todays ramble

Here I am again…trying to write and get the thoughts out of my head because they are getting overwhelming..the sadness is overwhelming me..and I feel afraid…lost..and alone..i don’t know who im supposed to be reaching out too..everyone else has there own lives and own things that they have to do during the day..and no one needs me and my issues messing things up..sometimes I wonder if my stuff will ever go away or if I will still be struggling with it all years from now..theres always the chance that I will kill myself some how..and that doesn’t even worry me…well I guess that’s one of those things ive accepted..ican accept that but I cant seem to accept anything else…I guess that makes me incredibly messed up..and I guess that makes my feelings of running out of time.probably very accurate and bothersome..i feel stuck and im not sure what I want to do anymore…im back on the edge and wondering I fi just need to step back or go over..i don’t know anything…and so many questions are in my head right now about my supervisor…she in not so many words told me that she used to cut..and that she hasn’t done it in 3 years…and that gave me a glimmer of hope..and that glimmer of hope was quickly overshadowed by the fact that my supervisor now knows and that I told her..and I guess im feeling vulnerable…I am forcing myself not to message her because I don’t know what I want to ask her..i want to know how she stopped..what it took…but im afraid of overstepping boundaries..and I realize that in conversating with her..we do have some fairly honest and straightforward conversations..and well gee ive had her analyze my dreams and all there craziness for hecks sake…but with this I am afraid..she gave me a lot of info..worksheets and dbt stuff..that I need to print out so that I will have more copies of it..but still im afraid…I don’t think the conversation is over completely..and because im feeling so afraid and vulnerable my walls are very much in place..and its like no saying anything..and so I am just thinking and wondering and worrying…so much worry..i had to ask her again that everything we talked about was confidential..and got that reassurance at least..but still the worry is there..and im trying so hard to keep my job…I am trying hard to just manage..and it seems like the harder I try the more my head gets away from me…im sad…very very sad… I wonder who is stupposed to protect me..who is supposed to keep me safe..but I was so mad that other people felt the need to protect me..somehow I still come across as just broken to some people..i don’t know..i do feel broken..i feel messed up..and lost in the maze of cruelness that is my head..i want to cut ok..thats what I want to do..and im mad at myself for throwing away what I used the other morning..i am ..  I don’t know what im feeling and I don’t want to deal with it…I want it to go away and leave me alone..i want to feel empty..nothing..may as well just lock me in a small dark place and forget about me..thats the feeling I want..