another day

if i wasnt so tired and trying not to go tosleep i would prolly feel a bit happier.. today was pretty ok..wore pjs to work..really cute monkey ones with matching slippers..took pictures this morning with the rest of the team..i had pig tails which yvonne told me i need to wear more often..but went trick or treating in the hospital and got some really cool not candy stuff..i got a carebear puzzle! and stickers..pencils and even a bear..i gave most of it the the peds rehab just to keep but i few things i picked out..and drove to work and home and stopped for dinner..and now im home and so so tired..i keep telling myself not to start freaking out about my project..since i leave for work so early in the morning i get some extra time to myself to do stuff in the office..this morning i worked on my paper some..ill have to finish it tonight or tomorrow morning..ill have to start my presentation tomorrow at the latest so i can figure out some class activity...yvonne went to raliegh to get allen and bring him back for a halloween party..she asked if i wanted to go but im not feeling up for it..way to tired and to much work to do..allen is also going to be here this weekend...so plenty of time to make me work on my project...not really feeling up for much right now..ill be happy when im more used to the time change..im up at 6 or before and im ready for bed like now around 7..ugh its annoying really

wondering

would i be willing to move? if i got a job and the choice was to move would i do it? i dont know...there are some thing holding me in greenville and it wouldnt be fair to just leave yvonne without a roommate all of a sudden..i got an email today from linda about a program thats being done from jan to may..working with kids with aspergers..i dont know all the details yet but i think i would at least like more info on it..i would rather not stay in the cabins but we will see..and since i wanted to go back to camp anyway this kinda does work out..and after camp ends in aug i can go from there and figure out what i want to do..and i most likely i wouldnt make any moving plans until aug depending on where i was going to be working at..but i just dont know..i want to get a job but i loved being in ashville, i like camp life because it makes things go back to being incredibly basic..but this wouldnt really be camp camp..and i would get to travel just a little bit...i guess that comes with keeping your options open..maybe im a slacker for not wanting to get a real job..but if im getting paid a salary then that is a real job isnt it?

i finally went and picked up my cap and gown today...theres really like 4 weeks left in my intern..and thiking about it makes me want to cry becausae i really dont know what im going to be doing for sure after that...i dont know where ill end up going or doing...better yet how am i going to keep myself alive?! and then what will i do about dusti..yvonne said she would keep her but i feel bad leaving her for so long..becuase i would leave in jan and be gone until may and then leave again in june...not good for dusti at all

ok

acceptance stuff aside the time really needs to change back like now...i dont want to keep waking up at six in the morning and not able to go back to sleep..finally a bit sick..dont want to go to class but the career ppl are coming and so i better take my butt to class..besides rosalind always makes me smile when i see her and she yells hi from across the room..other than that i just have the usual stuff to work on today..i have to go to the bank and finsih my paper..work on my presentation...find dusti since im not really sure wheres shes sleeping at right this minute...guess im off to get ready

would it really be that easy if i just stopped fighting all of it so hard? guess that would be where the acceptence thing comes in..who told me that accepting it doesnt make it right it just does something else that i cant remember...deal with it and let it go..stop trying to change stuff or make it better when it doesnt make sense..stop being someone you arent..hmm i dont think accepting what i do makes it ok..i think i wanted it to be ok but its sitll not..accept every stupid measly thought and action and situation no matter how small..and then i think the world might just end for the heck of it...thinking about it like that makes it seem like this huge thing that really is overwhelming.. and scary

The Serenity Prayer
	God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

leave me alone

im once again left wondering what it is that makes people bad parents...i watched a movie for the second time today and the movie itself is good but the story line is hard to sit through..i really can understand the double sidedness of domestic violence...not that ive ever seen or dealt with it but ive heard enough about it and had classes on it to just understand a bit more than the basic's..in the soical work classes your told to stay open to everything regardless of if you agree with it or not and dv i dont agree with but i could work with..child abuse on the other hand i dont agree with and i cant work with..simple fact that i dont believe parents who suck majorly can change..if its already to the point that outside forces are needed to stop a parent from killing there kid then what is there to let me belive they are going to change and promises are a bunch of lies..before i came to college i wondered what it was that made everyone see mommy has this great person and i wondered what it was that i was missing...i still dont know and its not like peoples thoughts changed in the time ive been in school..some people shouldnt have kids at all and i dont know if mommy is one of those people..seems wrong even thinking it but i know its how you grow up that influences who you are as an adult and im just a little on the screwed up a lot side.. i havent watched life time seriously for a while and i guess im missing my usual scrweed up childhood movies...its just hard watching them and remembering there movies and watching a parent completely not pick the kid over the husband..worse than that both parents are in on it..another senario parent trades a kid for something they want.. i kept telling myself it was just a movie and so therefore what i was watching wasnt true and it wasnt happening..but the storyline had to come from somewhere..it prolly happens a lot too and it doesnt seem fair that kids just get the bad end of the deal more often than not...you grow up to be like your mom..i would rather be dead than to have that happen...i want to say im trying to be my own person but that wouldnt be truw..im to afraid of stuff for that to work..i would rather be told to just do something and not have to pick something for myself..but if im always letting someone else pick stuff for me i wont ever really know what i like..i dont really know what i like now...i do the things i already know wont hurt me or im used to it cas ive done it a million times..but trying new stuff isnt really on the top of my list of things to do..i just worry alot because i cant decide what i want to do..i cant decide who i am..im pretty sure mommy could tell me exactly who i was..but would i agree with her? i am tired of people always telling me what i should be doing and what i need to do..because them im a parrot and just keep saying the same things over and over..i would prolly keep at it to until someone questions why i did it in the first place and then i dont know..being questioned wasnt part of the agreement i guess..its more of a do everything that your told to do and dont question it and watch life pass you by because you dont stand out enough to be noticed...im not noticed but it hurts my feelings when im ignored..but i cant blame them since i dont make a point of making myself stand out..i should be forgotten and in most cases i am i guess..its easy to pick up on how bad you can be but it takes a lot more work to think your not..did you deserve it..any of it..i dont know anymore..at one time i was certain i did..now i just want to say i did because im used to it, not because i dont know any better because im sure i do..i just dont know how to process it i guess..maybe i just dont know anything and i should stop trying so hard to figure it out

time changed

the time moving back is weird..its gonna take forever to get used to it getting dark at like 5 again..all of my clocks have a different time right now and im not really sure which ones right..but im almost certain the computer changes time by its self..ill check the ev whenever i head back downstairs though..im still sleepy though and i think today is going to take forever to be over with

still tired

considering i woke up around 6 this morning im guessing its bedtime right about now...but i can see my floor again and my bed..only took me like 3 weeks to get around to picking all my junk up..surprising what i can find underneath a gazillion piles of clothes..id forgotten i actually had a whole bed..not cool keeping clothes on my bed well i had put them there so i would remember to hang them up like forever ago and that turned into pushing them against the wall since i never ever sleep on that side of the bed anyway..i sleep so far on the edge im surprised i dont fall out of the bed every single night..dont know why i prefer the edge to the wall but oh well..not up for analyzing anything right now..so cleaned the house today for the most part..just have to do the bathroom upstairs and vacumm my room and ill be done i think..so tomorrow i guess ill have to work on homework or something..but anyway..woke up at 6, went the grocerystore at 7 but i h ad a reason..i refused to wash all the dishes and didnt want to so i gave in and went and bought dishwasher stuff..and that turned into getting a few other things i didnt need..went and got breakfast..came home and threw up breakfast..cleaned off and on all day..cooked dinner..binged but didnt purge..finally found my floor and now im here..trying to decide if i want to go ahead and just call it a night..halloween weekend and im not doing anything..i dont have any plans and im not expecting to be invited anywhere..yvonne was supposed to be here but that changed and so shes in raliegh again..she was going to come back today but since she didnt she missed her halloween party and so im not expecting to see heragain until monday night..and much as i like the quiet of being alone im starting to feel lonely..im always by myself these days..when im not at work and when im not with yvonne im not doing anything..having a car hasnt really changed that not that im going to be running all over greenville just to stay busy..maybe ill go to a couple stores tomorrow just to give myself something to do...at least i didnt spend this weekend doing nothing completely..cleaning should be a full time job it takes so much time and energy..and because i lose interest so easily its like every other hour i remember i was cleaning and should prolly get back to it..hmm i was feeling fine earlier even with b/p but since yvonne didnt come back when she said she would im feeling useless..and i know it shouldnt matter so much since im old enough to do things by myself and everything but i dont like doing things by myself that include going out and stuff..stupid me..i keep wanting to say im alone but then i make myself remember the card yvonne gave me on friday that was really the nicest thing ive heard in forever..and i know she hasnt forgotten me and im just being selfish wanting her tp just be around more and its not fair to her im guessing..not that i tell her that..i tell her that im fine and not to worry about me even if i do spend most of my time in the apartment on the weekend..heres a bright idea..maybe if i got out more i wouldnt be so sad all the time..stupid idea cas you prolly have to want to go somewhere to actually go out..gas is to expensive to just drive around going no where...forgetting to take my vitamins again..you know i read somewhere that it takes like 4 to 6 months to build up iron if its low..and im like ok well ive barely got 2 steady months of taking the vitamins..tis gonna take forever to kick in i guess..and im sick of being so tired all the time..i dont drink coffee so its not like i have a sure fire way of getting caffeine in my system during the day..soda and chocolate dont work for me either..once im tired i just want to lay down until something gets my attention..if im busy its not so bad but if i have long periods of time doing nothing i get more tired and sleepy and much more easily distracted..its prolly not nice making excuses for behaviors either..maybe ill make more sense in the morning..but with time changing im not expecting much

sad

i went to the job fair today..i spoke without being terrified completely of the people..janet and cindy told me i looked really professional..and yvonne went out for breakfast with me..and janet told me my new resume was really good..i gave them to the people i talked too just incase and i got info and websites to go look around and fill out applications for..still the hardest part was just keeping my confidence up..my head was all over the place on my walk over there and i prolly looked completely crazy talking to myself..but it kinda kept me on track for what i had to do..but i did it and the world didnt end so it was ok..actually felt a bit better today and stayed at work all day..did zone out some but it turned out ok..its a lot of fun having cindy and janet there at the same time..

supernatural is now on and its gonna take me for ever to write this !

we went to look at wedding dresses..after i had my chocolate attack and demanded yvonne find me chocolate cake because thats what i really wanted and wouldnt just take no for an answer..and instead i got a cookie and coffee cake and was ok..but we went to look at wedding dresses...for 2 hours yvonne tried on more dresses and showed them to me and they were just so pretty..i told her shes gonna get married in a sleeveless dress because they are pretty on her..funny how fast her and allen got really reall serious and now they are talking about marriage..and im happy for them i am..and yvonne is positive im gonna be in her wedding and we have an agreement that i get a dress with sleeves in it..i was fine in the bridal store for about an hour before i started thinking that i will never be able to have a wedding dress or get married..its depressing because well not that i want to get married but i love the dresses..the ones i like anyway..i like looking at the designs and trying them on..but i cant try them on because i would never come out of the dressing room and the lady that was helping yvonne was glued to her when she was changing to help and things...i wouldnt want anyone in the dressing room with me..i couldnt have anyone in the dressing room with because i would freak big time..when yvonne just like really wanted me to try on a dress i got nervous..i didnt but for half a minute i wanted to tell her why i had such huge issues with wearing sleeveless stuff..and that moment passed and i was left with just a huge sad feeling..trying hard to come up with a way to get out of trying anything on..so of course i got really quiet and didnt say anything about any of the dresses in there..i ahd already looked at them..i had already picked out ones i liked and would have loved to try on...but i would never try them on..its not even guilt for this one..more like disappointment..sad..really really sad about things..for a while i wanted to cut.might as well finish messing up my arms and just not care..but thats gone..now i just want to go to bed ...

went to the grocery store before coming home ..spent to much money of course..i told yvonne to never ever let me go to the grocery store again..and she might remember she might not..guess it doesnt matter to much

sick and miserable...but i did manage to finish correcting my resume and its all ready for the job fair tomorrow..i think..left work early..went to lunch with yvonne and then came home and took like a four hour nap with dusti..still feeling not good..but im hoping it will be better by tomorrow and if not..ill have to take enough meds to pass for not sick and make it through the job fair..but off to bed

its happened

so its finally happened..im not dependent on anyone anymore ...i have a car now which completes all of it i guess..i really can go anywhere i want to without having to wait for anyone..i can go where i want to without worrying if its okay or not..i finally drove myself to work and home today..i took the scenic route home but i got home nonetheless..and im slowly getting more comfortable driving...im starting to pay more attention to what im doing..but if i really wanted to just get up and go somewhere i can..i never really thought i would be able to do that..i dont know how i managed to make myself believe i would never drive but i did..and now im driving and its not great but its not the end of the world either i guess..i also drove myself to the grocery store and i swear i would die if i ever had to stop going to the grocery store but anyway..i picked up a bunch of stuff for dusti cas i saw creepy crawlers on her yesterday...so i got her some drops and a new flea collar..my fault for not realizing it was time for a new one..but anyway she wasnt happy with me last night when i gave her a bath..but i needed to do it last night and not just cas i was bored or anything..and she didnt come near me for the rest of the night..shes ok again now though..she was her usual self this morning and getting all over my pillows and what not while i was waking up and stuff..i was actually searching for job openings this morning...its such a headache really..i read the descriptions and its hard constantly looking at the requirements and knowing i dont qaulify for it...its also hard talking about having a job for only like 6 months because i want to go back to talisman over the summer..its hard i guess explaining that not going back isnt an option and its not like i wont be getting paid to do it ..but i really want to go back..maybe i need to go back..i dont know but thats like the only thing im positive i want to do...i went and got my resume looked at yesterday and yea it needs some work but i was looking at the samples and its hard for me to sit there and come up with all this good positive stuff about myself to tell to someone else...i dont beleive it and im not sure ill be able to make someone else believe it either..but i have to try..i do know that..ive been trying to talk myself out of going to the job fair but i cant let myself back out of that one..i have to go..i have to start turning in ap plications..i realized today that i really have less than a month and week left at the hospital..thinking about it makes me want to cry alot...and its depressing really considering ive gotten so used to being there..now i dont want to leave...but im off to dinner with yvonne although im not sure ill eat anything since i just ate enough vanilla wafers to make myself sick..

another headache

maybe ill play with the colors again and im working on learning to add pictures..that one being my newest favorite of the day that i found on my comp over the weekend..hopefully this will actually show up and i wont have to redo it..freezing my butt off..feeling incredibly sick but ill get to that later..actually did everything i was supposed to be doing today..went to class..went to therapy..went to my career services appt..grabbed dinner..purged dinner hence the feeling sick..now im just laying in bed fighting the urge to cut for being such a dummy..my whole arm is killing me ,,wrist more so than everything else and i keep thinking great i wont be able to go and wear my usual shirts to work..ill have to wear them and my jacket or just stick with long sleeves for a while..its cold enough to get away with it i just hate hiding them..hate answering questions more so i guess the trade off is even..cover them up and stop people from treating me like im contagious..would be kinda fun though being contagious..i really want to tell my head to shut up and leave me alone..only i can sit here and ask myself questions out loud no less and expect an answer..not like theres anyone sitting in front of me to answer them but i do answer myself most of the time..i walk around half talking to myself when i want to figure something out..today it was more of a you are annoying and i hate you topics..ive some how made it so that it seems like im talking directly to myself and not just having random streams of thoughts in my head..i was sitting in class writing on my arm to keep myself in class persay..and what i wrote wasnt exactly nice or anything ..im pretty sure walking around with i hate you and your stupid and mean and all this stuff on your arm doesnt count as being nice..how odd would it be to say there was someone else in my head all the time..constantly telling me bunches of stuff..not always bad stuff either but just stuff..reflections of what im thinking maybe..if i have i hate myself floating in my head its not the same thing as like standing in the mirror in the morning and telling my reflection i hate you..not i hate myself becuase then it doesnt make sense..and i guess its juts really hard to explain without seeming like ive completely lost my mind...next topic of a million things..what am i gonna do about acceptance..hmm ok other questions first...am i suicidal? big question of the night i guess...am i right this minute no..was i over the weekend yes..and im only thinking of that now because i was asked when was the last time earlier and well duh it sounds kinda bad saying it was like yesterday ..but no ill make it through this week like i have all my other weeks...walking my fine little line between sane and not...maybe im not really not sane..maybe im just way to aware of myself for my own good..i guess being aware and acceptaing are two very different things..i know where my thoughts have a tend to go and get stuck..i know what i think about and what i question without ever bothering to tell anyone else..i know all this stuff and it just stays in my head until it becomes to much and i write it here..but even writing here can be confusing jumbles of half thoughts and wrong ideas...jenny told me it reads like a book kinda..never thought of that..i was looking at the dates yesterday and its like holy cow..only about a year and a half old and ive written more than 350 entries!! me the person who can swear up and down that i never have anything to say can write and write and write and still my head is full of things to say...i guess i should stop saying i dont have anything to say cas i have a million things to say just to scared most of the time to say them..afraid no one will listen or hear what i have to say..dusti is good for bouncing ideas off of when i really need to say something out loud..but that still doesnt make being scared to talk ok..hello i was dorky enough to pick the major that meant ttalking to ppl..actually all my choices meant tlaking to ppl so i guess i would have found a way around it eventually.but its hard..i go to work and talk to janet and cindy and the other ppl at the hospital..im not as afraid of them from a professional stand point..ive talked about the basic family stuff with janet and cindy some..i know about there kids and whats going on with them..but i worry when im having a bad day and just want things to be quiet if they notice..or if i told them what i did would they like me anymore or want me to be there...i was not very helpful today in therapy ..good grief well i wasnt my usual self..talked a bit more than i normally do..but i just wasnt big on anyhting today..radical acceptance..ive heard of from somewhere and cant remember where..i still think its all a bunch of bs...most likely because i just dont like thinking about acceptance at all..its means knowing that what i do is wrong and sick and dangerous and not being able to ignore it anymore..the pain isnt the biggest part of it..that goes away..the reasons behind why i did it in the first place will have to start coming up and being talked about and id rather go have my eyebrows plucked with a needle or something than talk about any of it..i just want it to go away but trying to do that makes it come up in my dreams until i refuse to sleep anymore..the real world hurts to much..why deal with it when you can make stuff up and make everything ok...

remember..then forget

my little picture thingy did make me laugh when i saw it actually show up..when i put it up earlier it was only in the profile and now its actually on the blog page..its cute though and i like it..

its barely past 9:30 and ive wanted to go to bed since 8..i was trying to wait up for yvonne but thats not gonna happen it seems...i got the extension on my project..i guess ill finish it next week and save myself the trouble of stressing more about it...class will be short tomorrow so that will be good..other stuff to do and errands to run.. ate dinner and half purged..feeling light headed and sore still..played games..did a little cleaning but not much..will hunt down quaters to do some laundry tomorrow..did i never mention that yvonne got me a hello kitty blanket..its pink and black and siilky smooth :) very cool and its on my bed with about a million other things but when i get my bed cleaned off ill fix it more...my attention is all over the place..maybe cause im so tired..but while im thinking about it i should prolly go and take my vitamins that i forgot or didnt take cas im never sure when im going to b'p..so since im going to bed ill take them now..maybe i need to make a list of things to do this week so it wont seem so overwhleming..or maybe i can juts stay in bed for a week and not care..or maybe i dont know..im being stupid...

so i had veggie corn dogs with bbq sauce and pickeles for dinner..as i was wandering around trying to decide if i wanted to throw up or not i thought about how weird a combo that was to just stick together and my second thought was..great im pregnant..and after i laughed about it i started thinking abut what mommy would do to me if i did end up pregnant..she wouldnt have to kill me cas i would do that myself but i dont really know if i would tell her or not..not that it matters i guess since she swore up and down that i was sleeping with everyone while i was in middle school and then she thought i was pregnant for other reasons..im not the smartest person in the world but im pretty sure you cant be pregnant for like 3 years..why i thought of that now i dont know..kinda hard being called a slut when your like 11..had to be 6th and 7th grade maybe 8th..i dont remember..i know i wasnt in high school yet though..not that it matters.some random half a memory..maybe because i take offense to be asked who im dating when its incredibly obvious i dont date..and because i dont talk about dating or anything its like everyone just likes to assume i have a million different guys im sleeping with..not dating just sleeping with..problem with that being i cant stand being touched by anyone almost unless i know them and even thats not set in stone..clubs and kids being the exceptions there..although clubs could cause more trouble if im to drunk to care...its just weird being accused of something you dont understand and not able to explain yourself out of it..oh well not a big deal

it hurts

today is one of those days where i dont know what ive done anymore..everything hurts..im cold and hot at the same time..i want to sleep but im not sleepy...sitting still for to long and then moving just makes my brusied sides flare up in protest..i think its possible to brusie your ribs without meaning too..maybe its just my sides hurting from purging to much..i made myself eat cereal and a protein bar thingy and not throw it up..it helped with the sick feeling a bit..my arm is almost completely out of commision it hurts so much..its been forever since i actually cut my wrist..i did that last..after i cuta couple other places on my arm..not like i could give one arm a break and do both arms..nope all on one arm..and im trying hard not to move it at all...i really really want to hide for a while..i gave in an called my teacher about my presentation and actually left a message..it only took me the better part of a day to talk myself into calling her..now im juts waiting for her to call me back..if she doesnt then i might not be going to class tomorrow..im not up for it...feeling guilty for being a dork and doing everything wrong this weekend..i keep telling myself to get off my butt and clean up but i dont want to..the energy to care is missing today again...i feel dead or disconnected or maybe juts extremly detatched..im not exactly sure what to take because i dont know whats causing what...i did go home last night..i did get my car and come back this morning...i guess ill be driving myself to work this week..i have other stuff due thats pressing in on my head ..find something small to focus on and go from there..played a few games until my eyes started hurting and now im writing to try and take my mind off things..i keep looking at the razor i have yet to move off of my bed and back into its hiding place...i dont really want to use it but i dont want to not see it either..no idea when yvonne will be getting back either..ill have to find something to once again pull myself together..or i could just fall apart..but no one would notice

confused

i should be grateful
i want to be grateful but i cant...mommy is coming to get me and i could careless..i dont want to be near her at all..i dont want to be anywhere around her and if i could get out of talking to her i would...but thats prolly a lie anyway..saying no isnt my strong point at all..ive gotten into to much trouble anyway for not picking up the phone..and she actually asks if i like them..like im dumb enough to say no.. its not nice to not like your family..well most of my family is ok i guess.. dont see them enough for it to matter but i guess for the ones its important to like i dont really like mommy at all..and i think im gonna go to hell for even thinking that..for all the stuff i think about someone might have to make up a place worse than hell just for me..cas i suck majorly...anyway..mommy will be here in about an hour or so..i still havent packed yet..im a slacker..im not really sure i have done today

painful day

mommy nots here yet...i stressed thinking she was on the way to come this morning and i was just you know sitting on my bed petting dusti for like half an hour..didnt clean up anyhting..havent cleaned up anything still..didnt take a nap either and now i am tired..still have a headache..havent taken vitamins for two days now i think...ate lunch and wanted to purge and tried but it didnt work out..hurt to much and just ended up crying in a way...my eyes just watered to the point of seriously thinking i was going to cry..i guess i did in a way but it wasnt real crying...now im getting really sore..my bones hurt..my bones prolly hate me too...took a bubble bath/shower this morning..relaxed for a little while..thought about whats the pros and cons of letting it be known that i want to die..more so who would i tell anyway..right now mommy will be on the way in a couple hours im guessing and no im not planning on doing anything but taking a nap...just the thoughts are there and refuse to go away...i did my hair and had a little to much fun cutting it..really i just trimmed it but mommy wont be happy..i know it shorter since i did it but im not really sure anyone else will notice..mommy will though and ill juts get yelled at for cutting my hair..the same way i got yelled at when she thought i dyed my hair and i hadnt...i dont know whats making my hair look lighter but i havent done anything new to it...i should get up but i dont feel like it..theres nothing on tv to watch and i should go check the mail and see if my new movie is here...i watched bambi 2 last night..it was cute... i think ill go play a game or something for a while..

is it posoible to just float away sometimes. every thing hurts an feels so very far away. eyes hurt, really tired, just want to sleep for a good while. sleping last night wasnt good. kept waking up but i dont know why. cant remember if i was dreaming or not. just a not completely there feeling. zoning out into my own little world where things justdont matter any more. maybe ill take a nap before i start geting ready to go home again. mommy called and said the car was fixed but i got to get home to get it. shes gonna come and get me and ill drive myself back tomorrow. i want to cry but i have nothing to cry about. as i watched myself throw up breakfast i thought about how long it would take to die doing all of this. panic set in and i got scared. sometimes i dont think i really want to die. im not sure i could convince myslf to go through with it. sometimes it does look like a good thing to do and sometimes it doesnt. i keep wanting to email my teacher and tell her i cant turn in my project on monday because im cracking up and cant handle anything else. it will be my fault for not doing it earlier and she will just be mad at me for wasting her time. my head hurts and i feel like im going to be sick again..the pain i deserve but its the rest of a whole bunch of emotions thats sitting right below the surface thats bothering me..guilt and shame just have to be there..if they had bodies i would swear they were just standing there staring at me..telling me to get a life or die and get it over with..even will the bunch of emotions that i c ant really tell apart.anger is missing. i dont remember when i figured out that but its been recently. i dont get mad. i cant get mad. its just gone. i think i tell yvonne stuff caas she does get mad for me. if shes mad then its not on me and i cant be in trouble for it. i just get real sad about all of it. i think ill go take a nap or something until my headache goes away because everything is seeming awfully slow right now. doesnt matter though..ill have to pull myself together before mommy gets here. the problem with that is cutting is the only thing that stops my head from floating

hmm

for the record...throwing up is still majorly gross..sick and painful..welp i have the sick part down..not sureabout the painful one...im in a dork yes i know..and im in a really not okay mood so i guess ill finish this tomorrow when my heads clearer

another day

it was really sad having one of my kids go home..good that he was well enough to leave but sad ill never get to play games with him or watch him in therapy or talk to him..ill miss seeing him and his mom a lot..i miss all of them when they go home...but it was a busy day in the world of the hospital...lots of walking abck and forth and playing and working..listened to a kid play the piano a little bit. and helped someone else with there work..had ppl compliment me on my outfit that i only wore cas i was sick of wearing pants that i casually pick up off the floor every morning..cas im to lazy to hang up my clothes..i try but im juts so tired when i get hom and want to do other stuff but i will clean up tomorrow and get my project done...

i keep trying to stay happy but its not working..i just keep ending up more sad than when i started off...im by myself again for another weekend..i keep being alone on the weekend and i just hate how much i want to ask yvonne to stay so i dont have to be alone but thats not fair..and i just watchh her leave and live her own life and i stay here and dont do anything..mommy says my car is fixed yet again but i cant get to it and i dont know if she can bring it up here..just mom money to spend that i suddenly dont have..went to the grocery store and spent to muhc money...binged on take out and purged :( i dont know what it is about the weekened that really just screws me over so much..but im purging again...i was really good this week and last weekend and now im purging again..stupid me..dont know why i suddenly feel like cutting..actually i dont know if ill make it through the weekend without doing it..i keep wanting to think about everything i have to do..my project is due on monday that ive barely started..i want to ask my teacher if i can put off presenting it because my head is all over the place and i cant focus...i dont want to think about everything thats going through my head..mostly cas i dont know what it is..just back to the nervous anxious feelings again..im pulling my shoulders in and its hard reminding myself to relax when i dont even know why im so nervous..i think ill go to bed really early today and get an early start on stuff tomorrow..maybe that will help..i hope

no more energy

my energy is gone. .i dont want to do anything but sleep..sleep all day long and not have to worry about getting anything done..i had a headache for most of today..no idea why..maybe im not eating enough during the day i dont know..but aleeve doesnt work for me..maybe cas i only took to compared to my useless five or so ..how ever many i feel like taking at the time but its always more than two..but they were mine and i just asked one of the nurses for something for my head and she gave me some of her meds..then i went and got a free candy apple..staff appreciation day or something and i pick today to want a candy apple..today being the first time ive ever eaten on in my life..and the only reason i ate it was because i took a bite and found ut it was a green apple underneath not a gross red one..so i had my first candy apple today..kinda stupid i guess..who hasnt ever had one? played catch and tumb war with the kids on the floor..im sad ct is leaving tomorrow.ill miss him..but still felt crummy today for the most part..fuzzy should be an emotion..that what it was fuzzy and disconnected this morning..headachy this afternoon..it sucks..but then i just had to notice ive gone and gotten completely dehydrated again..im so thirsty right this minute..but ive been drinking for the last hour or so...not enough to fix it but i cant drink anymore im full, maybe tomorrow will be better..maybe i dont know..maybe ill just feel better tomorrow..

liar

i wanted viacodin..thats what i was looking for yesterday..i wasnt looking for or planning on taking the valium i happened to find...my head refuses to just give it up and leave it alone..im gonna drive myself crazy with all of it....i mentioned what i did on a message board that i happen to like and someone told me to get rid of the pill i still have..and when i read it something in me just completely rebels at that idea..i dont know why i want to keep it...i dont want to keep it or take it but i dont want to not have it either...kinda hard to say i might need it when it wasnt mine to begin with..i cant possibly need it i just want it..why cant i just throw the stupid pill away..thinking about doing that makes me want to cry..its stupid all of it..and ill end up doing something really stupid and killing myself..yesterday i was so tired but i was afraid to sleep a little while after taking the other pill..did anyway cas staying awake just wasnt working..but i didnt know what would happen and it would have sucked to just not wake up from one pill..and not even a strong one at that..it was 10mg and i really didnt think that was a lot of anything because the pill is so small anyway but maybe its stronger than i thought it was..and im just gonna go to bed before i start crying or something