today is just one of those days i would rather disappeared from my memory, maybe that is why so much of my head is mixing with things from long ago, i just wished it hard enough and they all went away..probably not possible and all but a nice thought..if it was that easy hmm i dont know i guess if it was that easy to make them go away it would be just as easy to make them come back and thats all the trouble, making them come back...that little spill wasnt even the main thing that was on my mind anyway...society has its views and i should know better than to get trapped in them, good grief i should..im gonna be a social worker for hecks sake and im just a hypocrite..given enough time i can make every last thing i do ok and if i have to rationalize it in the first place i shouldnt do it at all...maybe thats my problem i keep trying to make everything ok because im supposed to because i know on some level it is wrong and a bit dangerous but i havent gotten to believing it yet...so i sit here trying to collect my thoughts while at the same time trying to get my stomcah to not be so mad at me anymore..once again after spending yesterday sleeping because i was feeling so sick i couldnt do anything else to make it go away you would think i would realize that purging in itself isnt great but i ignore that and forget once it stops hurting and i can sit up with feeling like im going to just throw up all over everything...im purging to much again and i know that and im slightly worried i dont care enough right now to bother stopping...eventually i will again but until that happens what then? will i keep it up until it hurts to breathe again or until im worried that throwing up will become automatic and it wont matter if i eat or not because it would just come back up...one for the other i guess..always one for the other..
anyway before all that happened again and i had to start thinking about it again ..i found out another friend is possibly heading for the hospital...one of two reasons for her trip to the er and i know both of them and that does not make me feel better...in a way she had warned me it might be happening and i was scared for her..even more than what i was dealing with i was scared for her..but i know that maybe that is what she needs to start working on things...i tell her to go if it will help but she doesnt have much choice in the matter ... and i was thinking about it today and i wonder when it will be me telling someone i have to go to the hospital? when am i going to let things go so far that i will have to be in the hospital to begin working things out...thats why i asked my doc about it..and she wont put me in the hospital as a reason to get me to stop cutting and i know that if i wanted to i would find a way regardless but still..i asked for my friend because i didnt think it was fair what her doctors were doing but who am i? im losing people to hospitals left and right and that does scare me seriously it scares me almost more than anything thing i do...the places i go to online and the people i meet and every so often i get to know someone who ends up in the hospital or someone dies or someone just disappears...and when that happens i swear i hope they get better and find happiness but when someone dies from an ed or tries suicide and it works or even doesnt work its like why...but i know why and that makes it hurt more because when someone is feeling like that or even when i am the last thing i want to think about is what will happen afterwards, what will happen and what the people i leave behind will go through because at the moment i dont care...i dont want to care because that might make me stop and not do it...if im writing this obviously i havent done it but still point made i guess...but with the ed and si boards i know that every day there is a chance i will find out someone ahs died and what happens then? why isnt that enough to make me stop or at least realize i should work hard to stop and to be healthy and as complete as i can get...but it doesnt happen, its like we all know that we are staring death in the face and yet for some rason it doesnt come after us...we can get by long enough that it doesnt matter..in a way we are all dying, one way or another we are but taking ourselves into making it ok is just another lie..the other day i was told that living outside of reality is just another lie we tell ourselves to get by...gosh i would hope that no one i ever met either in person or on line wouold ever just go away for one reason or another but it has happened..one to many times and ive lost people that i wont ever hear from again, remembering all they helped me deal with isnt enough becuase when they really needed me i wasnt anywhere to be found....for that alone i shouldnt pledge my life to help anyone else when i suck so horribly at it...the times i tried dont really matter do they? when i find out someone is in the hospital..the someone i talked to possibly the night before and who i told over and over to go to the hospital if they needed toom or the person who has talked me into calling my doc more than once when i couldnt decide if i wanted to make the call because i was so scared and lost somewhere in my head...and somehow against everything i wanted to do i managed and they didnt and now im left with no real idea what happened to her...no i havent forgotten her and i still miss her but i also know i will prolly never see her again...and now it will happen again..what will i do
