i have calmed down from yesterday evening..so that is pretty good...im not anxious about linda hving what ive written...because then i had to force myself to go back over what i had written because i didnt remember what i gave her...and i think that worried me a lot..not being sure what i printed off..and what she had..but i read through some of it and i felt better i think..still a lot of old stuff on my mind though..and really just still shocked i guess that i talked about what i did...
im still sorta struggling with how to approach my supervisor...its like for me the relationship has become more complicated..and i dont want it to be like that...i still want to be able to talk to her and to have her talk to me..and tell me stuff..and make me laugh..i dont want the s/i to be hanging over her and i guess that is a decision that i have to decide..and live with...do i see her any differently? be honest...i dont see her differently..and if anything i think my worship of her has gone up a couple notches ... its like i have someone who understands what it is like..the urges..the struggles....how hard it is..and she has accomplished what i want..she has stopped...she told me that it does get easier..with time..and i want to believe her..i want to trust her..i do trust her..and i trust that what she knows she will keep to herself...i mean crap i talked to her about my massive bleeding issue when that was going on...i dont think cutting is going to make her like never talk to me again...but i guess im wondering what she thinks of me..how she sees me..if i am different to her...questiosn that i am not comfortable asking her at all..but things that i wonder about...and i am nervous going to the office...and at the same time i feel the need to be in the office because that is a safe place..i can go there and it is quiet..and if i want to talk there are people to talk to..and i am cared for in some ways..and its interesting..that when i think of the office i feel like i fit in there..and i just want them to care about me ..need me...the director lady who i dont see very often..is the one i want a hug from...the people i talk to most often in the office are good for talking..but physical touch with them is not the same...and most certainly not from my supervisor..i already know she doesnt like to be touched..and she is just not a huggy person to me..where as i can see the director as a more huggy..more physical .. type person..and well me ..im just closed off..until i want something from someone..and then my boundaries are gone in an instant..and i just want comfort and safety and touch and ugh...its not easy...with everything that is going on right now..yes i want comfort big time..and i end up stuck and going back and forth because i am unsure of who to go to for comfort..and it makes me miss my prof and my friend who still are at my old college..who would hug me and i felt loved and cared for..and it makes me very very sad to know that my prof is moving all the way to california! i really wont be able to see her then..i mean we can email and stuff but its not the same..her being that far away...at least know i know that if i could i can go and visit her cas she is only a few hours away...but across the country is just not the same...-sigh-
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