my head hates me

i ment to writee yesterday, actually i really ment to write sunday night and didnt and now ive forgotten why, most likely i just got really sidetracked and yesterday i was a little afraid to sit still for to long...so whats been going on umm i dont know really a lot of small stuff...yvonne surprised me and alexis with a cake and cards on sunday to just say thanks for being well just being us pretty much and it was really nice and me and yvonne went out to lunch and played who can find the sappiest vday card at the drug store..for the record there are some horrible cards out there but it is fun laughing at them when i know ill never ever shop for them! so umm that was sunday pretty much..yesterday was busy i went shopping for a new shirt and ended up going out to dinner and more shopping and i got a book full of disney stickers from alexis and alexis actually told me yesterday that i was going into the right field..surprised me but i guess it was nice surprise since when she told me i was a million miles away thinking of if i had to go home or not...i was talking to harris yesterday once again i didnt call to speak to him personally but i like talking to him so it wasnt a bad thing or anything..and he talked to me about his homework and i gave him some ideas for it and of course he asked when i was coming home and i didnt have an answer for him and i asked him when he thought i should come home and he wanted me to come home today...and i was expecting him to ask for the weekend but he wanted me home like now and in a way it does make me feel wanted but at the same time i dont want to go home at all because that would mean i would have to deal with mommy and i dont want to do that right now..to much other stuff going on and so i told him i would try for the weekend but i cant because i have work to do and i dont know when ill actually make it home..that and i find out yet again that dee is wondering why i dont want to babysit anymore...god as if practicly living at there house anymore isnt good enough>? what does she want from me? im sorry if hanging out over there just isnt that much fun anymore, yea i get paid for it and the money is good and really easy when i want to put up with it and when im there i dont have a problem staying but good grief just leave it alone and stop trying to figure me out! if you dont want me to babysit then fine ok im to old to be just babysitting all the time, yea i need a job and i know that but i hate to break it to you but you arent gonna be my main source of income so just give it a break..that and no one freaking sees fit to come right out and ask me and then i hear it from mommy and have to lsiten to how much i have a bad attitude and how i need to be more grateful...ok fine i dont care that much its just money really...if it comes down to it i guess it doesnt matter..im to good of a babysitter for dee to just be like no you cant babysit anymore and riley and harris like me to much to let that happen...besides they arent small kids anymore and most of the time they arent even there its not like a huge deal...its just hearing from mommy how sucky i am doesnt make me feel any better..and then its like ok fine im a horrible person and you are telling me this because you dont care what i do? well if this is you not caring i would hate to see how you would start acting if you did care? whats the point in making me feel horrible for no good reason..so yesterday i spent most of my time trying to talk myself out of agreeing to go home when i didnt want to and i still feel guilty about it..more so because i was specifically asked for and i dont want to put up with mommy...it sucks that she gets in the way of me going home..but the more i tried to be ok with not going home because i didnt want to the more i worried i was being a bad person for not wanting to go in the first palce..i just cant get over the fact that i dont want to go home, home is home and i should want to go there and be ther ebut i dont..going home and knowing im going home or that i have to go home just makes me scared and suicidal..not a good combination with tons of heavy meds around the house from mommies surgeries...to much of a temptation...i dont even know why i cant let myself be ok with not going home, even yvonne says she wouldnt go home if she didnt want to and that is just so far fetched for me it doesnt make sense at all...it just confuses me and i still up being the bad person?! i dont get it..besides that bothering me im stressed out over my interview tomorrow and its to the point where just thinking about it and knowing i have to do it makes me want to cry and not show up...i talked to prof dunn yesterday for a little while and she tried to make me feel better about it but she didnt not really..everyone says relax and be myself and i just want to yell because i dont know how to be myself..relaxing comes and goes depending on how far i want to go to get relaxed...i dont want to cut and i tried to today but it didnt work out and i stopped and it bothered me a little because i really really wanted to and what i did just didnt work because what i was using was dull and wouldnt do anything for me...so i stopped but now i havent been paying attention in any of my classes my thoughts are so far away...i keep thinking of the worst thing that could happen and its hard explaining to anyway that i am really afraid to be told i wont be able to do my field at all because they think im not ready for it...but then that just makes me wonder why they would decide that and why i dont want it to happen..the first and foremost being i would have to turn around and tell mommy im really not graduating on time and the reasons behind it..i dont know what would happen but it wouldnt be good and once again i would tbe the screw up awho cant do anything right and then i really wouldnt know what to do..funny i dont think about all the good things that could happen..im just to convinced it will be horrible and i dont even think ive ever done a real interview..im afraid to stay home by myself tomorrow...i dont want to leave early but for safeties sake i might have to...i wont relax at home and being home by myself would leave me way to accesible to things i am working at not doing...i havent decicded yet..i dont know what i will do but ill have to figure it all out between now and 1 tomorrow...i just dont want to think anymore..i want to just go to bed and not get up again