insecure....

i think that is my problem lately...im feeling really insecure with all of the changes going on..and i guess im not being validated enough to make it all seem worth it...like im just waiting for something to happen to mess it all up..im waiting for 'me' to just mess it all up and i dont know what to do...logically i know things are ok and that things are fairly good right now..even with all of the struggles going on...but at the same time its like ok things cant be good for to long without something happening..i wonder if i am going to screw up things..somehow cause things to mess up..and so i just i dont know go through the day and just keep hoping for something to happen but i dont know what im waiting for..i dont know what i want to happen or what i need to happen..i dont know how to validate myself or my feelings or anything..and maybe that is what i saw t for..thats what t did for me..made me feel normal..and stable at least for a little while...i know im supposed to be feeling all positive and everything but i dont know..lately the depression is getting the best of me..and im not sure what to do about it..i have a stable job that allows me plently of free time..i have a paycheck give or take lol...you know i have bounce and a place to live and a car that works and still the depression is weighing heavily on me...im finally back on my correct meds and now its like they arent working :( and i dont want that to happen...i just want to be happy and stable..and nothing seems to give that to me..not meds..or therapy..or working..nothing...and i just am at a loss i guess for what to do to make it better...maybe i need to give the meds more time cas really its only been a little while that they have been right....but still the depression is big and overwhelming right now...to the point of not wanting to get out of bed..and not wanting to go to work..and i really dont want to have to deal with a med change .... most of the time i feel better..i do...but i guess i dont feel ok enough of the time to make it noticeable..and that is tiring...because most of my free time i am spending alone at home, or sleeping at home..if im not at work then im alone now without my sister around..and i know its not good to be alone so much..but i cant help it...i feel like i need to contain myself..to somehow stay in control of myself and my emotions and if i am at home alone and feeling crazy then no one is looking at me or laughing at me or anything...but i am really cut off with being at home and not having internet..because most of my interactions is online and stuff...and so its like im setting myself up to just fail at everything right now...some days i have to force myself to come out and use the computer at the library or take my computer with me to work or something..i just dont want to do anything at all...

today my client asked me if i ever get mad...he told me that he couldnt see me mad..and that i was also so humble...and part of me was thrilled that my 'control' is still so very much in place..and that nothing can cause it to sllip...and at the same time he mentioned that he was baseing it on what he saw when i was with him.and that he did not know how i was the rest of the time..and well i told him i got mad ..and i left it at that..but i guess it is still really important for me to appear in control and normal and sane..when really my head is just at war with itsself and its just tiring trying to stay present and get through the day. i told linda on tuesday that i really didnt know how i managed to do my job when i felt so crazy and unstable most of the time...i dont understand how i do it..i dont understand how i can give so much..and be expected to give so much when i feel like i am just out of anything to give..i have just been sucked dry and i dont have anything to give anyone ..but i would give to someone else before i even considered giving to myself or doing self care or something like that..maybe thats why im feeling so at odds with myself lately..

found this qoute in a book...

"He wondered which was worse...a child whose spirit could not outlive a broken body; or, like himself, a man whose apparent health hid a soul that had died years before."

i guess i just wonder sometimes what i am really fighting for..what i am alive for...and why all my plans from before never managed to become anything..i dont want to die you know..but sometimes i guess i just find the idea appealing...and i just want a break from life...to just get away...to leave for a while...

no i dont know whats going on at all...