on the way to shut down mode

As much i as try to not shut down..i do believe i am in the middle of shutting down..litterally...and i know its happening..its just that each day i just feel like talking a little bit less and sleeping a whole lot more..work is a good distraction but even with that i have to remind myself that i can not fix their problems..be supportive and as helpful as i can yes..but fix them no...and ive been thinking about that a lot this weekend in relation to one of my clients..and as much as i want to fix things for her..i just cant and it makes me sad...but i have to remember that i have my own stuff to deal with..so i have to seperate and make sure i stay seperated...
it helps that one of my clients is out of toown for a couple weeks...it will lighten my load just a bit..

things are ..well im more anxious lately..and i know its a mix of no therapy..going home..going on vacation..money or lack there of..and im tired..not in a really suicidal way but im just tired...there is so much that i need to do and so much of a lack of money that i dont know what to do...and the holidays brings its own sort of stress...and im just worrying a lot again..meds be darned..im worrying..

i have two weeks now until i go on vacation and im terrified...you would think that i would be thrilled ..but no im terrified..i doubt my ability to manage things on my own..and so yeah im having all sorts of issues with the whole flying by myself and what not..i know i can do it..but i am just scared...and not only that but i am completely going to not care and wear what i want and go swimming and not avoid stuff just cas of my scars...thats stupid..and ive spent to much money on this trip to not have a good time...i mean im ok at home wearing sleeveless stuff and what not...but ive never really done it around other ppl..and that is what scares me ..but i keep being told that other ppls reactions isnt my concern..and im trying hard to get that to stick in my brain..i am..but still i worry so much and care so much more for other ppls feelings and what not...but this is about me and what i want..scars or no scars...i am tired of hiding you know..im tired of being afraid to go swimming or wear something sleeveless because of the scars...away from my work life...this is purely personal life issues you know...with work its different..that technically in professional mode...but in my own life i can do what i want..wear what i want..say what i want..knowing good and well i dont do any of that..but the option is there lol..

but you know there is just a lot going on right now..and feeling stuck with not being able to really talk about it..and need t and she is not here and that throws me off big time..and i know im able to see courtney next week but still its not the same..

and im not even going to get into the mess that is rent this month..i hate the late charges..but this month it just cant be helped...ugh...

so just a bit frustrated .. ok a lot frustrated...


but i counted today..its been 77 days with no cutting...

i should prolly start tracking the b/p ..but i dont know about that one...but the no cutting i am tracking..because as i move into the last months of the year ..knowing i go downhill really fast this time of year..im trying to stay strong..stay stable..stay something...who knows maybe ill get out of all family visits this year..that would be fun...

cas i already said im not going anywhere for thanksgiving..ill stay home cas of traveling in oct..and christmas may or may not happen ..but all those plans are up in the air..and going to yvonnes is an option..so that is cool too...so yeah will just have to see...but for now...for now i just need to get through the next week weeks..and then everything will just sorta happen at once i think...essh