tired...and still so very hurt

i just cant seem to fully process all that happened over the weekend and the message i got on monday...i feel hurt..and betrayed and dismissed and yes my feelings have been validate by others..but at the same time im fighting hard to take responsibility for all of it.and its not my fault...i think ive gotten upset to the point of crying but the tears dont come..instead i just sit and think and wonder about what is wrong with me..what have i done wrong? i know deep deep down inside that i am not at fault..that my behavior should not condemn me...but in my head..i have been judged, condemned, and found guilty all in one go...i have interalized what she said big time..and as much as i may have tried not to ..i have..and so i am having a hard hard time letting go of the guilt and blame and shame ..

i saw the pdoc today and told her some of what was going on...no med changes currently but i think there will be one soon..or the next time i see her...but in the process of talking to her..she decided that she needed to get me in to see a therapist because it was an emergency...and so i ended up seeing a new therapist today...not sure yet what i think about her..but she was ok to talk to..and i have an appointment to see her next week ..so will see how it goes...i think the not having a reg therapist really is affecting me mor than i care to admit..i mean yes i am standing on my own two feet and managing ..but when i get knocked down..i stay down..and the past couple weeks i have just been knocked down..and im not bouncing back from it..im still down..and sad ..and wanting to die..the feelings dont go away..anymore..and i feel so stuck and trapped and alone..not ok...all i do is sleep and zone out..and drift away...and go to work but dont do the paperwork..which is screwing with my paycheck..

ugh...im just all out of positive everything right now...
am loving the new bear..she makes me feel a little bit happy and a little bit at peace..
but the real world is still out there..waiting for me..and im learning more and more that i dont fit into it..

:(