what is happening to me?

it has been a while since ive felt this suicidal..this bad...this close to cutting just to give myself a break....im wearing myself out trying to stay stable and sane..and well to put it nicely it is not working at all...i feel invisible and that is a big big trigger for me...because i start to wonder what i need to do inorder to prove that i am still alive..that i am still functioning and making it through the day..and that i am still here..i wonder what the point of all of this is and why im even bothering..i feel empty..im a nobody a waste of space...and the thought of just dying and being done with it all is very appealing to me right now...i want to cut and i keep thinking about the knives at home..i dont have any blades anymore and im not allowing myself to go to the store because i know i will get some and then use them...i wonder if i need to call linda and i wont allow myself even that..because somewhere in my head im being yelled at and told to suffer..isnt it nice..when even your own head is against you...i feel sad and lost and alone...loneliness has been really bad ..is really bad right now...and i dont know what to do to make it go away..i dont know how to make it better for myself right now..i really dont...how much longer to the bottom of what ever it is i am having to deal with because i just want to get there and be done with it...right if i get to the bottom then all thats left is going back up..well darn it i just want to level out..i would be very happy to just reach a neutral zone...and figure out what in the world is going on...the problem is i dont know why im feeling so badly..maybe i dont want to know why..maybe im just so screwed up that its logical that i would fall apart now..i mean all the long months of holding it together and getting by ..and its like well ive reached the end and now its time to fall apart...im not allowed to fall apart living with someone else..im not allowed to fall apart at work..or at home or anywhere really...i guess..and then i end up in my apartment and alone for the first time in months..and its like ok grace period is over..let the real stuff go on and happen now...and its like all that is been trapped and all that i refused to let out or acknowledge or deal with is all coming out now..and it is overwhelming..and scary..because i dont trust myself to stay safe...i dont trust myself at all and i worry about what i will do...i worry about forgetting or not remembering something ive done and it turns into a bad bad situation...i have to check and recheck my meds in the morning to remind myself that i am taking them..because i forget..and dont remember what im doing anymore..i remind myself to go to work and then forget and am late more often than not..well that and most of the time lately i dont want to go to work anyway..i want to hide or run away..or forget that im alive and just sleep ..i want to just sleeo forever and never have to talk to anyone or deal with anything...i want to forget i exist the way it feels like everyone else has done....i feel invisible..and completely alone...and that is never a good thing for me...its just not because it leads to things that i dont want to do but feel i have to...i have to remind myself that im alive and that involves constant pain or making myself suffer..or just doing stupid things....and then..i just end up more messed up than before... sometimes it just feels like there is no hope left for me ..and i should just give up now and save myself the trouble of giving up later on...