Fear is instilled deep deep within me, fear of home, fear of mommy, fear of judgement, fear of not being good enough, just flat out paralyzing fear..willing to over medicate type fear just so i dont have to deal.
I was at home for maybe a day and a half, not all of that time was spent with mommy. i did see her friday night but she had to do an overnight thing with work..so it was just sorta a drop in and get the keys type thing..i was sooo tired and worn out ..but knowwing i would have to see her kept me anxious too..but she didnt say anything negative..she told me i looked nice..a few comments about my hair..but nothing over the top negative...
saturday i was running around dealing with car stuff, and then getting my nails done as a bday gift from mommy, and then had lunch with mommy. talked about more general things at lunch and then since i wasnt feeling good i went home and laid down and mommy went off to do her own thing. and i was pretty much left on my own..and had some spiking anxiety that night..not sure why..i should feel safe you know..im home alone in the house i grew up in..yet i was anxious..and felt just trapped and i dont know..
but sunday things changed a bit...mommy became more pushy in the whole trip thing, and what i should wear and what i should do and all sorts of things...weight was brought up again as usual...but its like she hides the nice things she says inside of the not nice things and so im more attuned to pickking out the bad stuff you know..but so talked about my trip and packing and visiting my brother and what that would entitle..a conversation that was sorta in one ear and out the other...but a little bit later on she offered to rebraid my hair..and it did need to be braided and since i cant do it..i agreed to letting her do it...which started up the anxiety because the whole just sitting there without any distractions and her not on the phone leads to way to many questions and accusations...but tried hard you know..she happened to notice the scars on my right upper arm and mentioned them and if i would be getting them removed...she noted other areas and i confirmed but did not show..and she did not ask to see...i did lie and tell her that ive stopped completely for like 2 years..when its been more like 3 months..but that is info that she does not really need to know...but that led to a conversation about why i did it and all of that..and i actually talked to her a little bit anyway..i told her she didnt listen, and that i was dealing with depression and not liking myself..i told her that when i was younger it was all about cleaning and god forbid doing anything wrong and hsving to redo it or something. i told her i didnt listen well or do what i was supposed to do...she of course at this time did a complete 180 and started telling me all this positive stuff..like i was pretty and needed to hold my head up and all this stuff that i just couldnt process at all..but she also asked if it was something she had done..in relation to the depression bit..and i just told her no...i couldnt get into that...but that is one of those questions that really makes me wonder does she not remember ??? does she not know what happened? what she diid? how can she forget all the hitting, and threats, and yelling, and all of it?? what happened?? am i wrong? am i not remembering right? but some things i know for a fact because they have been confirmed by others...it was my brother that brought up the whole being forced to eat out of the toliet, and he was the one who told me we tried to run away when i was like what 2? 3?..i remember the threats and being hit..oh i wanted her to kill me when she said she would..i really did..i just wanted her to get it over and done with you know...but she didnt and time moved on and im still alive...but the fear, paranoia, brokeness has stayed .. the confusion and sadness..how could she not see that something was wrong with me growing up?? all the confusing messages and attacks that left me wondering why she even had me in the first place. why would two people just not want me..what had i done that was so awful and bad?? and so from years i cant remember the thoughts were planted ..that i was just bad, different, messed up..to quiet, compared to my sisters and brothers..i grew up silent and obident and nothing was explained to me. how do you call a child a whore and a slut and then just forget about it? how can you forget the beatings with everything that was handy and not realize that my brothers and sisters tried to protect me at times..what happened? am i wrong? am i crazy ? i dont know where the blame lies..i dont know if things would have been different had i ended up in a different family..i dont know..and i try not to dwell to much on it because it is so depressing wondering where it is that i belong..who it is that i belong to exactly..
this is life..that was growing up..the extremely watered down version but all the same..its my past..and i know my past created who i am today..but why do i have to be so broken? ive been in and out of therapy for so long..on and off meds..trying and failing repeatedly..but things are a little more on the upswing right now..growing..processing, thinking things through..
it is just hard trying to figure it all out..and figure out where things are with mommy..i know that going home is not good for me..but cutting ties completely is not a real option either..and i cant change her..so maybe it is me that is changing.and me being more willing to stand up for myself or at least try to say how i feel. i dont think ill ever be completely comfortable with mommy..i really dont...but at the same time maybe in time there can be something that is more positive i dont know...maybe its just a personality thing and we really just arent able to be together or around each other for long ..i dont know. i know that what happened with mommy is a major major thing...different, confusing, but major.. and im just not sure what i think about it..not yet...
the picture at the top..i dont know what year it was taken, i dont know how old i was in it..but it is one of the few pictures of me as a child..and since im not allowed to really have any of mommys pictures..i just took a picture of the picture..and so now i have it..i look at the picture and feel nothing though..i know its me..duh it looks like me..but it feels as if im looking at a stranger..that i dont know the little girl in the picture..i dont like that..i really dont ..
1 comment:
hi there...i want you to know i went through this w/my dad..when i actually confronted him w/things he had done to us growing up he looked at me like i was delusional.....he dont remember....and they wont remember cause its not important to them and they think they have done no wrong....you are remembering right but dont beat urself up over it....may i suggest something that helped me alot...i sat down and wrote my dad a letter one day many years ago...telling him all he did to me and how it made me feel.....when i was finished i will say it was a big weight off my shoulders....then i burned it....like the smoke was all the bad things that floated away into the air and disappeared......maybe that can help you....blessings hon
Post a Comment