i dont remember completely what it is that i wrote about earlier this week..but i know it wasnt happiness and butterflies and unicorns...nope far from it...and i was fine writing it..i think i was more pissed off that i didnt feel better after writing the second one but whatever..ok get to the issue..the issue is that in a major major lapse of judgement obviously..i printed off both of the things i wrote and took them with me to see the med doc today..aka courtney...who i do trust..i do..but i need that trust confirmed..Alice has confirmed it and so i can calm myself down when it comes to giving her things i have written and its only been once...i left what i gave courtney today well with courtney for alice..but i also knew that courtney would read it..we have had that convo before because she told me that she read the other stuff ...but ok...once again..a little nervous handing it over..but gave it up.because mainly i knew i was going to walk in and say i was fine and be lying 50 million ways..i actually didnt say i was fine..and i did tell her some of what has been going on this week and with mommy..but im sure that my writing gave way more information into how i was really feeling and what i was really thinking...i was honest about wanting to cut..and not being so sure about handing over my razors..i didnt mention being suicidal though..and i was given my med refill which involved receiving 3 very full bottles of the same medication...now i have already told courtney about my overindulgence in the good ole clonazepan that i really like...and i told her i didnt want her to take that one from me..this is all before leaving her today..i told her about the changes to my meds due to the other chat we had and the drinking convo and all of that...technically ive been disgustingly honest about my less than stellar performance with my meds...but again i was honest and told her .. and so i promised i would not take over the correct amount..and told her exactly how many i was taking..and all that ..told her i wasnt sure about the razors and cutting and all of that..and not once did i mention anything at all about suicide..but anyway..left..went to work..and randomly about an hour after leaving i get a call..and was pretty surprised that it was courtney..cas we had already agreed to her calling me tomorrow to just check in and all of that...but not today..so i wasnt expecting it..i wasnt expecting her to tell me that she had read what i gave her and was concerned..and wanted to be sure i would be safe..especially after gettting so much extra medication..so yeah she called..which at the time only freaked me out a little bit..but now its later and ive had time to think and so its now that i am feel freaked to high heaven..and being majorly irrational and just ugh..i know i need to calm down and i know that i am just a bit freaked and upset..and that im not gonna be in trouble...but my head is not agreeing with me at all..not at all..
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