myself..not counting this weekend because i cut becasue i was feeling alone and still am..but when i start thinking about why i just happen to be alone it makes me feel worse about everything and more alone than ever..and i guess ill go to bed before i completely lock myself in a dark room or smoething

sucky couple days

i keep forgetting that im supposed to be working on accepting compliments ie good stuff and so when i hear it im not thinking about it..and then like half a minute later i do remember and go back and say thanks..and even though i say it i dont really believe it..my first thought when i hear anything good is that they are liars and second thought is say thanks and forget it..you would think i was walking in front of a firing squad when all i have to do is say thanks..i think it would be easier to do almost anything else..ill take any other homework now

when did things begin to change? it didnt happen all at once so i guess it was one of those gradual things that i wouldnt have noticed if it hadnt been pointed out to me..i question a lot of stuff but not as much as i do now..i spend a heck of a lot of time figuring stuff out, if that could be a job i would be rich by now..i just like knowing the why behind stuff and with mommy i cant do that..so i just half question stuff about her and question the heck out of everything else..

dont feel like writing anymore...this b eing the third one ive started and stopped

things to never do

lesson 1

marshmallows will blow up if you try to roast them in the microwave..but they get really big before they blow up..fun to watch and a pain in the butt to clean up

dreams

saying im scared would be an understatement..wake up on edge kinda thing..the suns out and i have to check under my bed to make sure theres nothing there..im starting to notice all the dreams i remember are about being chased..well a lot of them are any way..the one i had this morning was about being taken to this school place or an old house but i went there with someone i knew..i dont think i would have gone if it had been someone i didint know but anyhow they got me there..and i think it was someone i trusted enough to follow in the first place..but still i went and as usual things are never really what they seem..the place made me think of a hospital..some part of it was about getting blood and testing it for a reason i dont know..and i kept trying to get out and they kept chasing me..they keep managing to find me and i just end up being chased by some lady with a needle..had she caught me i really think she would have killed me..i dont think ive ever managed to really die in a dream though..but if you die dreaming does that mean you dont wake up again? i dont know but ive had this dream once before..same thing though..i end up somewhere i dont need to be and when i figure it out i try to get out and it doesnt actually work and i never know how it ends..just running though..always running from something thats trying to get me..ok someone who is trying to get me..my dreams seriously follow the same patterns..if i wanted to think about the ones i remember..like the time i dreamed i was stuck in this house that happened to be in some secret place under an airport..no idea how i managed to find it but once i was there i couldnt get out again..couldnt find the way out or who ever was there just wasnt letting me get out..or the other school one that ended up with me in the middle of something i didnt want to be dealing with..and if i got to wake up i didnt have to but anyway not a good idea to bring it up now..so my dreams end up being about being trapped or chased..im always somewhere i shouldnt be and then i end up being the one hurt or i cant help the one who is being hurt..and the dream i had where i couldnt help still left me trapped in a way..and that dream i dont want to have again either..dreams suck so it seems..as if i dont enough during the day to not think about anything i have to dream about all of it in completely off the wall ways..and then when explained doesnt seem that far off base which makes it all the more crummier..

thinking

what i would i do if i couldnt write..i think i would be able to drive myself crazy in less than a week..with no where for my thoughts to go i really could drive myself up the wall and it would be really fast...im in a depressing mood and watching rent and making it worse...the longer im by myself the more i want to cut...i keep thinking about when yvonne asked if i knew anything about cutting from my classes and that conversation could have been so different..i still feel a little guilty because she said she didnt know how to help her find and i could have just turned around and told her that she has lived with me for a year and shes helped without knowing she was helping..but i didnt..i dont know if ill ever tell her..or maybe i will when we arent living togethr anymore..dont know..

ive been trying

semesters over

hard to believe that the semester is already over for me...suddenly im that much closer to graduating and i have no idea what im going to be doing..ive offically passed my final general ed req..im done..and that really worries me for some reason..like i have no reason to be in school anymore hence they are about to make me graduate but i have no idea what im supposed to be doing after that? real world, get a job, establish myself..who do they think im trying to be?! id rather just i dont know do anything else but reality must set in at some time and bills dont pay themselves...oh well at least i have no one semester left for putting off thinking about all that.

went to the movies yesterday and saw casanova..went the day before that and saw the new world..went shopping on monday..wow tuesday was the only day i didnt do anything fun..no classes dont count as fun..went and did my make up test yesterday and i hope i did ok on it..but back to yesterday..it was fun, went to class and almost fell asleep in bio and that was only after i found out i wouldnt have to take the exam but i would have to sit through the whole class to sign the roll saying i stayed and woouldnt have to take it..yvonne came to two of my classes an inadvertently had to sit through both of them..one longer than the other but still not the most interesting classes ive had to sit through..i was a dork and didnt eat like i should have yesterday and so by 5 i wasnt feeling good and i was so sleepy..some of that being left over from bio but still i knew better...so we went to dinner downtown and it was really good minus the veggies on my plate..and we played phase 10 and went to expressions on a whim cause it was my bright idea to go in..ive always wanted to look i nthe store and yesterday was as good a day as any to do it..its actually a pretty interesting store..a lot of it just wasnt for me but theres tons of stuff to look at and i bought a talisman necklace..senerity and inner strength...i looked at all of them and there were some for happiness and love and everything but the only one i really liked was the one i got..its pretty though..wonder what mommy will say when she sees it..just a little worried she might make me take it off..hmm guess ill have to worry about that when it happens...if it happens...and then we went and saw casanova and it was good, it was funny, it was scandalous..good heavens but its was ok, not to many people having fun at the same time, but still really funny..and at least i didnt choke on a cookie..and i threw half a cookie at yvonne and i was having a perfectly fine night until i called mommy cas she called me and i didnt get it..some things it makes perfect sense to get yelled at about and for some things its just stupid..topic of the night was shoes..how do i get yelled at for wearing the wrong shoes..and its been a week or so since i did it but i still manage to get yelled at so i remember to never do it again...
never good enough one way or another.