guess i just feel like writing..

i actually have a pretty big headache right now..and i realize that the longer i lay down the worse i am feeling headwise..so writing is my drug of choice for the evening...

im not sure really what i even want to say..but again my mind keeps rewinding my back to my chat with heather #2 since i know two heathers now lol..but heather #2 mentioned me writing my story..and in my own backwards way..i refused..pretty sure i came up with a whole lot of excuses..and reasons for why it cant be done...but its been two weeks i think since that conversation and still thoughts about it plauge me..i wonder what would i say..how would i say it..what message would i want to get across...and right now ..i think its very important for me to get my thoughts into words because in trying hard not to hurt myself that means i have to get them out some how...so today its writing...and im going to try hard to not ramble on and on and on and get it simple and to the point...ha thats pretty funny coming from me and my  ability to just ramble...

so heres goes...take 1 :

i never really considered that I had a story to tell.  i had decided that my life was just depressing and that as long as i kept up the pretense that i was happy then no one would really notice or pay any attention to me. I managed to slip through the radar of everything i did.  I was never the best, but i was never the worst.  i did enough to stay out of trouble but to not draw to much attention to myself because in my mind attention meant bad things.  I guess I got tired of always being on the look out for all the bad things that could and would happen.

I dont remember much about growing up.  I was pegged the quiet kid.  I did everything i was supposed to do and grew up in a household with a lot of foster children.  I guess you could say i was one of the lucky ones.  i was adopted as a baby with my twin sister, who did not make it past 3 years old due to a medical condition.  I was in trouble a lot growing up, I was blamed for things that i didnt do but still i was punished for it.  At some point I realized that defending myself did not help the situation.  If my mom said I had done it then she was right and i was wrong.  I learned to believe that I was bad, awful, and not good enough no matter what i did or didnt do.  I led a very sheltered life, i lived with a lot of brothers and sisters, we traveled, did family things, on the outside we were a lovely family.  my mom was the most giving person, she must have been very giving to have adopted so many of the foster children that she kept.

it is not common knowledge that my brothers and sisters and i are all adopted.  i know and found out by accident.  fear of what my mom will do to me keeps me from saying anything about it.  I am not allowed to talk about my sister, and sometimes i worry that no one remembers her anymore. I grew up thinking that i had two sets of parents and neither wanted me.  I wanted my mom to send me back to the adoption agency since i always seemed to be in trouble for some wrong that i had done. i prayed for her to tell me to just leave but she never did and i just the unspoken rules of the household.  i went to school, and spent a lot of my free time with my mom at her job.  she could tell you where i was at any time of the day.  I did not ask to do much because i had already been told that i was only good enough for cleaning.  I was compared to my brothers and sisters for not being like them.  i tried so hard to be like them and when i failed at it, my self esteem just continued to fall.  i was always being told that i was selfish, mean, and bad.  i believed her and no one could get me to understand anything different.  she was my mom, why would she lie to me about this? she would tell me that it was better that i heard all of it from her because she loved me.  so i listened to her, took in everything she said, and twisted it all around until i did believe that i was horrible and deserved everything that happened.  I grew up in an environment that was not warm or loving but i had all my needs met.  i was fed, sheltered, clothed. i dont remember ever getting a hug from my mom when i was younger and i just knew better than to ask for comfort for anything.  I closed in on myself.  I spoke when i was spoken too, i did not intitate conversation. i didnt have friends because i was always afraid of what others wanted from me.  my silence kept me safe but it has also trapped me becuase it is very difficult to let it go.

i did all the normal expected things, i went to school, graduated and then left for college.  in my mind college was my chance at freedom but i was not prepared at all to be in the real world and expected to take care of myself.  i skipped classes, didnt turn in work, i wasnt out partying. i was just isolating in my room. i was afraid of all of the people that surrounded me who i did not know.  i was geniunily surprised when i failed my first semester, i paid for the failure for a long time from my mom. somehow though i stayed in college, and continued to struggle to just manage and survive and get by.  i was fighting constant suicidal thoughts, i was doing anything and everything i could to hurt myself because that is what i thought made me feel better. it helped me calm down and focus.  still college was a struggle and i continued to fail out of my 2nd and 3rd semesters before it finally hit me that i had to finish college or i would be forced to go back home.  home was not a place i wanted to be at all, and so i began to truly work harder to do what i needed to do.  i started going to classes but i was still the person hiding in the back of the class with nothing to say to anyone.  my major had changed from nursing, to undeclared, to social work over the course of almost 4 years.  it wasnt until i began taking the social work classes that i found classes that i could relate too. classes that made sense to me. i excelled within the social work program and thought i had finally found my place in something that i could manage and enjoy.  within my classes i began talking to one of my teachers about some of the assignments i was required to do.  social work is all about self awareness, self reflection.  why did i want to be self aware ?  I was cutting, burning, and purging on a daily basis.  I saw no reason to be any more self aware or admit to what i was doing.  my depression still kept me from interacting with others and getting to classes on a regular basis.  i was bouncing in and out of therapy and refused medication.  i did not want to be viewed as crazy or having problems. i didnt care but my teachers did care.  while in the social work program some of my struggles became known.  the head of the department, my teachers, and others who knew me were asked to come to a meeting about me and my place within the program.  i was very angry at my teacher for 'telling' on me.  i didnt want to talk to any of them, i didnt want them to know anything about what i was doing or struggling with.  the meeting was held and i was there for parts of it.  A contract was made with very specific conditions for me to abide by if i wanted to stay in the program.  I had to go back to therapy and stay in it, i had to let my teachers or adviser know if i was feeling suicidal. i had to check in with them. I hated it. i think i hated all of them for a while because they were forcing me to face issues that i did not want to have to look at. i did end up following the contract with the exception of that suicide ruile.  suicide was to personal, i couldnt tell them if i was feeling that badly. i did not want to admit how often i was thinking about and wanting to die at that time. my internship was carefully picked so that i could avoid any extra stress that may cause me to start acting out.  i loved my internship at the hospital and really did thank my teachers for taking the time to place me in an area that was different and not as stressful as normal social work internships.  it took me almost 6 years but I graduated with my BSW in 2006.

i never thought i would make it past 18, or past 20.  Im now 28 and I am still alive. I am working at a job that is flexible enough for me to manage. I am able to work with others and give them support and encouragement, even when I feel that I am not doing anything helpful.   i still have daily struggles with depression, anxiety, self harm, and low self esteem.  I have been in therapy, I am in therapy, I am working with my doctors to find the right medications that help me stay stable enough so that i can go to work and manage and maintain.  i can now recognize the signs of when I am going downhill mentally and sometimes i can stop it and sometimes it just has to take its course.  during the hard time i have to be very careful to keep harmful things away from myself, i have to pay attention to my medication so that i do not take to much, i have to work harder to use the coping skills that work for me like writing, making collages, playing games online and reading. i am still in the process of learning to express how i am feeling without fear of being in trouble.  my past still affects me a lot of ways and i have been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder, and ptsd with severe self harm. i still have to work daily to talk to others and i do have trouble maintaining eye contact with almost everyone.

I guess its easy to say that things will get better, that things will work out, but that's not completely true.  Things can get better but it take a lot of courage to face your fears, to face your past and to be able to move on from it.  Things can get worse before they get better, but the key is that no matter how much you try to ignore it, escape it, lie about it, in the morning it will still all be right where you left it.  It is not fun knowing that I am so different, knowing that my mind doesn't work right at times, when all i want to do is fit in.  i am learning that it is more important to accept myself where i am right now and not try to skip ahead or go backwards anymore. It has taken a long time for me to even admit that i was abused, physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. Yes they are things that have happened to me, and that i have lived through, but they are the past now. Now i am able to protect myself, and make choices that are right for me.   Healing takes a lot of time and effort and it may seem like you are just making baby steps both backwards and forwards, but eventually it will be easier to maintain the forward steps and find peace and happiness within yourself because life keeps going on and it is your choice how much of a part of it you are.

love is...just that... love

well i finally figured out what it is that has been bothering me ...and it was what the sermon thing was from bible study last week....the gist of it was that homosexuality is wrong.. well that wasnt all of it..but the part that stuck out for me and rubbed me the wrong way was the homosexuality part...i know churches have there beliefs..and that they want obedience and conformity..but this is an issue that just makes no sense to me and i dont understand why it is just such a big deal ..in church...in politics..in any freaking thing..whose business is it but mine if i said i liked girls..or boys..or both..crap you cant ask me anyway because im still confused as all heck on the matter...

i fell in lust with my supervisor who is in fact a girl..and i say lust not love because i dont know the first thing about love..but i do know and understand lust..and i wanted her..i wanted her to want me in the way that i wanted her..and gosh writing this out is so majorly confusing...yes i knew it was a relationship that would go absolutely no where..but that did not stop my mind from going every which way it could with it..and to say it was embarrassing is putting is nicely..very very nicely..because my mind can come up with some xxxrated stuff in a heartbeat..and i may be all shy and embarrassed about sex and talking about it and all of that..but my head is a whole different matter and this would be one of the times i am so very glad no one else can see into my mind..cas yeah...

ok deep breath..

umm theres a guy i like..there are girls im attracted too..and the more i think about it .the more i am pretty sure im actually bi and not a complete 100% lesbian..i mean really right now my hormones must be seriously out of whack or something because sex has been on my brain in ridiculous amounts.like ready and willing to sleep with anyone at any time type thinking..which is not ok for a lot of reasons!!  the past few weeks have been crazy sex driven thinking and acting and ugh..i dont understand it..normally you know im not interested in the opposite sex or the same sex or anyone..i just like being left alone..but then i kid you not my meds changed and  i was ready to find anyone to get rid of the sudden need for pleasure and blah blah blah... didnt not act on the thoughts thank heavens..but it was a trying couple weeks when i just couldnt let the thoughts go... sometimes im rather afraid that if i wasnt so afraid of stuff..i would have become a raging sexaholic or something...but i guess i went to the other end of the spectrum and just avoided everyone..

crap loads of deep breaths cas its interesting how some things cause different reactions... i feel like i need to go back to church just to be saved from whatever it is that is wrong with me..and i think that is the measure i got last week and that made me upset...on the list of sins i seem to be doing quite a few and i have a one way ticket to hell based on what im doing ..and not doing ... and in the churches eyes i guess my eternal soul is in question big time...i go to church..i listen..i watch..but i dont feel anything...well i feel that i want what everyone else seems to be getting and im not..i want to feel peace and acceptance and love and support and care..and its like ok well we can give you that but you have got to follow these specific rules and stop sinning..and be obedient and come to church and pray and ask for forgiveness..blah..its just so confusing .. and really feels very unfair...im trying to understand and  find faith in whatever it is that i am looking for..but at every turn i am just finding out that there is so much wrong with me that maybe there is no redemption left for me...god can forgive and heal..but i am still waiting..

something wicked this way comes..

either im having some major harry potter withdrawals or im just not in a very good head space right now..and i think its been kinda a downward turn since like umm thursday..i dont know what happened..i mean thursday was a really really good day i think...and then its like i over medicated for some reason and i just havent been able to swing back from it..im stuck within my thoughts where ever they may be..and they are not in a very positive place..and maybe its just that ive been doing so much thinking about cutting and harm and all of that..and wanting attention and not getting it..and i try .i tried to ask for attention this week but it was at work and i feel that ..i know that she is not able to give me the attention that i so desperately want...maybe im just feeling lonely and sad and its like suddenly im realizing just how alone i am up here..without family or close friends and all of that...ujst trying so hard to stay safe and find reasons to stay safe when all i want to do is hurt and hide and cry and isolate and ask why me to every single person i know...i think right now im just hung up on the why of all of this..why was i the one hurt..why was i picked on..why i was i abused..why do i have to hurt myself..so on and so forth..i want to know why ..i want to know what i did that was so awful that ive had to punish myself for my entire life..and then to make it even better ..i had to have it pointed out to me that i am punishing myself..because i was to stupid to figure it out on my own..so not only did everyone else in my life hurt me..but i was/am hurting me and it doesnt make sense when i try to explain why..i know im not making sense but still i try to explain it..i try to make everyone else understand just how awful i am and how bad..and how i must have been this horrible child to have been hurt so much..to have been picked on and hurt and hit ..but now its all been pointed out...the horror of me actually hurting myself has been pointed out and pointed out again...and yes ive had a few wake up calls in the past few weeks when it comes to my scars and what not..but stopping..stopping completely is very scary and has me feeling very sad, confused, lost, alone...how can i escape my thoughts without cutting?  how can i get rid of my fears and hurt without purging?  how am i supposed to manage to live in this world that im not sure i understand without being able to numb out everything? how am i supposed to deal with myself and my life on a daily basis with nothing to help me...nothing to distract me..nothing to help me stay contained and focused and just i dont know...  i know i have to stop..ive been asked to stop..ive been advised to stop..ive heard all the demands and the arguments for why its bad..crap ive been told its a sin..ive heard it all..and still i want it..i want the escape..i want the release..i want to feel something besides to dear and guilt and shame..i want to get out of my head..and physical pain does that..purging does that...to many meds makes me sleep and unless im having nightmares then that is an escape too... and without the cutting and purging..all i do is sleep...work and sleep..and life continues on without me..i dont know how to be a part of it..but i do know how to ignore it..but im not supposed to do that either..im supposed to be present and mindful and stay with the day and not skip ahead or jump backwards...but i have the most trouble with staying present when i feel so out of place in my current world..again i do enough to get by .. to slip under the radar.. thats how i justify my behaviors..as long as i am not hurting anyone else and still going to work and being an adult.then who cares just how much it is that im destroying myself..literally .. if i was being honest i would say that i could die right now and i wouldnt care in the slightest...you know what stops me?? the fact that my stupid apartment is a mess and mommy would kill me herself if she say just how messy it was...and maybe i just need to stop this one now before it gets any worse..

hmm ill change the subject....i did go to the workshop again this morning..and it wasnt as scary this time around ..but it was harder for me to focus because of so many people coming and going..there was just to much going on around me..and i can admit i was feeling a little bit jealous but that is my attachment issues coming up again..darn it.. but i did get two hugs today and that was helpful..but my mood was really down..and i just couldnt hide my sadness today..i dont know what was making me feel so sad but it was showing ..blah.. hate days like that..well days like this ... all day the sad feelings have been around ..and they show no signs of lessening or stopping or going away..and this is why i have to cut sometimes.. just to get a break from all of the thinking and sadness...

ok i am going to stop writing now..because this is one of those times when writing is not helping me feel better at all..

a sad day...i dont know why

just having one of those days where things just feel sad..everything is feeling sad..and im not sure really want to do...

did go to the workshop thingy this morning.but it was to crowded for me and so my attention was back and forth and all over the place..got a little bit of one on one attention..and then just kinda came home...mood was just really down..and im not really sure why..

maybe lunch and a nap and ill feel better or something..who knows

murky waters

my head has been full of mud today...murky water..slow..struggling to make thoughts and connections and just wanting to sleep...note to self ..3 klonopin in one day leads to an inability to function the next day..i just really truly had no interest in anything at all and it took me all morning to even get to the point of getting out of bed and getting dressed..just to realize that i had left the house without my wallet and yeah just a lot of struggling today with needing to stay focused and not able to..i dont think i cared about anything today..and that was the problem..i was tired and not caring..neither happy or sad..just ugh.i dont know..im hoping that once i get to sleep and wake up again tomorrow will be better..i think im still trying to  sleep off the extra meds i took and its just taking so long...i feel like all i do lately is just wor kand sleep..and it more sleep than work..i come home and lay down and i go to sleep..i wake up in the morning and depending on the day i either get right up and manage to get moving or i get up and have to end up laying back down because im still so tired...and i kknow im still adjusting to the meds and everything and i guess it would help if i took them correctly too..but yeah..

i havent cut and im trying hard hard super hard not to purge...

this is my life..im sleeping it away currently...but i think ill take the empty sleepiness to the chaotic spazzing out ..

not much...kinda just blahish

today was a lot fuzzy..and frustrating with some work stuff...i dont like ppl who think they can control someonee else..ugh..it irked me so much..and so i came home and took meds to calm down and crashed...hadnt planned on going to sleep but i ended up sleep..and when i got up i was really fuzzy and out of it..but managed to go to church..and i think that it was the need for comfort that got me there..cas of wanting hugs and comfort..so yeah..small burst of energy when i came home..but am laying down again now...not much to talk about from today..i think today passed in a pretty big haze..

old stuff...just some quotes

"Cherish your visions, cherish your ideals, cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts; if you remain true to them your world will at least be built."

 If I could give you one gift, I would give you the ability to see
yourself as I see you, so that you could see how truly special you are."

~ Author Unknown

 i want by understanding myself to understand others. i want to be all that i am capable of becoming

- katherine mansfield

but i identify myself, as always
with something that theres something wrong with
with something human

- randall jarrell

Speak when you are angry and
you will make the best speech
you will ever regret.

-author unknown

"Take time to laugh... It's music of the soul."

"The pain passes,but the beauty remains."
Pierre Auguste Renoir

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the moon and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no
doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

2nd try at the self harm talk..

i really woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and so im trying to calm myself down and all of that so i figured i would write a little bit ... but im trying to organize my thoughts about the cutting and all of that..i know it will take me a few rewrites before im able to write it in an objective manner...but self harm is where my thoughts are at ..so ill just write ...

When I started cutting myself I was in high school. Before that I was called a picker by my family.  I was always being yelled at or hurt because of constantly picking at bug bites, scabs, or anything that i could get to and just pick at. Looking back I realize it was more an a anxiety driven behavior, but because of how it was handled it escalated.  i learned to hide what i was doing to prevent being in trouble, to prevent being hurt even more.  it reached a point where i wanted to prove i could hurt myself more than anyone else, i had found a way to say i was hurting without having to speak. I had found a way to give my inner pain and struggles a way to be seen. the problem was that with the cutting, the need to hide it was almost more important than the actual act. I had strict rules for where to cut, and in the beginning told myself i would not cut in visible places.  I promised myself that i would stay in control, I was careful, i knew what i was doing and i could manage.  I told myself repeatedly that it was okay, that as long as i was not hurting anyone else no one cared what i was doing to myself. I was positive I could hide it for as long as i needed, and in all honesty I knew that it would be the cause of my death.  Cutting and suicide are often confused with each other.  I don't cut because i want to die, I cut to prevent myself from dying.  Cutting for me is the step before suicide, because i know that if i cut I will be able to release whatever it is that i am feeling at the time. I understand the dangers involved in cutting, and i can understand others fear my behaviors because i could accidentally cut the wrong place and die.

My promise of keeping it under control turned into more than ten years of self harm and even now that I am older and am in charge of my own life I still fight the urges to harm myself. For me there is a lot of shame involved with the cutting, I work very hard to keep the scars hidden and i do not talk about how i got the scars. i was very afraid that i would be judged, called crazy, and misunderstood.  It has been very hard for me to admit that I am a cutter.  I don't do it for attention and go out of my way to hide it.  My cats became my excuse, i was accidents, i worm long sleeves and jackets all the time to keep my arms hidden.  I felt like everyone knew what i was doing and that i was being judged because of it.

In all of the years I have been cutting, well in all of the years I have hurt myself because with self harm there is more than just cutting.  some people burn, or hit themselves.  Using drugs, overeating, overspending, and almost any addictive behavior can be classified as self harm because it is hurting you in some way.  it is either a internal or external hurt, but it is a hurt all the same.  It has taken me a long time to even begin to accept that I am harming myself.  I believed that I was safe as long as I never hurt anyone else. I wanted to tell someone that I was hurting but I didn't have the words.  I did not know how to ask for help, or attention.  I knew that if I showed the scars then I would get attention but it was not the attention I really wanted.  Growing up I was not taught that it was okay to speak and ask for help.  I knew how to hide and how to pretend that I was fine.  I learned to ignore the pain and take care of the cuts when they were 'bad ones'.  I did not often go to the hospital for care of the scars and as a result i will always have many of the  scars from the cutting. 

Within the past couple years I entered into the professional mental health world in a way that allowed me to talk and offer support to others who are struggling with different mental illnesses. It has been in this setting that i have found the most understanding and support.  I know there are uncertainties with having a person who is struggling with mental illness going out and working with a client who is struggling with their own mental illness. I was given the chance and the support to do it and have enjoyed my work. 

 It has been in this that I have learned that cutting and other forms of self harm are not healthy.  I am hurting myself, and that is not okay. I have scarred my body and there is still a lot of shame because the scars will never fade away.  the scars are now a part of me, a part of my life, a part of my story.  I am learning that in order for me to be accepted by others, i have to accept myself.  I am learning that the self harm is a symptom of other mental illnesses.  I have been in and out of therapy, I have tried medication, I have talked and shared a little bit with others that i could trust about my struggles with self harm.  it is hard to explain the urges, the need, the desire to hurt because sometimes the pain inside of me is to much to deal with. I am slowly learning that I need to talk about it because if I keep it hidden then I am still going to believe that it is okay.  It has taken a while to understand the importance of having supportive friends due to having a non supportive family. I am understanding that it is important for me to talk about the urges and how i am feeling.  I am still learning how to verbalize what I am feeling and how to ask for help without hurting myself.

my self harm behaviors have decreased a lot in the past 2 years.  It still happens but i understand better now that if I am hurting myself then i do need to ask for extra support, i know that i need to work harder to stay busy, and use my coping skills. I can make it through the urges now without acting on them, im not successful all the time but every time i manage without cutting is a success for me.  i am still working on stopping the behavior completely.  cutting is an addiction, the more i try to stop, the more i want it.  Not the act itself but the release that it brings me.  I no longer carry razors with me everywhere i go and I can manage longer periods of time without cutting.  I have to remind myself repeatedly on a daily basis that i am okay, and that its okay to feel the feelings that i am feeling.

The most important thing that i can say about self harm is that it is not okay or helpful to demand that the self harmer stop the behaviors.  If it was easy enough to just stop, I am positive that we would all stop and let that be the end of it.  Placing demands on a behavior that is so addictive sets the self harmer up for failure if they give into the urge after promising not too.  it is important not to take away a self harmers tools because anything and everything can be used to cause harm if the urge is strong enough.

The most important thing I can think of to say to other self harmers is that it is possible to find support and understanding.  It may come at the most unexpected times and from the most unexpected people, but it can and will happen.  I will also say that it is important to understand and accept that there are people who will struggle to understand the behavior, to understand the act itself, but that does not make you a bad or horrible person for cutting.  as i said behavior cutting is a symptom of something more, it is not something that defines who you are.  It is okay to ask for help and support.  It is okay to sit down and just talk to someone about how you are feeling.  The biggest challenge self harmers have is expressing themselves verbally.  we have to relearn to speak, to feel, to live free of being hurt by ourselves or others. 

It may feel like you are alone in your struggles, but you are not.  There is help out there. 

craptastic day...

well ive calmed down..a lot since earlier..i think im still feeling pretty sad but im not on the war path of destruction sad...i did end up b/p this evening...ate until i knew iwould be sick..again..-sigh-  im trading the cutting for the b/p...i just cant do both at the same time..that would be to much..but i need the cutting to decrease and so in its place is the b/p...and im doing stuff like this and it just makes me really wonder how i am in recovery when i am still doing so much to harm myself..if i was being truly honest...oh i dont know..i know today has just not been a great day and i know that i am taking it out on myself..and that my need for comfort was coming out strongly and i wasnt able to get it and so..the next step is attack myself in some way..and i know tomorrow i will hurt a lot from the purging..but ill live with it..the pain reminds me im alive..and im just hoping i guess that i will be more positive and with it tomorrow...maybe not seeing t today also played into my bad mood...i alway see her on tuesday..and today i wasnt able to see her ..cas no more weekly sessions...so yeah..a lot has played into my mood today..

disconnected...

im feeling very sad and upset and hurt right now...

i ..me..am just wanting lots and lots of comfort and not being able to get it is leading to all sorts of not ok thoughts...i know that i am reacting to my doc visit this morning and i should have relized that there would be an aftermath of sorts...but at the time i didnt...i went for labs...and ended up having to stay there for almost 2 hours while they tried and tried and tried some more to get blood drawn...6 times..and one busted vein later  they got enough to send in to be tested...i really hope they got enough ..because im not sure i can do that again...yeah sure i was laughing and joking and what not while there..but it was just the repeated poking and looking and checking and being stuck and them not getting what was needed...repeatedly thrashing the used needles and bottles with just little bits of blood because they couldnt be used..but now the overwhelmingness of it all has set in...the fact that two nurses checked and rechecked me to find a proper vein .. and those its only going to be a little prick are the biggest lies ever...i sat and watched them..each time..i watched..i saw when the nurse popped the vein she was going for..i asked if i was supposed to be seeing that much blood coming out..i watched all the missed attempted and how much i was bleeding underneath the needles...and still i said it was ok..that i would rather get it over and done with now and not have to come back again for them to draw blood..so i stayed and they kept trying...until they got one..that just barely gave enough..and now im left feeling very very sad and alone and hurt..i actually just feel like crying and maybe its an accumulation of a lot of different things..and its just all coming out now..i dont know...but i know that i have to manage and keep it together for about 2 or 3 hours..and then i can go home and crash again..i dont want to think.i dont want to feel anything else..im tired

just crashed last night....

i dont know what happened ..i mean i knew i was really tired when i came home..so i just took my night meds and went and laid down..and ended up sleeping...from like 7:30pm to 5:30am..i wasnt able to do anything..just sleep..i woke up a couple times..but still ended up going back to sleep...i guess missing my naps caught up with me..ugh...im not a fan of days like that because its like i cant get anything done..i just sleep..

just writing....about self harm

"This isn’t a perfect world, people do get hurt.. you smile when you are feeling like crying.. you act like your okay when your falling apart inside.. and you let it go.."

~unknown~

It has been more than ten years,  i dont know how i managed to go so long hurting myself.  I never used to call  it hurting myself because i did not understand that was what i was doing.  I knew I was cutting, I was burning, I banged my wrist on the walls, all i wanted was to make the pain that was inside of me stop.  I didnt realize that the scars wont go away, or that i would be asked what happened over and over and over again.  I have two cats, they scratched me, or well i was in an accident as a child, so many excuses. I promised myself that i would be able to control it.  I promised myself that it would be okay.  I made myself believe that it was okay. 

I started cutting in high school, i broke apart shavers and picked out the small razors.  Tools of the trade can be anything the person wants.  if you want it bad enough, then it is possible to find a way.  Razors, scissors, staples,glass, knives, broken things, sharp things.  anything that will bring you relief from life, from living, from feeling. I wanted to feel nothing, i had been hurt so much that i no longer wanted to feel.  I knew how to associate pain with love and so pain became my punishment.  I could make myself hurt. I could make myself believe that this would be the last time.  i thought that as long s no one knew why would it matter.  As long as i wasnt hurting anyone else why should anyone care.  I was very careful, I was very controlled. I cut but I believed I deserved the pain.  I believed that I was just getting to the inevitable.  I learned that i was my own worst enemy and that i could take anything that i dished out.  no amount of hurting myself was enough, there was always something else.  a memory, a feeling, being hurt, picked on, harmed.  the cutting that i believed i could control became a daily thing.  i kept my razors on me all the time.  i had to have them at all times incase i needed them. Sometimes I took care of the cuts, and i spent a lot of money on first aid supplies.  

I went to college, and things got worse.  I was by myself, pushed into a world that i wasnt prepared for and did not know how to handle.  cutting was my escape, cutting was all mine and no one could make me stop. it didnt matter that the cuts moved from my arms to my legs.  in my anger and pain i cut any and everywhere. i didnt care, i was positive no one would ever see the scars.  i was positive that i would outwit anyone would tried to ask questions or who tried to help.  on the surface i was just a quiet girl, who appeared to be managing, who apperared to be getting by.  no one would think to question the scars that appeared or the bandages that never seemed to go away.  

I was in and out of therapy during college. suddenly i was being told that i was harming myself, that it wasnt okay to cut.  that it wasnt okay to hurt myself.  i didnt understand why anyone would tell me that when i believed with my whole heart that i was worthless, that i deserved to hurt, that it was okay as long as i wasnt hurting anyone else. i thought everyone else was trying to take away from escape. they wanted me to stop, they told me to stop, they threatened, and bribed and guilted me until they got the answers they wanted.  i said okay.  i said i would stop.  i tried to stop but the urges were stronger.  i got better at hiding them, i started burning because they were easier to hide and care for.  no one could take away what i wanted and i wanted to hurt. i needed to hurt. i needed to be able to get away from the pain and the hurt that had stayed inside of me for so long. 

the years passed and cutting stayed with me. i went through college, and graduated. i got a job. i held multiple jobs, and still no one seemed to notice or care.  i did my job. i was just a little bit quiet.  i was a little bit of a loner.  no one needed to know about the razors, the knives, or anything else i was using.  i didnt want to tell anyone ..i didnt want anyone to know of my behaviors that i considered shameful. i was ashamed of the scars that formed. i was frustrated that i couldnt stop.  i was in and out of therapy but i wasnt good at expressing myself verbally.  

to be continued

morning thoughts...

well ive been up once again since like 4:30..stupid meds..i try not to take them to early but im waking up massively early..i think i fell asleep last night about 9:30ish..but yeah so ive been up for a while..at first i wasnt going to do anything at all..but just lay in bed and waste my morning until i had to get ready for church..but that didnt work out as planned..and for what ever reason i ended up eating and purging...now im not completely sure if it was on purpose on not..i was feeling sick after eating so i just helped along a natural occurrence..yeah.. i mean truthfully i was feeling sick..did i HAVE to make myself sick..no...but well its all over and done with now..and i cant help thinking that i am sabotaging myself yet again...which is what i was supposed to be writing about any way..my consistent need/urge for self sabotage...its like yesterday was to low key..yesterday i talked to much..i was around to many people for to long..whatever it is about yesterday that made it almost ok..meant that today i had to just start off on the wrong foot...the hope is that now that ive b/p i wont do anything else..and that ill be able to keep myself distracted and busy and all of that good stuff...thats the hope..but i am going to church..and maybe to a couple stores..and then home because i have got to do paperwork tonight/tomorrow morning..i have to stay caught up..

jessica is not going to be in church today and i think that has me feeling a little bit on edge..im slowly getting used to not sitting with her all the time now..but i like knowing that she is there and that she will give me a hug..but shes not there today..and she told me that on wed..so i guess ive had time to prepare...but it makes my need to hide and all of that become more prominent and stuff..and that is a problem..if i take any more of the klonpin ill fall asleep in church..its bad enough that ill be fighting sleep with just the one that i am supposed to take in the am...but i actually didnt nap yesterday either..yay me..i think i wanted too though...but i managed to stay awake..

i cant get a conversation out of my head from yesterday...and im not sure about the whole writing my story and sharing it..and yada yada yada...and i think its more of an attention thing...like to much attention..but at the same times its like what is it going to hurt..writing part of it?  sharing it? crap i would prolly take jessica a copy anyway..because the piece of it that i think im dancing around is that..if i share it..then i have to accept it..not like it or forget it or anything..but just accept it..own that it happened..and that its affected me..and so on and so forth...but i keep trying to just blend myself into the back ground and just not share or tell or say anything...but what has that gottten me??  nothing but more hurt and shame and guilt that i shouldnt have to carry around... so i keep thinking..and wondering and trying to figure out what i would say..how much i would say... but the other piece of it that i am thinking about is what is it that caused me to be the way i am now ?  i have mental challenges..i guess if i was being technical then it would be that i have a mental illness..but which one is it that i have..i know what i dont have..and i know enough about all of them to be able to pretty much guess what it is that i have been dx'd with...i mean most of the time i dont want to know..i can group it all under depression...but well self harm isnt under depression..self harm is lumped into the bpd, or eating disorders, or possibly bipolar .. but i dont think its under depression..and actually what one therapist said was that it was ptsd with severe self harm...joy..

but i think that it is the self harm that causes me the most shame...no the purging causes the most shame..but the self harm isnt far off ... but the problem i have is that not many ppl understand it..and im not comfortable talking about it..because of that whole judging thing...but at the same time how are people supposed to being to understand it or know about it..if there is no one willing to talk about it?  and i guess it makes me feel trapped because i could talk about it..admit i do it..have done it..still do it ..whatever.. but i could also explain why..the reasons behind..the differences between self harm and suicide..and etc..i know all the information.. i am the information..my life is the reasons..but who is going to know that ? ugh .. it upsets me that there is shame associated with self harm..i mean yeah i do my fair share of it...but i need to work on not doing that...because the self harm is a symptom..it is not a death sentence..so yeah..i dont know just yet ..what it is that i want to do...but the need to write is there...i need to write something..i just cant seem to organize my thoughts enoguh to get it down and let it make any sense...

im supposed to be an advocate..a supporter..a listener..a helper...and that means that i cant keep hiding...i cant keep pretending that reality is not there...it means i have to talk..and talk..and talk some more...i will make people listen to me..and i will prove that i am not crazy ..because im not..i have challenges that involve me hurting myself..but i am not crazy..because i can hurt myself and be quite logical about the whole thing...but im feeling suddenly very just upset i guess..so i guess i need to get up and get moving or something..

i really need to organize my thoughts...

today ...well today has not gone as planned at all..it was different..not in a bad way exactly..just different...but before i write about that i need to go back a few days and update my crazy therapy issues and what not..

im really not sure what i want to do about therapy..i know that i still need to be in therapy..i know that i still have a lot to work through but im still upset i think...sad that its come to this point and i really am just unsure of what it is i want to do..what i need to do...i think taking a break from therapy for a while may be the best idea...i really do...my therapist is right in that i am very dependent on the idea of therapy and not therapy itsself..i want her to fix me but i dont want to do the work..because i know that she will keep being there to pick up my broken pieces and somehow stick me together enough to make it through another week...i rely on her..on my director..on kathy..on lady..on denise..i rely on all of them to fix me and make me better and then im upset when they say that wont coddle me..that they wont be my crutch..crap i just want a crutch ..and i think that is my problem right now..that im not depending on myself to help myself at all..and maybe linda is seeing that and that is what she is trying to get me to see..but im my mind all i got was her attacking me in a way and telling me that ive once again screwed up...and as i write this i realize that there is a plan forming..not to die...but to live...oh i want linda in a different way than i want my supervisor or lady or denise..but they are not able to help in the way that i want them to help me...maybe its that i am being forced to think and accept that i cant have a parent..not the way i want one..and that trying to replace the one i have is getting me no where..and i just end up hurt and upset when i think my needs arent being met..and the problem is that my needs are so far out there that i dont think anyone can meet them..because i want this perfect parent that will be loving and supportive and understanding and not mad at me...never mad at me..and help me and love me..and yes there is a trend here..ugh..but again it was one of those ..everyone is telling me the same thing and so that means i need to look at myself and figure out what in the hell it is that i am doing that is causing this to keep happening...i need to take responsibility for my actions..and as much as i dont want to look into that mirror of obviousness..i guess i have no choice....because earlier this week when i was feeling so hurt and upset when i ws told that i wouldnt be able to see my therapist on a weekly basis anymore..and that i owed so much money that i wouldnt be able to go back to weekly at all...and my need to lash out and hurt myself where just going crazy..instead i over medicated and just slept and zoned out majorly...but even that as to end at some point..and i have to come back to myself..and i have to realize that this is not going to kill me..this is not the end of the world...that i still have to get up in the morning and live throughout the day..i am still very very sad ...but it is becoming a little bit more manageable..a little bit..but i realize that once again maybe linda is right..i have become so dependent that therapy right now is not as helpful as it could be...but to get me to do anything differently i have to be forced to make a different decision.i have to be pushed up against the wall and made to make a choice..and it has taken me days to even get into a place where i can consider the possibility of managing without therapy...or having that support...and as much as i want to whine and moan and throw a tantrum i know that it wont do anything for me...

so that kinda brings me to today..i mean mood wise ive been pretty netural the past couple days i think..and yes it helped that i got paid yesterday and went shopping ..after paying some bills of course..blah

but i had to work a little bit this morning and so i was up and out of the house super early..but i did my work stuff and then kinda just went to the wrap class thingy that i had been wanting to go too..i convinced myself to go because well i was in the area and i wasnt doing anything..and well i can be depressed at home at any time...so i went..even though i was scared and slightly panicked..but i went ..and it turned out to be not what i expected...i mean the area i kinda knew but i dont spend a lot of time on e broad..but i knew of the place Hilltop Promises..but i hadnt ever been in there..and that is where the class was at ... so not only wans i going to be around new ppl..i was going to be in a new area, a new building, a new everything..and i did strongly consider just giving up and leaving .. because i kept telling myself that i was ok and that i didnt need to be there and that it wasnt going to be able to help me..the instructor person was running a bit late..and so i did have to deal a little bit with the random dude trying to ask for my number ..blah...but the class started and all of that..and because of where it was at ..my attention was all over the place..i was listening and not listening..and i was hearing the music and seeing the other people coming and going and so yeah ..it was super hard to focus..but after about an hour or so things started calming down and things got a little easier to hear and understand..and so i was able to pay a bit more attention...and all to soon the class was over..and i just kinda stayed at the place..i mean really where else was i going to go??  what did i have to do?? so i stayed and talked to heather about the wrap program..and other stuff..and we talked about other stuff..and i had my moment of bad example making by talking about alcohol with the 13yr old community service chick..but i mean we did have a good conversation about strippers and school and kids and i guess i sorta miss having conversations like that...just a good debate ..i mean i may not be good at talking but i do like having a good conversation at times..but anyhoo..i ended up talking to heather off and on while there..and i end up triggering myself a little bit ..and became way to interested in the staples i was playing with at the time..so i finally had to get them away from me..and instead worked on grounding myself by writing my name a bagillion times until i was able to get out of the sudden not so great place i had ended up in...but i did..and it was ok...kept talking about wrap and talked some about myself and all of that..weird i know but she asked if she could share my story...in the newsletter thing...and i wanted to say no...i may have really wanted to say no but instead i think i just told her that i didnt have a story..that i had nothing to say..that i wasnt an inspiration or a hope to anyone...i dont mean to be so negative..but its just attention and being noticed and all of that makes me afraid and nervous...so i told her she could write it and i would read it and let her know what i thought about it...i told her i would consider writing something about myself for the news letter..but im not sure yet..but i did say i would let her use some of my collages..so there was a lot going on in my head right now..and im wondering if ive said to much..if ive put myself out there just to be hurt again .. i mean i talked about the self harm and depression and meds..all without getting into major details ..but i mean serious stuff....which again made me realize that no matter how much i try or how much i may want to be seen as being normal and whole..that its the normal and whole world that is not so accepting of me and my behaviors..but today..while at hilltop and just being there..i was accepted..no questions asked..i felt accepted..and i got hugs.from one lady.more than one ..and i didnt even ask! but i guess i just noticed it so much because ive felt so unaccepted lately..and so just by myself in all of this..and how separated i am because of the cutting..its not that i have a mental illness or that i have issues or problems .. its that i am a cutter that causes the most judging and misconceptions...if i said i was depressed ok fine..anxious, ok no problem...but i cut..oh hell no..you are going to hell type conversations happen..and its like shocking..because i do feel that it is not fair ..and it is hurtful..and it is hard to feel understood in a world that doesnt accept or understand my behaviors...and so it is hard..but anyhoo not what i was going to write about...umm just ..i think its just been a lot of day for me..i spent more than 4 hours around other people..i think my docs would call that a success...

so yeah i think my head was just on overload a bit and i needed to write some things out...still thinking .. on a lot of different things...

memory issues ...

today has been a frustrating day...i mean yeah ive been feeling sad ..but i was able to manage as much as i could..got a little zoned out  a few times ..but managed to see 3 clients today..and i didnt take a nap today..that is a good thing i think..but now im just like super tired ...and oh well

my head has been moving a bit slow today..and im feeling very forgetful..i had to keep reminfing myself that today was thursday and not friday..i was getting upset that i couldnt remember...and then well i realized that my whole week is kinda missing ..ugh..not my kinda day at all ...

i dont care

massive i dont care mode right now..i dont want to get up..i dont want to go to work..i dont want to do anything but just like lay here...trying to get up.. i am..but its taking forever..and again im just having a hard time caring today

tired

this morning i am really very tired and dont want to get up at all..i just want to spend the day laying in bed..im not sure if its a depression thing or if i am just really tired..i was up a bit later than usual last night chatting..but well ive gotta get up ..

yesterday i finally got all of my late work turned in..im no longer behind..yay me..it took me forever it feels like to get it all done...but well yeah all caught up..and that does make me happy..but well yeah..

my mind is moving a bit slowly riight now..and im not sure what im trying to say..so i guess im gonna go..

yes

whats holding you back?

im feeling very sad  right now...well sad and upset since yesterday ..but the anger is a bit more under control right now...but since im not able to process all that happened yesterday without placing heavy heavy blame on myself..im not sure there is much point to this at all...but ill write it anyway..

therapy was yesterday..and it became one of those tough love sessions as linda likes to call them...but pretty much we talked about my need for attention and how i am going about getting it in negative ways...we talked about my manipulative behaviors..we talked about the fact that my freaking bill is so high that i cant see her on a weekly basis anymore...that it has to be every other week or less than that ..she said that i need to become less dependent on her..she said that she should have had better boundaries with me..but in my head all i am hearing is that ive messed up again...im using the cutting for attention ..i need to much  help.. its my fault that im once again feeling as if i am being pushed away..pushed aside...she told me that if i felt i needed more therapy than every other week then i would need to find a different therapist...i dont want a different therapist..i wanted her..but again she decides to set boundaries now and now i want to push through them all until i get what i want..and i just want attention ..i want someone to pay attention to me..am i dependent on her..no..am i dependent on therapy..yes..i want therapy..i want to be able to talk to someone..i want it to be a part of my schedule.  it helps me..because i cant help myself...and so yesterday it was once again..lets hold up a mirror and look at ourselves and see what it is that is happening ..and what it is that we are doing...it may not be on purpose but its still happening all the same..and now it feels like i am being just left to my own devices..and i feel like no one at all is on my side..and everyone is just screaming at me to do better, to be better, to just be more..to be normal...i hate to be the one to break the bad news but the normal train left my life a long damn time ago...im hurt..i feel like a stupid failure for once again not being able to do what i was supposed to do or expected to do...and this is the consequence...im being cut off from my main support..and pushed out into a world that doesnt accept me..what the hell am i supposed to do?  my fears have kicked up big time...how am i supposed to manage myself without help??  who is going to put order to the chaos that is my head??  i cant do this by myself..i cant..

im afraid to trust myself with myself..im afraid to trust that i could possibly actually manage without the extra assistance and support...i could be fooling myself horribly and am just heading for a break down..i dont know..right now im just upset about all of it..and feel the need to just not go back to therapy for a while..cant see her next week anyway..so why bother..im mad at her and told her so..but for the past almost 12 years ive been in and out of therapy so much..i went i stopped and then i went again..sometimes i tried ..sometimes i didnt..ok a lot of time i didnt ..

i want everyone else to fix me..i want the meds to make me happy..i want my therapist to organize my head and get me to stop hating myself..i want everyone to support and accept me...but i dont want to be any part of it..and i guess that is what the problem is...wanting so much from everyone else and not being able to deal with myself or deal with accepting myself or any thing that involved me myself and i...im afraid of myself..im afraid of who i am..im afraid of who i could be...change is a hard thing yes...but basing change on years of learned behaviors..years of having to figure out how to get what i wanted or needed without outright asking for it...there is so much old stuff to get through and yes i keep hanging on to it because im afraid of what it would be like to just let it go..and i know i cant magically erase all of the past..because the past has effected my present..but not having such a hold on it would be a good thing. ..

but in the end its just me .. i have to deal with me..i have to live with me.. and im afraid that i cant do it..oh i can manage and get by and do enough not to kill myself...but with no one else holding my accountable for anything .. its like i cant promise anything...

i really dont know why ive been cutting so much again..but i see no point in stopping now...

im sorry

i hold my own self back
i sabotage my own self
i hurt myself and make myself believe i deserve it
i hate myself
i hate being alone but i push everyone away
and
i feel the need to go back to pretending
im fine
im fine
im fine

nothing else really matters...as long as i get up and go to work and do all the daily stuff im supposed to do..thats all anyone cares about..as long as i am seen every so often..then i am a functioning member of society and nobody gives a flying fuck about anything else about me or what im doing or how im doing..no one..its wrong to be dependent on others..and i remember that now..i want to be left alone. i dont need anyone at all. i just dont.

i am my own worst enemy ... and im hellishly good at it

another morning

ive noticed that i am not drowning in depression but that i am depressed..and it maybe that i have been inside to long and need to get out of the house for a bit...and with work and turning stuff in today.. i guess i will be out of the house...its not been that ive been trapped inside..just had nothing to do really..and no money to do anything..and im trying hard not to just create a mess for the hell of having a mess to deal with..

in the mixed up days of the past two weeks ..with the major med changes and that crazy head stuff..i was scratching..and i learned that my 'light' scratching caused some scars...which wouldlnt matter but they were on my lower arms and the obviousness of what i did just stares me i nthe face and i am ashamed..very ashamed..i couldnt control myself..and i know that i am just going to have to move past them but right now i just look at them and it makes me sad..it makes me sad that once again it took physical pain to get through to myself..to calm down..to function in some way..im trying hard not to do it again..but at the same time i start feeling anxious and its like ..ok i dont even need a razor anymore..im no longer going for the massive damage..i just want to be able to get away from the inside hurt for a while..but all the smae..cutting, scratching, burning, purging, they are all the same thing..they all hurt at some point...and i can ignore it all that i want too..and i can ..but its other peoples reactions that concern me more..like why is it that they are scared and worried..and im like umm i have it under control..its not that big of a deal..but obviously that is just me and my confusion ..and misbeliefs ..i swear ...

but i dont know ..something is bothering me on a low grade level...like its there but its evading me and i cant figure out what it is..its just that something is bothering me..but i dont know..i mean gee my sudden lack of inhibition when it comes to sex and masturbation and all of that makes me feel crazy..and the odd thing is that the 'fantasy' i guess is the same one..over and over and over..and any way i try to explain it.it involves someone being hurt...either intentionally or she is being tricked into believing that she wants something and is a willing participant...but its wrong to make someone think they want something when they dont..you can convince a child to think they are a willing participant in sex and i hope every single person that does that burns in hell..but anyway..my dreams are taking on a familiar form again i think...me and two other girls..one i know im related to and one im not..but i am the oldest..and so i am technically the first target..but if i refuse they others get hurt..which means that either way i am forced to be do everything i dont want to do..and when even that fails and one of the others is hurt anyway..then it all just gets messy and confusing and i dont know...i wake up afraid...and then sometimes i dont want to leave the dream beacause afterhurt comes comfort..and i want to be comforted..i want to be protected..i can ignore what it takes to get that comfort..

right now its like no matter what intimacy and sex and all of that is in my head and has taken up residence and it is a struggle to remain in control and not go out and lseep with any one..i dont care..i want to know what it feels like to be touched and loved...i keep thinking that if i wasnt so shy and scared ..i truly would have been a slut..just for the physical aspect of things..the touching and caring and want..ok in my head that is what it would have been..and i would have done anything for it...but im not an expressive person and tend to shy away from relationships like that..and so i went to the other end of the spectrum and just refused to be near anyone partically...oh im find when im around people who i know are taken..because then there is no pressure for me preform..there is no pressure for me to get anyone to like me..i dont want anyone liking me..i cant stand the thought of anyone being in bed with me or near me or wanting anything from me..but lately i realize that sex would involve all of the things that i dont like or really want...but my judgement is lapsing right now..and i think of really stupid things...very very stupid things to do..and its like there is this itch that just cant be scratched..and oh ive tried..gosh darn ive tried and still its there and just as strong and bothersome...oh dear god i feel like i need to have a conversation with linda today about sex and i think it may kill me..

not to mention that i sorta think im attracted to someone at the church i go to..which is a huge no no..please dont let it be an attraction....i know nothing about her...im afraid of what i think i want from her..becuase it is not the same parenting type stuff that i want from some of the women there.. and then there is the sorta long distance relationship..that is just confusing ..and still im ready to like sleep with freaking anyone and that is going to need to stop...like now..that would be really awesome...im not a slut..and im not a whore..and i dont want to be touched..i dont i dont i dont i dont i dont .. crap i do..my head is full of all of these ideas and situations and control vs no control..and my fear...even in my head my fear stops me..and i think that is a major part of my issues with being in a relationship...one being i dont have the slightest idea of what im doing..but more than that is the issue that i will become so afraid in the middle of something happening and i can see that not ending well...i see this happening in my head and im begging for them to stop and to leave me alone..sometimes it works..more often it doesnt ..and its like no.. you got it started and so that means you will have to finish it..and still i end up hurt..how does that make sense...not even in my dreams do i have compelete control...even in my dreams i am still hurt, chased, forced, played with, pushed around, lost, forgotten, chased, so much running from the fear..fear of being caught, fear of being trapped..but there is no one to protect me..sometimes i cant even protect myself ... but i dont think i fight back very often...i try to avoid..escape..hide..get away...but not fight back...

and once someone told me that in dreams you have to replace everyone with yourself..and then work on understanding what is going on...becuase if thats the case then the most obvious thing is that i am still hurting and trying to protect myself all at the same time..and there is no balance..i try to protect to smaller sadder parts of myself..but im leaving myself open to constant violent attacks against me..and that no amount of running an hiding is going to do it..it always finds me..and takes me..and i end up hurt in some way...promising to be good..promising to keep the secrets..promising promising and more promising..i still promise to be a good girl..i promise to follow the rules and do what im told..i promise and promise and in return all i get is pain and hurt and confusion...i promise..i promised to be good..to be quiet..its like i just tiptoe around it all in my head..if i dont touch it or acknowledge it then i can pretend its not there..and that i can keep the illusion that i am not hurting and sad and afraid...

something i am noticing lately though..is that for as much as i want to be accepted by others..by everyone..its not going to happen like that..and with like church..yes i can be accepted but that means no talking about certain behaviors of mine..oh ok fine...and yes this past sunday my anxiety was up and down but manageable and i only get really panicked once or twice and started shaking...but i managed..i guess..i didnt really listen because my paranoia was kicking in big time and feeling like everyone is watching me and judging me..and gosh darn i was i nthe second darn row!! kill me now..but i went because i got to sit with denise..and that is its own set of issues for me...because i want her in a parent role..and will ask her for bunches of hugs because im not afraid of being hurt by her...because of how i was feeling i didnt let the bishop hug me yesterday..but i was able to be in his office for a little while..with his family in there...im not sure i would have managed one on one in his office..but his office smells like soap..i havent been able to figure out what kind it is..but i like the smell of his office...i raided the candy jars and told them they had stinky candy selections...and was told that then i should just bring in my own candy to put in the dishes..and i want to be accepted by them so so much...and lady is a woman who is very used to be listened to and having her request completed..and so me and my need to refuse and fight and be passive aggressive when im upset about something makes HER uncomfortable..i would say mad but im not sure about that..because again its not as if i am doing drugs ..or drinking so much i cant function..but whatever..and i think one of my issues is that i do need things to be repeatitive..i need to have the same questions answered and reanswered until i understand..until it makes sense to me..and its not that i dont listen..i just have a hard time with processing and reasoning out things in a way that makes sense to more than just me..ugh ..

but im getting sleepy ..so i have to stop writing...i really am sleepy

sometimes i dont have the words

and this would be the draw back of my job

if i could just scream in frustration right now i would...i really really would...

one of my clients is upset with me..and left me a message telling me that it was of course MY fault that she missed her meeting...now i would feel bad if i hadnt tried to get her..or called and let her know i was running late.. i wasnt messing around at home or just wasting time..i was in the damn office because i needed to talk to my supervisor and we went a little bit over and so yes i was running a bit late..but i could have been to her and she wouldnt have missed her meeting..but she didnt call me until hours later..to tell me that it was my fault she didnt go...and so i call ed her back and left the most sickeningly upbeat message i could manage..because again this is one of those clients that i have just bent backwards for and something comes up and now im in the wrong in some major way..and it just pisses me off...so i attempted to call her today.to set up for this week...and well she let me know that she had it covered..and i said ok...what did she think i was going to do??? beg her??? no i said ok..and let her know i was available...i apologized yet again..and hung up...and yep i am feeling so very very pissed off right now..which is why i am writing instead of doing anything else...im really mad..and feel like i am at fault ..because no if it was that important she could have walked...she has already told me she doesnt even care about the meetings and only go for the food..but whatever...she can blame me if it will make her feel better...ill just send an email to my supervisor and give her a heads up..and i guess ill just wait it out..and see what happens...you know...i just have way to much other stuff going on right now to be that concerned with this particular client..and maybe that makes me awful..and selfish and all sorts of things..but this woman is not a child...she is making her choices..and she has to live with the outcomes not me..and so she can accept the help or not..i really dont care at this point...and maybe that is just the anger speaking right now...who knows...im just pissed off...

i think i can safely say that the meds are taking affect...im as chill as ive ever been .  sleepy to but so so so very chill..im calm and quiet and the motivation comes and goes.but i know ill be  cleaning and stuff later today after church...thats the plan...but now i have to get up and moving or im going to be late for church...let the fun times begin...

more thoughts about religion...

i think lately i have been trying to figure out what it is about religion and god that is escaping me..what is it about god and faith that i am missing..what is it that is wrong with me that i am not able to believe like everyone else seems to believe...

what ive learned though is that i am still that hurt little kid who is so upset and hurt that god didnt do what i was made to believe he would do..i lost faith in god and religion and now i dont know how to get it back..or if i even want it back.. why do the hurts from so long ago still affect me so very much? why am i still that small scared child and that i cant see this through an adults eyes..i get upset and scared.and once i am in that space then it is really hard for me to come back to myself..it is hard for me to understand what is happening and to understand what is being said..and i feel distrustful..and i just dont understand .. the problem though is who do i explain this too?  who is going to be able to get down on my level? who is going to be able to deal with all the hurt that comes pushing to the surface when the topic of god and religion is given to me? who is willing to talk to me from the beginning and really hear my fear and hurt without judgement or condemning me for it...who is willing to do that with me?? and i dont think i am in the right place to accept it..but i also dont think i have found the right person to teach me...i have found people that i will listen..that i can hear sometimes..people who i want to connect with so very much...but because of my issues i fear that i wont be able to really connect...not in the way that i want to anyway..because my issues led to behaviors that i am learning a lot of people are not comfortable with.and have trouble talking about...its not that i am always negative and suicidial and wanting to die..but my need to talk about these topics is a big big deal..they are a part of who i am right now..i need to talk about them..i need to see them and understand them and not hide from them...and if i dont talk to someone else about it then i am just hiding ..and hiding leads to things that are worse than just the desire to talk about it...a desire to live isnt going to be all that keeps me alive..no amount of all this sudden positiveness is going to save me..maybe it will help..maybe listening and questioning is where i am at right now..i dont know..sometimes i do feel such a connection to what is being talked about..and sometimes its like i am connecting with nothing at all..and i would like to not be talked about as if i am possessed..

but i guess the biggest question is why do i keep going back??? if i am struggling so much? if i am so doubtful and fearful..why do i keep going back?? isnt it like just setting myself up for failure..setting myself up to be hurt?? to be left confused and alone because its hard for people to understand me and my situation..i dont want to be seen as special..i dont want to be seen as crazy..but really i guess all you would have to do is look at my arms and wonder if i am crazy or not..but going back...i go back because i want the care...the concern..i almost dont care that i  get nothing from the 'service' .it is the people that i want..well some of them..i want the hugs..i want to be with other people...i mean maybe its just not for me..who know..but basing all of my current religious decisions on a couple hurtful conversations doesn't seem all that fair either..so ill give it more time..ill go and listen an think and wonder and question...i wont blindly follow though..i cant...

feeling very fuzzy and out of it...

so im sorta hiding in the library today..i did go to work this morning and turn in some stuff..but i still have a bit to turn in and of course all the monthly/quarterly stuff is due now too..and so im trying to stay put and get stuff done..but my head is off in its own little world and what i really want to do is just to go and lay down and go to sleep..but i figure i can known out the stuff due today and then ill be caught up and i can stop worrying about it..im tired of worrying about it..and it is just adding on to my amounts of stress anyway..

im not sure what i wanted to write about anymore..my head is just bothering me a lot today...i dont think i slept good last night..
i dont know..
i dont know a lot today..

prozac and klonipin...means ill be taking a nap real soon...ive been up since four and im feeling it...big time feeling it

highly pissed off...

i dont know what it is ..i really dont..that has me obviously acting like i have no sense when i go to church...bloody freaking hell what is it??? what am i doing or saying or not saying that has people getting the idea that i am the most negative person alive..and that i am not being positive enough and that i am just like a step from death at all hours of the day??!! what the hell?? it makes me upset because im being told that im being so negative and making it seem like my problems are so special and its like holy cow..no im not..crap it take me forever and a day to even admit that something is even going on..and well ok right now im a little bit more vocal about it because of my meds being wrong and so yes i am feeling badly..and no damn amount of positiveness is touching my mood right now..im tired and sick and headachey and dizzy and flippin cow im sorry if im having yet another bad day..ok im freaking sorry..but really all im learning is that in this particular environment..me being me and asking for help or support has to be in a very careful and none straightforward way..because if im to straightforward with it then i end up with pl telling me that im just being negative..and that i need to decide what it is that i want and if i believe in god and blah blah blah..if i knew if i believed then do you think i would always feel so confused when i go to church??? do you think i would look at you like you are crazy when you are asking me all these questions relating to god and i dont have any freaking answers for you??  obviously my religious education had some short comings..and some big darn gaping holes because there is just a lot that i am not connecting with..which in turn makes me feel rather stupid..and tonight at bible study i really wasnt understanding and so listening to it just made me feel really anxious and stupid and like i really was going to go to hell so then what was the point in me doing a damn thing differently...but pretty much tonight was about how to know if you have accepted god or something along those lines and its like well if you have then you have spoken in tongues...now i have watched ppl speak in tongues ..in church..and it freaks me out..i dont understand it..it scares me..but according to the bible study tonight i am just lacking horribly and ive never spoken in tongues so my whole role in getting to heaven has been like short changed..because i have somehow missed the guidebook for this is what is supposed to happen in order for you to go to heaven..

maybe i am holding on to childhood beliefs and misconceptions..ok i know i am holding on to them..because i still dont understand..i dont understand why it is that i prayed and asked for help and did what i had to do or what i was taught to do..and i ended up being hurt over and over and over again..and i prayed so hard for help and i prayed so hard to be saved..i think there were times that i just prayed to die so that it would be over and done with..and nothing changed..nothing happened..how do you explain to a child that god didnt hear them?  that god somehow missed there requests for help?? how do you explain to that hurt adult that for whatever reason god has some divine plan for you and you had to stay where you were..what sense does that make?? who wants to hear that?? oh well you know we wanted you to grow into a strong adult and so we just decided to let you suffer and watched you and made sure you didnt die..but you had to deal with everything else?  who in the hell wants to be told that?? what hurt adult wants to be told that well god is this all caring all power being and that you can talk to him and he will hear you and he will be able to give you assistance and help..i mean no not like dropping money out of the sky..but like you know you wont feel alone and that you will find the strength to get through and all of this...how can you expect an adult that grew up with a completely different belief system to suddenly buy all of this and believe it and understand it...how can you expect this adult to just wipe away years and years of hurt and pain and confusion when it comes to religion ..because right NOW the message she is getting is that god is great, and god loves, and god forgives..and if you believe and have faith then god will provide for you..really ???  obviously my faith buttons are broken..my trust buttons are broken..and still i go and go and go and hope for something to change..hope for something to happen..something to become better..im waiting for god to speak to me..but really i think i just want someone to explain it to me..i want answers to the questions that ive had for years..i want to be told why it is that it was me..why was i the one that got hurt..why was i the one that grew up and came to associate pain with love and safety and security..why was i the one whose trust was broken and rebroken over and over and over..and now im being expected to blindly follow the flock...im suddenly supposed to follow the rules for a god that i dont believe in, a god i have no faith in, a god that i cant see or hear, a god that i am told about through other people?? is it even okay to say that i am mad at god..i think i was told once that i couldnt blame god...because god wasnt the one hurting me..maybe that is true..but in my child mind..god was at fault..god is at fault..because god didnt protect me..god didnt save me..god didnt help me..as a child i was taught that god was the protector i think..god was there for you..i mean as much as a child can understand..

but now i am an adult..and suddenly i am struggling with all of this again..all of the confusion and doubt..i want answers..and no one can give them to me..no one can explain to me why things happened that happened...plenty of people can tell me to forgive though..plenty of people can tell me to let it go and move on...and i cant let it go..i cant because i dont understand it..because these questions come from the core of my being ..it is not that i just woke up one morning and decided that today was the day i was going to lose faith in god and religion...no ..this was a steady thing..a learned thing..a learned belief..how can you explain to the hurt child ? how do you explain to the hurting child the reasons for what happened?  the reasons behind what happened?  how do you explain how god has played into it? and where the blame needs to go?

i dont care what anyone says...you cant fix the broken adult without first healing the broken child...and to do that you have to find and acknowledge the child..you have to hear the questions..listen to the fears..give her the protection and security, and safety that she needs...the broken child has to be able to heal and grow..because without her..the broken adult will never be able to be whole...never

i do remember though now ..why it is that religion and church were never truly places of  comfort for me...maybe it is just that i havent been taught it correctly..maybe its that i just havent had a chance to really have someone help me figure out what it is that i want to know and why...but i do know..that positivity is being shoved down my throat and i dont like it one bit...i dont mean to come across as being this all special yes i have problems being...my meds have been screwy lately and yes im having trouble containing myself..and panicking and being around so many people still makes me very nervous and on edge...what am i supposed to do?  who am i supposed to ask?  because im sorry but in my small little world i am still just beginning to learn that its ok to ask for help and support..and im not good at it by any means..i struggle with it and accepting that i even have stuff to struggle with..and its like my asking for help is just coming across as being negative and always talking about dying...so cutting and dying and two off limit topics for church...how does that make sense?? damn it maybe my problems are to darn special cas im not able to talk about them in normal conversation.. yes i can talk about being depressed but then i have to talk about how god is going to heal me..i can talk about financial issues but then i have to hear about how i have to give to receive..but if i talk about cutting or suicide..then im just going to hell because its wrong and bad and not acceptable... thank you religion for teaching me that there are guidelines that have to be followed within the church..thank you for showing me that i am not only weird and a freak..im a weird crazy freak with a ticket to hell because god forbid i ever have a conversation about the true extent of the conversations i have with myself..ill be scheduled for an exorcism faster than i can spell my name... im glad thats gotten all cleared up..maybe ill sleep a little bit easier tonight because of it..

is it really any wonder that ppl tend to look for answers and acceptance in all the 'wrong' places..and with all the 'wrong' things... because they are repeatedly rejected again and again within the normal standards of society..they have no where else left to go..

i dont care

things are not going well. if i could leave it at that i would. i really would.  but the feelings of being trapped and alone and upset and tearful and overwhelming me still from yesterday..and even writing this im afraid im going to have a breakdown and start crying or something and have to go and hide in the shower so no one will know..

i had to get a tetanus shot yesterday. because of all the recent cutting and scratching and stuff..of course my pdoc would tell my reg doc..silly me for thinking otherwise..i did get the shot..but it wasnt the shot that got me all out of sorts..it was the fact that the shot had to be given in my arm and that meant i had to take my shirt off..no ifs ands or buts about it..it had to come off so that could reach my arm.the problem..the big big big problem with that is that the bulk of my scars are on my upper arms..and no one ever ever sees them. no one. ive managed to not  fully undress in front of anyone for a very very long time. and to be told that i have to have the shot and that it has to be in my upper arm was not a good thing...i did it..and it was a very exposing and shameful thing..no the nurse didnt say anything at all..but it was just having my shirt off like thatand having someone else see my arms on a day when my head is already going crazy wasnt a good thing..they said the shot would cause a little bit of soreness..the liars...my arm fucking hurts..and i am feeling very hateful and upset and i dont want to be around anyone at all right now...

the biggest issue right now is that im being taken off the effexor completely..just got it back..just was starting to feel okay again..just to be told that i will have to come off of it becuase they cant get it through the assistance programs anymore..lucky lucky me..so my options yesterday..go ahead and come off of it..i told the doctor coming off of it makes me crazy..and i feel awful..im dizzy every time i stand up..i cant think..i cant process..i dont care about anything at all..i want to go away..please just make all of this stop..

logically i know that i shouldnt be working today..i know that .. because im at my breaking point..but ive already said that i would be at work and i have ppl waiting for me and expecting me and i have to go and i just want to scream and hide because i really think im losing my mind right now. and i cant even do that because i have to go to work ..and that means i have to keep it together and i tried..i tried to explain yesterday and ask for support and no one was available and everyone forgot about me..and its ok...stupid me for expecting anyone to actually get my message and call me ..i already knew i didnt matter so there is no point in asking for anything at all...everyone can need something from me..everyone ..but i cant get anything from anyone else and darn me for trying to ask..

i am angry. angry angry angry.  never once in my life have i been put first for anyone..by anyone..never once was my needs placed before anyone elses..never ever ever. and now all i want to be first for someone..anyone..i want to be the important one. i want to feel like i matter..why do i have to forgive anyone?? why do i have to suffer because of what happened to me?? its not fair ? im hurt ..i was hurt. i am mad that i was hurt so much..

i am bored enough that i WANT to go to work...what is wrong with this picture ????!!!!

weekends = increased craziness

ugh..i could scream in frustration ... i am struggling right now to not do anything stupid...im not feelling like im going to do anything but its just the thoughts..blah...im bored and annoyed that i havent been able to sleep like i wanted to..maybe i slept to much during the week..who knows..i dont even want to write this really...ugh..im just annoyed with everything right now..and frustrated... ill be ok

i watched sucker punch last night

Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!

It's like we talked about,you control this world.Let the pain go,let the hurt go,let the guilt go.What you are imagining right now,that world you control.That place can be as real as any pain. 
-----

those two quotes really make sense to me... i am my own worst enemy..i am fighting myself so hard...