things are just...

i try hard not to cry..lesson learned when i was younger..so it takes a lot to get me crying...but yesterday i guess things just got to be to much..and i cried for a while..of course this happens when i am on the way to work and its like trying to pull it together and still get to work in one piece when i have completely broken down and just want to disappear in my head...yesterday wasnt a good day..this whole week has been a lot of not so good days..still feeling down..suicidal..not cutting though...i thiink im past the area of wanting to feel something..now i dont want to feel anything...im not feeling stable enough to interact with anyone at all..but i still have to work..some how i have to get myself together and figure out what is going on in my head...when i can think clearly ..i know that i am not evil or satanic or possessed or any of that...but i am easily led to doubt..and once i begin doubting..anything is possible..and that fuels the suicidal part of things...i think bible study last night is just it for a while with the whole church thing...church has left me disappointed, hurt, afraid..maybe it was just some of the people in church..maybe it was just that i dont agree with a lot of what is said..but my faith is no higher now than when i started..my feelings of fear and inadequacy are a lot higher though..because thoughts of  what is wrong with me plague me...what did i do wrong?  how did i manage to fail yet again at something?  i tried to get support and it didnt work..i was judged quickly and harshly...and continued to be judged and condemned for my behaviors..i was told i didnt care..that i wasnt trying..but really it took a lot to get me to go to church..it took a lot to get me to ask for help and support..it took a hell of a lot to keep going and trying...but my slip ups..my backsliding i guess was just not tolerated in some peoples eyes..and my struggle became my downfall..it didnt matter that i have years of abuse and hurt and whatnot to work through..it didnt matter and i was actually told i was wrong to feel upset with god...my unsteady faith was called out more than once and i was told i wasnt trying..i wasnt participating..how can i particpate when i feel nothing there..im still afraid in church..i still struggle with feeling like i am an adult in when im in church..and then there are days i go to church feeling off, sad, upset, and leave feeling confused and even more lost...

i have talked about it..i may have problems with communicating but this issue is one that i have expressed and expressed again because i am very hurt by it..i am internalizing what i have heard..and it is causes a lot of conflict inside of me...i want to hang on to the little bit of support i did get..but in order to keep myself safe and to try to get back on stable ground i know i need to stop going...me and mental illness is not accepted there and even though i work so hardd to hide it and work so hard at pretending to be happy and ok and in control .. im not..yes i cut..yes i get depressed..yes i isolate and find numerous ways to hurt myself .. no i dont like or love myself..crap im lucky if im having a day where i can just manage to tolerate myself ... i had agreed to try the church..to help get myself out ...to help with meeting new people..and i put myself out there with the pastors wife..and once again i am to much to handle..she told me she would never forsake me but she did..she told me that i wasnt going to talk to me, that she would ignore me..that i didnt care and wasnt trying..i dont like being called sick or crazy or being told that i need to be in the hospital..i may struggle but i still function most of the time...i mean crap i have been considering if i do need to be in the hospital..just because i am struggling so very much right now..and i try to get my feelings out..and talk to people who do understand where i am coming from..like nia and yvonne and eleni..who feel upset about how i am being treated and what is being said to me..they all agree that not going back is what the best step is for my well being...

i have decided finally not to go back..but it is not a firm decision.. as much as i want to say that i am going to protect myself..and stay away from a place that hurts me..and confuses me..i dont know what is going to happen...i am going to at least talk to jessica about it next week and let her know that i will not be coming back to church...because she tried to help me and listens to me..and i want her to know that i tried...but its not working out for me..i dont need any help at all in the feeling crazy dept...i dont need any help doubting myself or how i am feeling or where i am at on my path of recovery.healing/whatever...it has taken me to long to get where im at now to have it all crumble and for me to move so far backwards...i feel like i cant cope..im tearful and afraid and unsure of myself..and that is not ok...not when the feelings are being driven by current interactions and words...the past stuff i can deal with and know..but the new stuff..the new stuff hurts me in a way that i have not been hurt since living at home...and i dont want to go through that again...i cant go through that again..

i just continue to break apart..more and more..i try to move up and get pushed back down..and my feelings of being a failure come back ten times stronger..i wanted this to work..i tried..i did try...but still it wasnt enough...i wasnt fixing myself fast enough...i wwasnt good enough..

this week my days have consisted of wanting to hide..or run away..or die..i havent cut surprisingly..but that is just a thin thin line i am walking...

lets just make this week even better and ill say that today is the day my sister died so long ago...july was already a hard hard month for me...but things just became worse instead of better..and i feel like i am just dangling on a stirng ..waiting for the one thing that is gonna break it..and i will be gone...

im all out of hope..im all out of positiveness..im all out of everything right now..

if i didnt have to work today i would stay home...being out and around ppl is making me fearful right now..

and im tired...i do get tired of fighting..of trying to keep myself alive when it feeels like the world is against me..and that my trying to deal and hang on and get better is just not enough..and the feelings from before come up and i believe i would be better off dead..that i am just a waste of space..that something is very wrong with me..that there is no hope for me...and then i dont know what to do with myself..my ability to fight the thoughts decrease by the day..and im just sad and broken...thats all ..