crazy

thats how i am feeling today...ive calmed down ..thanks to my lovely medication...im good and calm and quiet and almost asleep..but i keep thinking about today and what happened..and i try to remind myself that self injury is hard to understand for ppl who dont understand it...i wish i just didnt get so flustered and forgetful and wwas able to actually explain myself..and how im feeling...

there was on correct statement though...she mentioned that i was angry..that the anger had a lot to do with the cutting..and maybe ..no that is true..i think i do have a lot of anger but i dont know how to direct it or where to direct it..and so it just stays inside of me and comes out eventually in a not so good way...cutting, purging, burning..ive done it all .. my escapes...but everyone wants to take away my escapes...and then when i do die because i dont believe i have any other choice..what will be said then??? that i was a failure..that they tried to help me and i just wasnt capable of change...that i didnt listen..that i didnt try hard enough???

yes im angry...im very angry at my childhood..my life..the things that have happened...being hurt..over and over and over..i have a right to be angry...but the problem is that i dont know how to express the anger and the hurt and the betrayals  without harming myself...i know how to pretend..and smile..and ignore..and hide..and isolate..i can do all of that..but communicating...talking..expressing myself without fear...no ..  i dont know how to do that...and it causes me to stay stuck...