...sigh...

i can not put my fears into words.  i am afraid.  it hurts to breath and i panic.  i cant explain to anyone how bone deep the fear is..how mind numbing and consuming it is.  it overwhelms me and leaves me stuck..confused..lost..and still very very afraid...you know how every has there one thing that messes them up?  well moving is mine..i am in panic mode. i am struggling a lot right now.  i want to cut but instead of cutting i turn to food..i stuff down the feelings..i control the food..in this mess of my life that is feeling so very out of control..so very off balance..and it is as if i am just floating out in the open alone..because it is hard to find someone to understand why i fear something that is supposed to be a good thing..how can i ask for support or for someone to understand my fears right now..i should be happy and im not..i should be excited and instead im frozen in fear..i move tomorrow..i sign the lease and get my keys tomorrow and im dreading it..im  dreading being in my own place..locking the door and just listening to myself think..im scared of being alone and forgotten..and instead of falling apart like i want to do i stuff the feelings away...i pretend im fine and happy...i pretend im in control when i just feel so off balance and afraid..and i just deal with it..

not sleeping much last night is catching up with me big time..and so i made myself take a trazodone..and im forcing myself to go to sleep..and ill wake up early and finish packing and organizing..because im afraid that after tomorrow i will be in my apartment..i will be staying there ..instead of driving back and forth..no bounce..no company...gosh i hope ill be able to get online at the new place..

but even with all the fear i try to force myself to think of the positives of moving..no more hour long drives at night to get home..no more being accountable for other ppls stuff..no more sharing and being socialable if i dont want to be..the pros are not all that great you know..i mean deep down i know that i am tired of living with someone and not having my own place..i know that..and understand that..because its like here i am expect to prove that i am responsible and not a child...i sometimes get the feeling that i am seen as a child still..when im an adult (ha t would be proud of that one)..and i guess im just tired of living up to others expectations..im tired of being expected to do all this stuff..to be a certain way..and given at heathers the expectations were there ..but at the high perfect or nothing extreme..but still my faults with money and planning are pointed out a bit..and i am jealous of not being able to be as put together and they are :( yes i know it is time to be on my own again..to prove i can be on my own and live and be an adult and pay bills and all of that..its time to move on again..and if forcing myself to go through with it is how its going to be then so be it..

also realizing that i need my freaking medicine...and my medicine without insurance is going to run almost $400 .. im still waiting to hear about insurance..and in the process i have an appointment next week to do the finiancial screening thing at the free clinic..and see if i can get some help with my prescriptions..not having the lexapro is messing with me and i can feel the depression settling in big time...im not happy or calm or even as present anymore..the celexa doesnt do it..and if i have to spend the 240 for the lexapro alone then so be it...i need it...i really do..and not having it is just messing with me..so by the end of the week i will know if i can pay for it out of pocket..and it not then ill have to wait until the middle of the month...but gosh i really hope ill have the money to get the meds after bills i have to pay tomorrow..crap furniture can wait the way im feeling right now..

all the furniture and stuff is just a headache..i keep finding stuff i like and then someone else buys it before me..or someone tells me they will hold it for me and then they end up selling it anyway...im frustrated all around with that..and trying to make it all work and i just want to give up...maybe a break for a few days will help clear my head and stuff...maybe just getting stuff into the apartment and not stressing about actually moving will be good..i dont know..

im feeling really gross and everything from the constant binging lately :( its been pretty bad..the food issues going on..but i just dont have the energy to deal with all of that right now..i dont ...