insert major tantrum here...

i want to scream. i want to cry and yell and pound on the walls. i want to just throw a tantrum and be a kid and never have to worry about or deal with anything else every again..im tired .. i really am very tired of all of this. 

i know that im just having a hard day.and that i will prolly feel better tomorrow or the day after.  i know i wont feel so down for forever, but right now in this moment it feels like everything is just messed up and im just messed up and i cant do anything right at all.  i know its my head going overboard and magnifying things.  i know all of this. and still i cant seem to stop the thoughts or even manage them.  they are just so overwhelming and i feel so stuck and very alone.  like i dont want to bother anyone with my problems because well everyone is busy with there own lives and they dont need me being so demanding of there time. so i just suffer..or manage. how ever you want to look at it. right now im just suffering and im not sure what is going to make me feel better.  what i want to do is just go ahead and take my night meds and just wait for sleep so that i wont have to keep thinking about stuff. but i have to eat before i can take all of my medicine.and that is even more upsetting right now.

i am hungry..im actually very hungry..but what i want i cant have. i want junk food. pure yummy saltiness and all things bad for you junk food.  im sick of being healthy..im tired of having to count everything. im tired of carbs and not being able to snack and of just all of it.  im sick of my health..maybe thats what im trying to say.  im sick of the fact that ive done all this stuff to myself and now im being forced to pay the price..and ill be paying the price for the rest of my life...first it was with the scars that wont be going away.  and now my own body is rebelling and unable to handle certain foods correctly..and so what has happened??? ive had to give up so much stuff..ive had to suddenly be so very aware of what im eating and when.  my weird eating habits are suddenly coming back in full force..and its all hard to deal with.  i hate the changes..i hate continuing to be so very different..i cant have the stuff i like and so finding new stuff to eat is hard..and i get tired of eating the same stuff over and over.  as much as i like subs im sick of sandwiches. im sick of fruit. and i god awful sick of chicken.. but what other options do i have?  if i dont eat healither ill die..and ill be darned if my stupid health stuff kills me..thats against the rules. and so i am just feeling the stress of it all today.  i mean gosh i havent even eaten a lot today darn it. i had 2 turkey burgers, grilled chicken with cheese and salsa, fruit..and for dinner im going to have a turkey sandwich and some soup if i ever manage to get up and fix it. i mean yes i am craving fast food awfully tonight. and i know its just that im hungry and frustrated about things. and i just want to eat..and well its easy to binge on junk food. it is. but i also know that if i have it then ill just keep eating it. i know im not great with dealing with temptation..im really truly not..so i cant have a lot of stuff in my house or ill just eat it..ugh..so ive been reminding myself that im losing weight..that im doing the right stuff to get healthy.  that i can get through this. but right now im just sorta focusing on getting through the night and making it to tomorrow without doing anything ill regret..

work is its own brand of stress...and with the hoildays here i am feeling more pressured about just everything.  thanksgiving is next week and that is overwhelming all by itsself..i dont want to go home..i dont really want to go to my sisters..and mostly i just dont want to be around mommy and have her looking at me and telling me everything that is wrong with me.  im stressed about everything relating to thanksgiving really..visiting with family. the long drive..the food...managing without going overboard..containing my depression and trying to fit in...i always have to work so hard to try and fit in..how i can feel so out of place in my own family? i dont want to deal with the stress but i have too.  i dont know how to get anyone else to understand that for me i cant go against the expectation. and then i feel like im failing..like i have no reason to complain when i am willing taking myself into a stressful situation. i have to go home, well i have to go to my sisters. its expected.  maybe i wont stay for as long..maybe i can come back early and cut down on some of the stress. i dont know. it keep being told that i can make the choice to not go. that im an adult and can do whatever i want.  its not that easy though, and i feel so stupid for not being able to break away from the bad stuff...i keep going..and i know it drives me crazy and makes me feel like dying..it happens every time...im more worried about going and being around mommy than anything else..mommy who can break me with only a few words of disapproval..or just one conversation about what i need to work on..add in all my recent medical stuff and i know mommy will be questioning me, and telling me what i need to eat or not eat. and i shut down. i take it. i get so upset and have to hide it. and then it comes out in other ways..later on..and thats never a good thing. but it will come out just a matter of how...

the issue with my supervisor is also really making me sad..and confused.. i know she is right but i cant seem to understand why she is right..i was talking to her the other day about some stuff..and well we got around to the topic of my wanting hugs from her..and she told me that she wont give me anymore because i keep asking and that she wants me to figure out what im getting from the hugs..you know in my head i was assuming i was getting comfort. i want hugs. but i only want them from her. i can ask her and not like drop dead on the spot. sometimes i know she will tell me no..and sometimes i have to make her understand that i need a hug.  but once again my inability to control myself has led to her telling me that she most likely will not give me a hug if i ask her for it. she told me that she will not enable me to keep doing something.  and of course my confusion became huge at this point because i was still stuck on wanting the hug and wanting to feel better. i didnt care that she may or may not have been enabling me. and writing this really makes me question the whole conversation we had and i dont understand why. i just want to be comforted. and its so hard for me to even acknowledge that.  somehow i have convinced myself that my supervisor is like my stand in parent and that only she can help me feel better.  i dont want to comfort myself. i dont ..i cant. i want her to comfort me. i want to be able to be with her all the time and have her keep me. i want to have all of her attention and all of her time and just be with her. and no im not a stalker i swear. but its as if i am trying to claim her as mine and that i can make her want me if im good enough.  i have to be good enough, i have to do things to make her happy and proud of me. i have to make her realize that she needs me. i can understand now that i didnt get enough comfort as a child. that i wasnt held or hugged enough. that i didnt get enouguh positive responses. but now that i know this i dont know how to fix it.  most of the time i am completely against being touched or hugged or even looked at.  but with my supervisor i want her to comfort me. i need her to comfort me.  i want to feel like im important, like im needed and wanted and loved. i want her to love me but i would never ever ask her that. i would never ask anyone that.  i dont believe it when mommy says it. and so i always wonder if i am needed. most of the time i dont think im needed or wanted.  most of the time i wonder how easy with would be to just disappear.  how easy would it be to replace me..i dont know how to measure my own self worth..and depend on other people for that.  and so i guess most of the time i dont think im good enough for anything or anyone..i want my supervisor to tell me that im good enough..i do like listening to her sometimes when she tells me all the stuff she sees in me..i like when linda does it to..and i may not completely believe either one of them but its nice to hear.  i need constant comfort and support lately and i dont like it..i want to go back to not needing any of it..i dont want to need hugs and love or any of that..but i do..and i feel like a starving child..i need so much and there is no one to give it to me and i dont know how to go about getting it.  so yeah the conversation with my supervisor left me feeling very not happy and throwing a tantrum in my head big time..like the whole nine yards yelling, screaming, crying..and yet i sat there and just avoided looking at my supervisor.  i told her she would have to remind me again of this conversation and explain it to me again.  and i really think she will have to.  because even writing this makes me want to talk to my supervisor and ask for a hug.  my need for instant gratification is still really high right now..i want to be comforted..i want to be comforted right now .. and this is just making me want to throw a tantrum yet again..i dont like this.

-sigh- there is just a lot in my head ..and im not sure how to get my thoughts under control tonight..