ganged up on..dismissed...pushed away

i really truly dont know what happened....i tried to brush off my wrapped up arm...i tried to get everyone to think i was just in an accident and let it go...but some ppl just didnt let it go..and yes  i knew jessica knew the real reason..and i was ok with that...what i didnt count on was lady figuring it out..and then me having a long conversation with two of her daughters about my behaviors and needing to stop...the cutting...my anxiety just got worse the longer the conversation went on..and i dont like being told that im gonna be ignored...i dont like being told that i need to stop and i better not do it again...maybe it is just that they are scared for me..one told me that i am not accepting their care or love...and maybe im not..i still have trouble looking at them..and they kept calling me out on it today..and i dont know ..it was just a lot of conversation in a short amount of time..and my head hurts so much..and i dont know what what ti think ..i know i need to stop..i keep trying to stop...i know i havent been communicating at all lately...ive been doing everything but communicating..and expressing myself..and so yes the cutting is happening...but am i strong enough to stop..for good...ive stopped and started so much that it just really does become an endless cycle..and i try and fail so much that i just want to give up trying at all..in general i think lately i have been more in the give up mode of things...but im not feeling strong enough to stop for good...i dont know how to manage without hurting myself...i dont know how to manage that...my anxiety is up and my urge to just do something stupid is paramount right now...im upset..im feeling hurt and betrayd by some of what i was told today..and that i wasnt able to explain myself in a way that makes sense..:(  maybe im just over reacting and i deserve the yelling at that i got today..something has to get me to stop..and i dont know what it is really truly going to take anymore...maybe i should just kill myself and get it over with...thats what i feel like right this minute...