well since im already mad...might as well say what i want too

lets have a freaking conversation about personal responsibility...

and i am trying hard to control myself and my anger but its just not working right now..but i also have no need to apoligize in my own damn blog for anything i feel like saying.

the funny thing is that normally i dont curse.. it embarrases me a lot...but right now im ready to curse out anyone who looks at me the wrong way..im just pissed off..at everything and at nothing ..

and its like once i get this way everything that has bothered me recently comes pushing to the forefront of my mind and i just get quickly overwhelmed and bothered and pissed and angry..because i also know that once the anger passes..depression will set in hard and fast..

i wnat to just scream at everyone. i want to be alone and i want it to be quiet. 

i dont want to have to deal with anyone or anything or life or death or work or people or the cats..nothing.  i want absolute silence and nothingness...and i think that is the part i miss most about the cutting...i cant escape into nothingness anymore..im stuck in reality..im stuck in this world when all i want to do is escape it..because it hurts to much..because it sucks being sad all the time..because i dont like feeling so angry and upset..and i feel the need to be mean and push ppl away from me and just say anything and everything..and so it is just best to avoid ppl right now...for safetys sake..theirs not mine...i know how far ill go..but someone else doesnt..

im supposed to feel..well fuck me cas i dont want to feel a god damn thing.  i dont want to feel another fucking emotion..i dont want to be sad or anxious or worried or stressed out or scared or panicky..i dont want to have to deal with any of that..i just want to be locked away from everyone so that i dont hurt anybody..

i dont want to care.
i dont want to be here
i want to hide
and
go away
and
just have quiet
is that so freakin much to ask for????


crapola i have a killer headache and yes screw personal responsibility because its a waste of time..and this had nothing at all to do about it

whatever