lots of thinking lately..and thats saying a heck of a lot because im always thinking about something..its like my day isnt complete if i dont completely tear apart some issue and figure out nothing..stupid i guess but hmm yea i spend a lot of time thinking about e verything possible..lately its all about stuff i half talk about with my doc...it is funny that well i cant get away with much with her..not that im really trying to its just a habit..but i learned a long time ago she has no problem just sitting there if i dont want to say anything...i dont like having to start talking but im getting a little better at it, very very slowly and i jump topics really fast...my mind just wonders all over the place when im there some of it relevant and some of it not but focusing becomes a huge hassle when im way off in left field thinking about something that doesnt even make sense...but anyway i thnk i do it when im writing too lol..so ive been thinking about acceptance well still thinking about it because i havent figured it all out yet...i wont stop until i figure it out..and i just dont think i like want im thinking of..first off i dont even know how i know if im accepting emotions since that seesm to be the starting place...like yesterday i was incredibly sad and feeling alone and i know that and i dont think i did anything to ignore them but i dont know if i accepted them either? but after i somehow learn to do all of that then what comes next? the more ithink about it the more i am positive i havent even started accepting any of the things i do..im still get to much guilt/shame from doing them in the first place and i dont want to accept them...accepting them would mean i know why i do it and some days i do nknow but thats like i dont want to know why i do it..and that would be a great example of not accepting stuff but its hard..i know that at somepoint i would make a complete circle and have to go back to the beginning but i didnt think it would be now...somewhere in my head im telling myself its time to finish growing up..its just hard trying to explain how i stopped in the first place..its just something i know i did, not exactly sure how or why but it just happened..like the other night i got the innocence chat from alexis and it was because i had talked to riley on the phone and he was asking about alexis becasue she was here but he didnt know her and i was talking to him but you could her and yvonne in the background and riley wanted to know who was the youongest and sometimes i do forget alexis actually is the youngest out of all three of us just like it would be hard to believe im the oldest...by yvonnes standards i am the youngest in the house..literally speaking and not age wise but i really am..but we got on who corrupted who and it got around to the fact that i still have this innocence about me..some call it innocence i just call it being extremly naive...there really is a huge part of me that is stuck in kid mode and it just comes out in little ways like i dont talk about sex at all..yvonne has me cover my ears if im in the room when she is talking about it...and it would just be as simple as m esaying no but i seriosuly dont want to hear what she is talking about...my dating status has come up only once in the whole year i have lived with yvonne and that was a few weeks ago and even then it lasted like 5 mins ..i said i didnt like anyone and that was the end of it..but if i am 22 and have never been on a real date what does that say about me? overall i dont care because guys one on one just makes me nervous but im not gonna go out and start dating either..although it does hurt my feelings when i go home and everyone swears i have this secret boyfriend somewhere..i would swear mommy still thinks i will turn up pregnant one day..considering she pretty much called me a slut when i didnt even know exactly what sex was..interestingly enough when i told my doc about the nun thing she didnt laugh and for somereason im thinking that is really important i just dont know why yet..i dont even know what i was expecting but i know that i wouldnt ever really become a nun because right now i would be considered one anyway in the whole not sleeping with one part..im not religious enough to last as a nun..i dont plan on having kids or anything so im not worried about it much but its like kinda hard to explain to anyone else...for somereason with me it never comes up if i have ever slept with anyone at all...and what happened a long time ago im not even sure happened...so anyway i prefer to stay away from everyone and i dont happen to like myself enough to deal with sosmeone else liking me...it makes it to confusing when i am forever trying to tell someone they shouldnt like me when i cant understand why they like me in the first place....anyway yea i am lacking in certain areas i guess..but at the same time having that whole non grown up part of me makes me be able to deal with kids a lot better...i like being with riley and harris even when they are completely getting on my nerves in the end i really do like them...its when we are just sitting there watching a movie and one of them sits in my lap or when harris wakes me up at 5 in the morning to get in the bed with me or when i let them help me cook or play games with them on the computer or board games or knowing that they like the movies i like..but if i suddenly grow up what would happen? come on some nights i have to have a nigghtlight because im afraid to sleep in the dark...not that i sleep much now since i left my bear at home..
wandering off..guess ill finish later on
No comments:
Post a Comment