not understanding...

me and my quest for answers is just gonna get me in trouble...ive wasted today more than i have any other day this week..ive dont nothing remotly productive except hang up all the clothes i had lying around my room..and then i just wasted time..wanting to do something but not knowing what..i made bread..i cant believe i was bored enough to make bread but pounding on bread dough has its appealing points to it..kinda fun to but it turned out a lot better this time than it did the first time..i mixed white and wheat flour and left out some of the salt..so yea much better..maybe im not such a screw up..i talked to jenny earlier to and she does always make me feel better...hence she has bunches of pictures that she sends me to make me smile...so that lifted my depression for a while but now its back...when i woke up this morning feeling so sore i promised i wouldnt pujrge..i did everything rigght and i didnt for most of the day..and then i made dinner because i considered i prolly needed to get like a normal person and so i cooked something and cal wise it wasnt bad at all but as i was just standing there looking for something to drink i knew i was going to go throw up...i did but thats not what bothers me because its like ive thought about it enough between then and now and its like an acceptance on my part in a weird way...maybe i need to accept it to let go of some of the guilt and shame of doing it..or maybe its just a way to convince myself that what im doing is ok...either way there is something wrong with all of it...still thats not even what i was thinkingabout when i started writing...ramdonly looking through my older posts on here i realize that im horrible at going back and editting this thing and i have tons of mistakes and misspelled words all over the place...im a slacker and should be killed but anyway..to bad since i dont really care about my spelling..i know what im talking about and i guess that will have to be enough for now..ive gotten better at typing without looking at the keys..a hard won feat at that good grief..and im so off topic ..uummmm *deep breath* i was talking it over with someone today kind of and i said that when yvonne isnt here for a weekend i can wear shorts and that i dont wear shorts anymore because of the scars on my legs...and she asked if it was because i had a problem with them or if i was worried about the reaction..and ive thought about it before but having someone ask me is like being slapped in the face with the obvious..but still i had to stop and think..im still thinking..am i ashamed of my scars? well yea if i make it a point to wear pants and my jacket as much as humanly possible but im afraid of how other people would see me also..i mean its not like they are easy to explain away..and i could say the cat did it like mommy did over new years when i was asked about them but i love dusti and i know she didnt do it and i know that if someone believed she did they would question why i even keep her if she is hurting me right...so i wouldnt do that and they are to straight and to neat to make anyone belive any other excuse i could come up with...but then its harder to imagine them believing the truth..mommy doesnt even believe the truth..talk about being validated..i might do some stupid things but i would be hard pressed to just sit there and let someone cut me more than once....who would believe that i did it? really..me the person who can be so quiet at any given time that i could essentially disappear..the person who never has anything bad or mean to say about anyone...heck yvonne knows exactly what to say to make me so embarrased i dont know what to do with myself and its funny but in a horribly sad way...not that im saying i want to go out and sleep with someone no..but just that ive lived with yvonne for a year now and only once has my dating status come up and that was a couple weeks ago...i never talk about it because its no big deal and no one asks me about it i guess because i dont bring it up but that is so not anything i want to talk about anyway because i dont know but thats for another night or something...anyway yea somehow i have pulled this completely innocent image from somewhere and i dont even know how i got it...given i am seriously lacking in social skills for my age and i know that but good grief you would think i was 10 at times..hmmm so how could i do that to myself? more importantly how could i explain doing that to myself? im pretty sure no one would understand the huge need to punish myself for things i dont even remember doing but i must have done something to feel that need..or that i just dont happen to like myself and i have to be reminded all the time about how much i suck...so much for self image there...there are just so many parts to it..some im aware of and some im not but i guess that doesnt make sense either...so to make a long story short, i like wearing shorts and knowing the reasons why i cant does make me sad and makes me feel incredibly alone but at the same time i know my scars have become a part of me...a comfort of sorts..true sometimes i dont like them and can harldy believe i did all of them but at the same time i know what it took to do all of them in vauge far off details...im being cryptic tonight....now for the other part i guess the question came up today about the choices that come with ed's since i loathe to say it...*choke hack blah blah blah* being bulimic has a lot of down points..leading to health problems etc etc...most of which i know and fully understand but when it comes right down to it..what would my choice be? when i read the question i had every intention of telling her that it would be ok because i wanted to make her feel better...but thinking about it i know that it cant be ok..not when we are playing with serious stuff here...not like this..as much as i want to say ill take the health problems and keep the ed but i know somewhere in myself that i dont really want that..i cant want that ..can i? that would be so so wrong to me but then i guard my ed like its sacred...like somehow i can find a way to make it ok as long as im careful and as long as i keep very strict control over it...as long as no one finds out about it then its ok..because if no one knows then i dont have to admit any of it..i can still eat normally and be ok...its just lately i think that control is starting to slip..its becoming a really big obession in a way ive never had to ddeal with and im not sure i know what made it change..suddenly i have to do it, suddenly there is no choice its do it or suffer and die..some how i made myself realize its not a game anymore..but then i have to wonder if im ready to die? and when i think of that i have to think of everything i want to do..but i cant look for the future when i hate the present so much..i dont know what will happen and as much as i want to know i cant figure it out...right now i want to graduate but after that who knows..maybe by then things will change and ill have something to look forward to but for now its the day to day thing...as long as i wake up in the morning wthout wishing for death ill be ok enough to make it through the day..not that it matters much since i spend most of my days alone..just htinking about everything, looking for answers that i cant find anywhere...asking questions that no one can answer..its not enough..it shouldnt have to be like this but it is..so what am i to do now? want until its serious enough to get me in a heck of a lot of trouble or stop...stop all of it and go from there...but thinking about seriously stopping makes me sad..its makes me want to just run from all of it and forget everything...that would could as not being in reality anymore and where would that get me? more lost than i am now and way more confused..i cant stop...i cant stop without knowing what will happen and no one can tell me..and i dont like that..thats like putting myself in a situation im not sure i can get out of and who knows maybe then i would find the strength to somehow make it all go away but that wouldnt be good...yea sure me yvonne and alexis joke about going to hell all the time and its funny but sometimes i could swear i will end up going to hell for something or other but that is where i will be..the confusing part being im not a really religious person..im not sure i believe in god at all but i believe in heaven and hell..i have to for my sisters sake so that i have just a little bit of peace knowing that she isnt lost somewhere and hurting..but anyway im jumping topics now ..

i spelt last night...yes it was a nice drug induced sleep but nonetheless i spelt all night...no dreams, no thinking just a dead empty sleep until morning...i know i cant do it often because me and addictive things dont need to get to friendly but until i get my bear back im not surei have much of a choice...weird i guess ...