thinking

as usual after my wonderful doc days i have fifty million thoughts in my head...some make sense but most of them are just random things like reminding myself i have to do laundry and things like that...right now the thing that is bothering me most is that i dont want to give up cutting completely and im pretty sure promising to stop every other self destructive thing wouldnt matter...i hate that this is one of those things that i have to decide on by myself and no one can help with..once i decide then there is help but until then there isnt much anyone can do for me. i can safely say i dont like that at all why do i get stuck with all the hard decisions all the same i wait until after i leave to come up with goals but that is ok ill tell her the next time i go back...the good part of today is that i tried really really hard to talk and i did even if i think i sound like such a dork talking period..and i even managed to explain a dream that i thought was weird but wasnt really in some interesting higher i have to look at it from a completely different point of view to understand it way lol..given after it was explained and everything i did understand it alot better but i cant believe one little dream has that much meaning! but then when things come to me i shouldnt be surprised anymore thats for sure...now i understand at least that i wont be able to fix anything if i dont start dealing with all the old stuff, all the stupid little things i have forgotten that i need to remember and admit. no matter how hard i try to forget it will always be there demanding to be noticed. its like i have to resign myself to it in order to even being to face any of it. maybe once i do all of that i will be able to stop the s/i but for now ill work on the little things like remembering to take care of myself on a daily basis...eat on reg basis, stop taking meds for the heck of taking them and tthen not taking them when i should so on and so forth. if i thought about all the little things i dont do it would add up to equal one big thing i guess...but still with all of that comes talking and that just scares me way to much to even try to dwell on right now.. i dont know the dream thing is just so interesting and right now im so annoyed at my head for even thinking up the other two ...the one i talked about today was common ground but talking about it seriously made me want to know what the other two ment..i dont want to talk about the other two because they still scare me and i dont understand them and that worries me...maybe ill write it down and let her read it but ill have to think something up by next week.

now that im done with the depressing stuff for the day ill move on

im going out iwth alexis and yvonne again today and we are going to the movies to see narnia and that i cant wait for. i love that movie so so so much hence ive seen it 3 times...i ate lunch but i really want popcorn lol..i think omvie theatre popcorn is one of my fav foods. seriously.. classes start tomorrow for the school but i dont have anything to do until tuesday and then ill be so busy i wont know what to do with myself..until today i didnt realize i havent done anything for myself about my grades and maybe i should..maybe ill buy myself a new movie or something today when we go out..but anyway just errrands to run tomorrow i think and checking on things for my internet class and cleaning up my junk laying all over the place..nothing to thrilling to tell