just messed up :(

no real idea how to pull myself back from the edge..i have set up shop and seem to just be there..on edge..waiting.. i dont know..i dont know what happened this morning or how things got so out of hand ..all rational thought just kinda went out the window..got triggered...got upset..and just ended up messing up..a lot..cried afterwards..dont think that has happened before..but i will throw away what was used when i get home..and will have to clean up the huge mess that was made this morning..cas just kinda got up and walked out and left it all..head finally got around to realizing that i needed to get in touch with linda..and instead of calling and talking to her ..i called and made an appt to just see her..although now im fighting to keep the appointment and not cancel it..keep thinking there is nothing to say..no need to see her..but then that is put against the promise to tell her..the need to tell her..and have her help me...but i dont know..just not good in my head right now..and feeling physically bad from this morning..and trying to get work stuff done and everything and just go home and lay down..and the thing is this morning was going fine...was in a good mood..and feeling ok..and was watching a show and the trigger was unexpected and it was react and not think..got so upset..and i guess jealous too...maybe i just need to be banned from ever watching tv again...but have an appt to see t on wed...and im sure ill even be able to tell her..i know i wont tell her if i wait until next week...i really wont..so have to see her this week and somehow tell her...just want to go and lay down really..thats kinda all i want...