today has been ok i guess...havent done anything really ...spent the morning cleaning a bit and then like just chilling ...i had my meeting at work and now im just sorta hanging around..supposed to be working on a missing note but of course enjoying the internet while im wasting time..but im not going to stay long today..cas the need to be at home is pretty strong..and have been like keeping myself occupied i guess..lots of writing and things..and just really nervous about seeing linda tomorrow and her being mad at me...and well just admitting that well the cutting happened and everything...not even sure it will make sense trying to explain why and how it happened..and how annoying it is that we gave in after all this time...i cant help thinking that it is like starting over..again..and wondering why i stopped in the first place..the relief was there..but that was after the tears ..and have never cried about cutting before and so that was really different...and well did throw away wwhat was used...but what about the next time the urges hit..or the next time the head goes off the wall..or something happens and everything...what will stop me then...i just hate all of this..and how it feels like it has been so long and we have been trying so hard and still its like we are going backwards...big time...and maybe it is just the changes and trying to get used to be alone and doing for ourselves and everything...and then all the feelings about my client and me having to go and drop him off at the residential place..and it bringing all of the adoption issues that have yet to be worked out..and then there is also the need to prove that i just need help..and i dont know how to get help..and so i do stupid things and then tell that ive done them because it warrants caring and support and i dont know of any other way to get that...except then i have to fight with myself to even admit it because half of the time i dont..but i dont know i guess there is just a lot going on and it stinks right now...
and i did tell my supervisor..about the cutting...well i actually told her today that it was cutting that i was dealing with...and she had given me a bunch of info yesterday on dbt stuff..and told me to work on the worksheets..and i told her that that stuff was juvenile and stuff that i already knew...and she told me to actually work on them and what not..and so ive looked through the info at least last night and a lot of it is stuff i have heard before..you know..ive never done dbt like the class dbt ..but ive had my therapist incorporate it into sessions..like ive had some of the worksheets or the info before...and so now i have all of that info...and today when i came in..we had a small convo texting while in the office..because i wasnt about to talk around my other supervisor...but well i told her..and everything..and right before i actually got around to texting her..she gave me another set of worksheets about cravings and urges and stuff..and told me to give them a try..and she gave me all of this info without me actually telling her what i had done..but then i told her..and she told me that she had kind of figured thats what it was
slightly disconcerning you know..but i do believe that she also told me that it had been 3 years for her..and that the worksheets helped and i am assuming that she meant that she used to cut...and that is different...and sorta hard to wrap my head around i think..just going to take some thinking...because i wonder if i ssee her any differently..do i consider her to be different now..knowing what i know...and well i wonder if she sees me differently..but im also going to assume that she has prolly knowing or wondered for a while...but its just i dont know...different
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