I don’t want to write today. I don’t want to say anything else but the thoughts are filling up my head and afraid that if I don’t write then I will just have a repeat of this morning. I don’t want to admit what I did to anyone. But I did text heather and tell her. And I asked her to not be mad at me. Im so scared that I have just messed everything up and that ive just ruined everything and thinking about it just makes my head hurt..
I don’t want acknowledge how desperate I felt this morning. How all rationale thought just kinda went out of my head and I reacted before I could completely think through what I was feeling. And I was just so angry. I wasn’t expecting the scene of s/I and so I wasn’t prepared..and that was the first trigger. The second trigger was how the scene played out. I get so caught up in the unjustness of how everything can be fixed on tv in like 30 mins..an hour if it is a really big problem..thats not the way it happens in real life..there is not immediate help and caring and support..and sometimes you are just left alone to deal with it all and it never ends..i was angry that the girl on tv got immediate help and understanding..i was jealous that there was someone there to offer immediate caring and support..and the need to prove it wrong was my overwhelming thought ..because if I do it..theres no one there to help me..its just me..and the huge mess I made..this morning no matter what I did it was still just me there..and there was no one to help me..no one to pick up the pieces..no one to put my back together..and when I realized what I had done..all I did was cried..and even then I didn’t stop..i had to work at getting the blades..and didn’t have what I wanted to use…but the pain I feel now is very real..i am reminded that I am alive..and I will deal with the pain..i did make a huge mess this morning and it is all still just kinda lying around because I haven’t picked anything up…I told myself I would throw away the razor and its blades that I just broke apart this morning..i told myself I would put back the glass and clean up what was broken..and I haven’t done anything ..i came home and laid down..and all I want to do is hide and forget what a mess I have made of everything..i tried so hard and still I failed again at this..i keep failing..and no Im not suicidal which surprises me all things considered..but I am very sad..and that is probably driving my need to just be quiet and alone tonight…if it was a little later I would have already overmedicated and just gone to sleep..but I know I will be up super early if I go to bed now..but I just want to stop my head..stop my thoughts…I just want peace and quiet and I cant turn off my head..i did call and make an appointment to see linda this week..although I guess I have prolly managed to make me mad at me to because of what I did..i am trying not to cancel the appointment..because I don’t want to admit it to her either…but if I wait I know I wont tell her..and I have to tell her..if I have to admit it then it may as well be to her..but it is going to be hard and im not even sure ill be able to get the words out…maybe I will work on a collage tomorrow before my meeting..i don’t see linda until 2 tomorrow..but right now work is light for me..and so I am just having a lot of time on my hands..and I don’t know what to do anymore..
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