yucky miserable week

well...ive been sick all week..miserablly sick and tired and out of sorts all freaking week...im finally almost feeling normal but im still having trouble with congestion and what not in the mornings and at night..its a miserable existence...really..i actually want to take a nap right now..

im feeling a little bit down because of my eating yesterday and today..i feel like a failure you know...making bad choices..i mean on one hand yes im sick and tired and just want some comfort food..and im just getting annoyed and frustrated with everything that i cant have...maybe this will all make more sense you know when i find out exactly what it is that i can and cant have...i hate that ive just been told all of this information and its like ok figure out what to do...and so i am frustrated..and on one hand i hate how restircitve eating has become...i hate how everything single thing has to be planned out...and how much time i spend thinking about and planning what i can and cant have..without any guidance.. so yes the past couple days are been kinda pretty not great eating wise...could have been a lot worse you know...but i havent binged on fast food.no matter how much i wanted to..and i would have truly killed for pizza or a cheeseburger last night...i think i could have..ugh instead i had left over tacos...yum i know..and then this morning it seems breakfast consisted of left over snack size kit kats..like 8 of them annoying things..and then the icing on the cake (that i cant have) is that i went to the grocery store...first mistake is that i went hungry..and ended up picking up some chicken fingers and potato wedges for lunch..i could have made so many other choices..but no..i wanted it..and so i had them..and now i feel so guilty and stupid..like ive ruined things for myself or something...
ive used my crockpot today to make like chicken taco things with black beans and tomatoes..and you know got the low fat cheese and let, and tomato..but i went and got reg flour tortillas...again because i wanted them..and because im sick of not being able to have anything good..and its like what am i willing to give up you know..i have bought a loaf of bread in two weeks..ive had subway and quiznos once each this week..both on wheat bread..i havent packed my lunch and i ended up so very hungry throughout the day..and well yeah not the best week at all...

all in all i think ive lost maybe 12 pds or so in the past 2 and a half months..pathetic really..but at least it is a loss and not a darn gain..

but i am so very overwhelmed with all of this...im 28 and im looking at having to make choices about my health that will affect me for the rest of my life..i dont want to have to make these choices...i dont want to have to care about what happens to me..but this medical stuff..the diabetes and the high blood pressure..can kill me..quite easily it can kill me..and ok ive learned about it early and can make choices and changes you know..but i think im still wondering if it is worth it..if i want to make the changes..if i want to deal with all of the changes..i go back and forth between caring..sometimes its just to hard to know that i have to make the choice to stay alive and healthy..so many years of bad habits and bad beliefs and useing food as a crutch..and now im being forced to look at all of my choices and fix them..and i wonder if i can do it..i wonder if ill be able to do it and stick to it..

i had to physically force myself to bypass the chips, the snacks, the good stuff in the store today..i did cave on the fries and chicken tenders..but those are gone now and wont be tempting me all week you know...that was an instant gratification type thing..and well im done with the gratification part of it..and now im just feeling disappointed in my choice..and yes i know that it has really only been two weeks and im having to make all sorts of changes..and all sorts of things i cant have..and it is frustrating to me... in all honesty its like i gave myself the death sentence that ive always wanted..and now that its happening i feel completely at a loss for what to do about it..

i dont know ..