I guess I need to write..maybe im just confused about everything lately and have no real idea about what happened last week…the problem is that I do remember what happened … kind of…its like it happened to someone else..someone who isn’t me…im fine..i feel fine..im not suicidal..im not wanting to cut..my mood is fairly stable the past like 2 or 3 days or something…but I know that for 2 days I was suicidal..i was very suicidal, and unsafe with myself..i was unstable..out of control..however you want to describe I was completely out of my mind…I mean I got to the point of feeling like I was going to either have to call linda or take myself to the hospital because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do..given I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital without a lot of other stuff happening..but I know I would not have voluntarily walk into the hospital and just say ‘hey I want to kill myself..so help me’..i cant see that happening ..and yes I was suicidal but I guess this time I cant say that something wouldn’t have happened because I don’t know..i wanted blades but didn’t let myself buy them…but even without them im sure I thought of other ways to die..i really don’t know what was going on..i just felt so alone..so out of it…so completely on edge and invisible…and I know now that feeling invisible is a huge trigger for me..and I know that I need to have a set plan or something in place if that happens again..a plan to keep safe of course…because I cant ..because I forget what to do to stay safe when im like that..i forget everything that makes sense pretty much when I am like that..and its not good..but then when im feeling fine again..its like those bad days didn’t happen..and that there is no point in making any list or making plans for the next time..i don’t want there to be a next time … but then ill just forget about it anyway…the last time something like this happened was before I moved to heathers..last summer and all of that..when I was really going downhill fast..except it lasted longer I think than a couple days…but that was the other time when things were really bad and when I got out of it I forgot about it..i wasn’t able to connect to the feelings..i couldn’t connect to the thoughts..or emotions..heck I couldn’t even believe I could feel that badly…that hopeless..that ready to die…but I can..and it happens every so often…I guess it would be helpful if I could keep track of the times when I am emotionally unable to handle anything else..i know there have been other times but I don’t remember them…I know of the one that just happened and the one from the summer..but even those just feel like stories that I have been told about someone…its something that I haven’t actually experienced when I have…it was me..i know because I glanced back over what I wrote..because I saw it, and read it..and its in my blog so I know it came from me…but at the same time it just feels so alien..i don’t know..maybe I was expecting this to happen you know..i was afraid of being alone..and well I freaked..i flipped completely out and I felt alone..i was alone..and I couldn’t handle it…and it happened and now it feels like it was a million years ago and im fine now and able to manage again..yeah I worked a little harder to get out of the house because I knew I was isolating and making it worse..the feeling were so overwhelming and consuming..and its so hard to explain how I let myself get like that..and I don’t know how it stopped..i just woke up and it was over..i felt better…calmer..more in control..and I don’t know what changed or what really caused the change..i don’t and its so confusing and I hate feeling confused..i cant figure myself out anymore..and I just try to get through the day without freaking out..and I try to stay positive when I really just want to go somewhere and die or go and run away and hide..and just ignore everything..im supposed to be working on staying present and I don’t want to..i don’t want to be present when all I want to do is die..or cut..or something else that just hurts…or maybe I do want the pain because that I know is real …I watched a video a couple weeks ago I guess and there was a very graphic scene involving cutting it..and it was a trigger..a big trigger..i was afraid I would give in to the urge..i wanted to give in to the urge..i wanted to just cut and be done with it..last week I wanted to cut and well die I guess..how is it possible to even what to die one day..and to not care another..i don’t think I want to die though..i just want a break..from life..the whole idea is rather funny because I consider my life to be very boring and dull and yet I want a break from it…sometimes I cant deal with my life..i cant deal with my thoughts..my feelings..my emotions…sometimes the hate I feel towards myself is so very overpowering…sometimes I don’t know how to keep myself alive when its like my whole goal is to manage to kill myself…I am afraid for myself..im afraid of myself…and then I get caught up in proving I am in control of myself..that I don’t need help from anyone..that I am fine..and I think that if I can convince everyone else im fine then no one will be able to stop me from killing myself…how is that for messed up..and I really don’t think ive thought about that particular thing in a long time…its like I have to protect everyone else from really finding out what I am doing or planning…and I guess my plan changes every so often but the outcome is still the same..in the end I have managed to die..either on purpose or by accident.. why am even writing all of this down…I don’t know what I want..or who I am..what I am..whatever…I got so good at pretending that im afraid ill never be able to stop..im afraid ill never be able to know who I am…but then I don’t like myself and I guess I wonder what the point is..i wonder what im supposed to be doing … I wonder if ill ever get around to actually helping myself..its stupid I guess..that I cant help myself..but I want to help everyone else.. I need to help everyone else because that’s all I have to measure my self worth…but I still feel like I am dying…much slower than before since im no longer cutting..but I am still dying..its feels like im just managing until I figure out how ..to do whatever it is that I am wanting to do…is it bad of me..to think of dying so much? To want to die so much? Maybe some of the weight of all of this would be taken off if you would just talk about it you know..instead of pretending that things are ok and fine…how is it so easy to forget that all the years of being quiet has gotten you nothing…but again talking about all of this just makes me feel like doing something stupid or over medicating so I don’t have to deal with myself…I cant talk about it..i cant even force myself to talk about it..i cant say what happened..i wish that it was possible for linda to just read what was in my head without me having to say anything…but again that may not be safe..my heads not even safe for me..im not sure I would voluntarily invite someone else into my head…my head is crowded enough as it is…but well I guess its time to stop writing this…I have to work on work stuff..fun…hmm yeah guess that’s all I have to say for now..
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