sometimes the world becomes to much to handle..and yesterday was one of those days..mommy got to me and in turn i got to myself..i hated myself..i couldnt figure out what i had done wrong.i forgot how old i was..i forgot everything .. i just knew i needed to listen to obey to do what i was told..
and there are a million and one things wrong with that whole freakin statement..and its only taken me about 24 hours to process through it and figure out that what happened was not ok..and that my shutting down was not ok either..i let what she said affect me so easily..it didnt take much thought at all..in fact i think i stopped thinking period until the conversation was over because all i was hearing was..your not good enough, and do things my way..and so i got off the phone with her and just couldnt deal with myself..i didnt know what to do or think or feel and i was upset and at work and thankfully alone at the time because i was not feeling like i was in much control of myself..i wanted to hurt myself..i wanted to die..i think those where the ending thoughts..really i just wanted to be left alone..to have some peace..its like i cant accept myself becasue she doesnt accept me and it cant be like that..because my life is here..not at home..i cant spend numerous days hiding in bed after one conversation with her because suddenly im overwhelmed and suicidal all at the same time..and then i cant hear what anyone tells me..and so i hide and wait .. and be critical and hateful and harmful to myself..i can trap myself pretty effectively .. i can drive myself crazy with the constant thinking and comparing and anger and sadness...and it takes just one stupid little conversation to set off hours worth of not okayness..that i just couldnt work through..i couldnt think through it..i couldnt deal with it..and so i just made it go away..and slept..again slept away almost a whole day...skipped work because i was afraid to face the world..afraid to deal with anyone..afraid to have to talk or manage or be around anyone..and the problem is that when my mood is like this or when i am feeling like this...i just dont care..i could be one day away from being fired and i just dont care at all..if i feel like i am safe at home then nothing short of a natural disaster is going to get me out of my house...and yes i knew after a couple hours of nothing this morning that i was just flat out feeling sorry for myself..that i was making it worse..i may not have started it but that doesnt mean i had to let it go on for so long..and of course now i can see that and say that..but yesterday it wasnt happening..yesterday that thinking didnt work..yesterday i could have crashed my car and died and my only concern would have been wondering if mommy was gonna be mad at me..crazy isnt it..
it is really hard to just explain to someone else why it is that i am so not ok with going home and being home..and being around mommy or talking to her..i dont want to hear about how much she has done and how much i should be grateful for..i cant stand when ppl/family do that..i have never once said i was ungrateful for anything ... but the cost of being grateful and accepting comes at such a high price..and i get tired of having to pay..i get tired of being yelled at..and i get tired of being afraid of the old stuff..how can i explain that if im at home in a room with mommy that i have to stay by the door or i need to have a way out or i will freak..that i refuse to look at her because she can judge me with just a look and wont have to say anything..but i go back and forth home..less now than before...but still home..and it is going home that is driving my irrational stuff to the brink...i know im being paranoid and irrational and stupid and ridiculous and all sorts of things ..but my head believes it..and so i believe it..and i worry still about being hit or hurt or yelled at..i told alice going home makes me suicidal .. i think she is the first person i actually said that too..i dont remember..but the worrying about going home makes me crazy..i have to have the entire thing thought out..i have to know exactly how long i will be there..exactly how long i will be expected to talk ..and what i will be expected to do..i have to figure out what to wear..how to be..i have to have it all planned out or i wont survive..and my thinking will overwhelm me...i dont think i travel with my razors..but i do know i have some..whether they go anywhere with me is still up for debate... i willingly destroy myself just so that i can deal with her destroying me..i have to go back to the basics of living because thats all that matters..i have to be able to turn myself off so that i dont react..so that i can last through whatever it is that goes on or what is said..everything i may have learned inbetween times going home..any measure of self confidence or self assurance goes out the window..and i am still that scared little kid who has to follow the rules..and of course knowing i am breaking the rules by talking to alice and courtney freaks me out more when it comes to this time of year and home and all of that...i cant sleep for the next two and a half months..i cant ignore the world for that long..well i can but im not supposed to do that...might as well put a stamp on my forehead that says certifiably crazy ...
such is life..miserable and sad and just nothing..i know what it takes to get through..but how can i explain it to anyone else? oh yeah by the way..i have to cut because it calms me down? right...now is when i have to be careful..much more careful with having meds around..and having other things around...the need to be numb or empty begins to outweigh everything else..and i know its starting..it always starts around this time..when suddenly the world becomes a much scarier place..and i am stuck..no moving forward but a lot of moving backwards...a lot of pain and remembering and dealing that i dont want to do..
ive long since forgotten the whole point of why i felt the need to write..i dont think i meant for it to be about this..im pretty sure i had something else in mind but ive forgotten what it is now...but the screaming and what not doesnt stop in my head..it never stops..screaming to be heard..screaming to be helped..screaming to be seen..but nothing gets out..and i end up silent ..and waiting..and quickly losing hope in everything and everyone..
not sure if i feel better or worse..but im going to sleep ..
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