i nneed to write..really need to write becuase i am feeling on the edge of the abiss .. i want to run, hide, scream, disappear..everything is to hard..im going crazy..and its all based around going home..this is how it goes..this is how bad things happen..she gets into my head and i cant let it go..i cant let her go..i cant get rid of her words..i doubt myself and my ability..i feel stupid..i feel like a child..and still it just makes me feel so miserable and down and crazy..one conversation with her and im back into suicidal zone..i dont want to be here..i dont want to have to deal with the stress..i dont want to have to worry if i am wrong or stupid or messed up..i dont want to hear what she thinks of me or what she wants of me..i cant do this..i dont want to do this..and this is just the beginning of the down hill spiral..i know im at the beginning of one but i cant let go ..i cant get out of it..i believe i want to die in the end..my need to escape and find peace outweighs my good sense and then i just end up confused..and lost ..and upset..i want to hurt..i need to hurt..i believe i need to be punished..that i deserve to be punished because i just keep messing up..keep screwing up..im not good enough..even now im not good enough..there is still some way to make it better..to become more than me..this is when nothing at all works..nothing helps..and i am lost in his dark place and i cant find a way out..there feels like there is no way out and im trapped in my own head..and i want to die because im afraid..because i cant not think about the past and then the past gets confused with the present and i dont remember..im not hit now .i was hit before..im still yelled at now and called names now..just like before..but the words are what i cant escape..the keep me afraid..the fear of being hit keeps me obident..the fear of rejection keeps me going home and hoping that each time it will finally be better than the next time..that some how this will be the time when i am good enough..when i will be loved and wanted..and it doesnt happen..and its just me continuing to set myself up for failure..because if i fail then i have a reason to hurt..becuase my thinking gets all screwed up and nothing makes sense and hurting is how to make it all stop..and that is all i want..i want it to stop..i want a break..from myself..from everything..and i just dont want to deal with anything..i dont want to be around anyone..i dont want to have to talk..i will be trapped forever in my silence and no one will know..that was always the important thing..no one could ever know something was wrong.and i guess i could go back into that..survival mode.just getting through the day..i think its already started considering how much ive been sleeping lately..if i sleep i dont have to think..i dont have to deal..there is nothing to fight for..there is nothing that holds me here..why cant i have my escape? im not hurting anyone..im not doing anything to hurt anyone else..when will ppl figure out that i am nothing..a waste..a nobody..who would notice if i was gone..who would even care?
maybe its good that i will sleep soon..i cant deal tonight
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