i really wanted to say oh fucking hell but i didnt..well i guess i did but whatever..
im suddenly feeling incredibly pissed off and tired and frustrated and just ugh..i dont know...
out of no where im just thinking about my conversation from yesterday and realizing that yeah it is moving into the holiday season ..and i truly am at my most down/suicidal during this time..just because of all the expectations..the rules to follow..the need to be good and obedeint and all of that..and it makes me mad..cas i know what it going to happen..the same fucking thing that always happens..last year sucked royally...big time sucked..suicidal sucked..never going home again sucked..it just wasnt good..and my conversation yesterday with kathy touched on that 'my hard time' is coming up and it makes me want to scream...and i just feel stuck..and trapped and uupset..and for no good reason..after vacation what am i going to do with myself?? i found out that i do still have my razors..and that i do know where they are..some things never change do they??? everything is still hard and miserable and sucky and im just stuck all in the middle of it and cant find a way out..and that makes me feel so so so mad...im constantly having to remind myself to relax..and im not taking my sleeping meds as punishment for not doing my work..so that im sleeping but not really sleeping..like ive been once again since 4am..and so now im tired and wanting to so to sleep and i cant because technically i have to go to work..and just ugh...im mad and annoyed.. and a bit pissed off and i know my anger is coming from somewhere that im not allowed to tap into ..and i also know that without cutting it is going to have to run its course..but its just not helping at all that i am feeling so very pissed off and upset...fuck
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