backtracking....friday was a horrible day, fin aid came in and things didnt go as expected so mommy is pissed to hell with me in a sense and spent an hour yelling at me on the phone and trying to tell me what to do to make sure she got what i promised to give her..that was the main thing..and nothing else matered but it didnt work out like that and so now tomorrow i have to go pull more money out and go to the bank and put it in and i swear if my acct gets over drawn because she cant wait one stupid day ill just scream or something...its stupid i was telling yvonne how i had to give my fin aid to mommy and she and alexis were just like 'why?' and of course i couldnt really answer because i dont know..because its just expected of me and she makes it impossible for me to say no and not feel like walking into traffic..so she gets it regardless...some of it she swears to pay back but most of it is just gone and i hate that because im worried it will go back to like it was last semester and if i have to listen to her complain and make it all one sided about how she has given me so much money...when its her fault she had to give it to me..she borrows and borrows and makes promises she doesnt keep and then im stuck without a way to get anything paid and then seh wants to complain and make me feel bad because she doesnt have money..well its not my fault regardless of what i do with my money it isnt and right now i can understand that but whos to say an hour from now i wont be thinking about it and blaming that whole freaking argument on something i did or something i could have done and just made the whole thing a lot worse than it was..but that was a really bad argument and for a while i was feeling really bad and not caring and hmmm oh well..jenny tried hard to make me see how it wasnt my fault and ill thank her for that but maybe im just to good at blaming myself...i dont know ...so anyway didnt mean to write all that...but back to it then..i really wanted to cut yesterday, why i dont know or remember now b ut i did and i purged instead and didnt cut but hmm just to many arguments lately with me ending up wrong and stupid...
so
today has been fun and i had forgotten how much i liked hanging out with yvonne. although i am still feeling jealous over the boyfriend thing but im trying not to be...this morning i had a weird cleaning streak and i was nervous and feeling weird but i dont know why you would have thought mommy waas coming up today and i knew she wasnt. so i cleaned this morning and i didnt even start laundry like i planned to but ill get that done sometime this week. yvonnes mom and grandmother came up today though and when her mom comes it is always fun. her grandmother is like my mom though kinda and she does put a dmaper on things but oh well i got through it. we went shopping and out to dinner and i got to pick the resturant and so we went to ruby tuesdays because they have really good veggie burgers and of course yvonne and i got dessert first :) that is really so much fun and that is why my dinner is sitting in the fridge right now lol. but getting dessert first really makes going out to dinner so much fun and it was this huge cake and ice cream and mousse and cookie deal and it was chocolate and it was so so so good..it was the first time i had one of those and sharing it with yvonne worked out so i didnt like eat this huge death by chocolate thing by myself. and we went to the toe store and yvonne made me stop breathing doing parts of movies i like and i made her stop breathing when we played marry, date, or dump when we got home :) it is fun still managing to surprise her and at the oddest times but i won the game by one point. yay me. purged yesterday though and then turned around and ate way to much. we made a heart shaped brownie yesterday and i got yvonne hooked on a new song that i liked first and its a country song but the guy who sings it is from louisiana and yvonne has family there and she recongized a lot more than i did in the video and so now ive heard the song a million times but its ok..my extremly weird and wide tastes in music do pay off at times. but i did order my books last night and im trying not to start slacking off so early with classes lol..i prolly wont have any books until the end of this week but that will be ok im hoping. since im going to campus tomorrow with yvonne i have to get to bed but just wanted to write some since my head has a tendency to fill up rather easily!
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