my head is full of information and things that i would rather not think about...ive been wasting time in the library and just reading and being online...nothing thrilling...checked my bank account and i have a whooping 5 bucks to my name..and i was pretty excited lol..geez im pathetic..
i saw linda today..and i talked to much for my own comfort...the need to punish myself is a little overwhelming right now..and im just trying to sort out what it is i need to do..i have the distractions and stuff i talked about with linda..and then i have the annoying stupid worksheets that i got from my supervisor...well for now im writing you know..but i keep thinking about the self soothing thing that i looked over and that makes me feel like im 5..and trying to figure out if its worth it...i mean im sitting here and getting more and more anxious about everything..and i can tell im anxious because i dont want to sit still any more..i want to get up and walk and do something..but still the need to just kinda stay put is winning out for right now..ill prolly write this and then leave and go home..well gotta run to the store and then going home...
i think its just all i talked about with linda today..stuff i had never wanted to tell anyone...stuff that really makes me think im crazy and makes me feel crazy..things that make total sense in my head..but when i say it out loud i can hear the absurdness of it..and i wonder how in the hell any of it makes sense...my belief ssystem is so screwed up..and where i believe i am bad and a nobody and invisible..linda doesnt...linda told me that she wishes i was nicer to myself..that i judge to harshly..and for the record no i would never treat another person the way i treat myself...never :(...but still i treat myself horribly..and i judge myself horribly...i am horrible and cruel and mean and spiteful and well you get the picture..i am not nice to myself at all..i am nice to other people..and then i go and look in the mirror and i just see everything i hate..and i cant like myself or be nice to myself or give myself a break..and i know i am just driving myself closer and closer to whatever edge i seem to be stuck on...i cant live up to my expectations..i have to be perfect...appear perfect...i have to just be more than me..because im not good enough...linda said i need to be honest about my beliefs and thinking and stuff..or i think thats what she said..and im trying to be honest right now..and being honest is making me feel even worse..because i honestly dont like myself....on a good day i can tolerate myself..and thats about all..
i have such a headache right now..theres so much pressure in my head and its not getting out and i dont know how to get it to stop..and i keep feeling the need to just get stuff out of my head..and just write it all down or say it all or do something..anything to make the pressure stop...see the problem with all the talking i did today with linda is that it wakes up old stuff..i remember old stuff..and i dont want to remember..and then my anxiety goes up and through the roof and i start to feel out of control all over again..and the urge to cut or to hurt starts up again and im trying ok...im trying not to think about the stupid razor i have at home...or how easy it is to break those things apart to get to the blades..i just need a little bit of relief ..is that so much to ask..i want to be able to push my secrets away..to bury them where they cant be found or used against me...because that how mommy works..she would find something out..discover something i had done and then do everything in her power to use it against me..i always feel like i have to be so careful with what i say...i wonder if what i say can get me in trouble..can be used against me..i cant comfortably say the first thing on my mind..or the second or thrid thing..by the time im done editing it all down in my head ..i dont have anything left to say..today with linda was an accident..i didnt mean to say so much..to talk about so much and to talk about so many feelings..and thoughts..i didnt mean to tell her that i deserve to die..or about how i felt like i have two sets of parents who dont want me...thoughts i have grown up with..thoughts that make sense to me..in all of there wrongness they make sense to me..
i need to calm down...and chill out...im out of trazadone until friday and that is really very sucky..but ill manage
god i wish i could just turn off my head for a while..just a little while...
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