cutting is not accepted..but i am not satanic

yesterday...

my head just couldnt handle anything else after yesterday..well by the end of yesterday..

well i just couldnt handle yesterday...my feelings were so hurt...i was internalizing a lot of what i had heard and my doubt and disconnected feelings ..

i didnt ..i dont understand why i am not accepted as i am..why i am judged...why i am looked down on..all because of cutting...why is it so hard for them to see past the cutting?  why is it so hard to see me ..and not the cutting... i want so much to be accepted and not judged ..but then i go to church and find that i am not so accpeted..my behaviors arent accepted..and im told im satanic and sick and called crazy and told that i need to be in the hospital and that there is something wrong with me...and im just hurt by it..really really hurt by it :(

but the worse part of it all..is that i keep letting it happen.because i want a parent so so bad..and she (the pastors wife) is so like mommy..and so i believe what she says...she is the one in a position of higher power..she demands respect..i have to listen to her..im afraid to let her go..but she keeps hurting me..with her words...she hurts me over and over and over..and im afraid she will stop talking to me..and tell me to go...but i keep getting hurt..and i dont understand ... struggling to hang on..struggling to let go..

we are feeling so very conflicted..and trying to fight the thoughts and words that we hear that condemn us to hell for being different..

im told again and again that im not obedient..that im not listening..that im not trying hard enough to get better..that im just playing games...i dont understand what is wrong with me..what causes me to just stay so undecided..

do i think its ok to hurt myself ..no...which is why i cant really call it hurting myself...cutting makes it seem more acceptable to me..inside in my head..hurting myself makes it hard to see and accept...i dont acccept it anyway..and i do try to stop..but i hate being told to stop..demanded to stop...told im going to hell..that im sinning...i dont have a strong religous base to hold on to anyway so this doesnt help any at all..:(

but still the doubts fill my head..the questions..the concerns and fears and being hurt ..ending up hurt..

i am not satanic..im not :( :(