anxiety, fear, cutting...urges..

today it all fell into place in a way..the anxiety..the fear.. the uncertainties...i want the release..i want the calm emptiness that comes from cutting...i want the calmness...the anxiety is winning..im anxious and scared and just i dont know..all day ive walked around..wondering what im doing..not able to focus ..not able to think fully...im functioning but i dont know at what level...the fears are setting in..mommy coming is causing a lot of feelings..a lot of fear and i dont know how to calm my thoughts down..i just want to do things that hurt..things that i know will work..i want to just stop my head for a while..thats all...i dont know what to do with myself...i want to sleep and cant..i changed the tv to something a little more light hearten..im writing..what else is expected of me?!? when is it ok to give in to the urges..and i am screaming bloody hells at myself for actually throwing away my last blades the other day...why did i do that?  what possessed me to do that..i want them..i need them....i dont know what i need...the fact that im not seeing t this week is suddenly loud and present in my head..i know im not seeing her..i know i cant call her..but i feel like im breaking apart..i cant deal with all of this again..i cant do it..i dont want to do it and i dont know how to make it better..i just want things to calm down..i want a break from thinking..from doing..i just want a release and i dont know how to get it..and so i just stay stuck and anxious and on edge...thats all