tell me

after started writing earlier and then stopped because i couldnt find the words to say what i was thinking about and now i sstill dont know them but i have the huge urge to just write and leave it alone...if i yelled at myself for the rest of myself i dont think i would ever be completely comfortable having and dealing with my emotions...i dont like them i dont want them i dont want to feel them at all and i try hard ignore all of them... but that all has to change if i like it or not that has to change...good grief im 22 and i couldnt even begin to explain how i feel anything and that is not good...it cant be...but does that count stopping as my little conveyor belt of emotions...i heard that today and it is funny but not in a bad way since it makes sense...but anyway im not sure i know anyway..i dont know what im blocking out anymore...i hate thinking, because i just think about the same stuipd stuff without getting anywhere, and that makes me wonder why i cant figure myself out...there was a speaker at the nami meeting on thursday and he said that if you dont know who you are then you have a lot of work to do...i dont know who i am? i cant even begin to know how i am and im not really sure i even want to know who i am anymore..why do i have to know? why cant everyone just let me be who i can pretend to be...i dont know why everyone is so dead set on helping me..do i want help or do i just want to do what im supposed to do?before i couldnt even answer that at all but i do know i want to deal with stuff im just not sure i want to stop all of it..good and bad of it works if i ignore the bad long enough but really soon it will stop working and then wehere will i be? more lost than i am now and more alone to prolly...does it make me horrible to know i dont really want to stop? but that changes every other day, bad and good, stop vs not stopping...why do i have to figure all of this out? but thinking of that would just lead me right back to my ever so wonderful doc and as weird as it is...i can figure out things at the oddest times that have no relevenance what so ever to what we are talking about and suddenly its like oh wow i do know what that means..she makes me think about stuff i try to ignore and some of it happens like days later after ive thought it into another time period...and i know what it will take to figure out why i want to stop and i havent gotten there yet, right now i still have the comfort of knowing i would never ever seriously kill myself..but once that changes i know i know that it will be choose or die..and as good and nice and convient as that idea seems at times..it cant happen...if nothing else dusti needs me...im the only one who will take care of her...dusti is the only one to share my bed affter harris...weird i guess but im not big on sharing beds...anyway im rambling and losing my train of thought completely...oh now i remember...i asked about shame and guilt today and i still havent gotten an answer i like...i dont know why and i dont even know what answer im looking for but i just know i havent heard it yet...but oh well guess ill keep looking and now im done for now anyway