i can identify whats wrong....

my head is truly getting in the way of things right now..i realize that i am being passive aggressive in my approach to get my supervisors attention back..and this is going to lead to all sorts of not so good things if i cant get it back under control.  being in the office today is making me sad because i want to talk to my supervisor but i wont allow myself to .. at least not about non work stuff..and im fighting myself hard on this..i want to talk to her. i want her to talk to me.i want her to hug me. and comfort me and hear me and listen to me..and in general just give me all of her time and attention..and ive been told that if i ask for hugs anymore im going to be told no..and im trying so hard to control myself..i am..but i feel the need to pull back away from her and i dont want to..what i want to do is like completely insert myself into her life and never ever let her leave me..can we say creepy...i dont understand the need..ok the compulsion to be with her..i really dont..and i really feel the need to once again stress that nothing about this is in any way sexual..ugh..yuck.... but i just dont know how to deal with it and its just upsetting me..because it is hard being near her and not talking to her..and well with some resolve that one its monday and 2 other ppl are in the office..so yeah no im not going to have a heart to heart right now...but its just i know her boundary and as much as i want to cross it i cant..and so it just leaves me feeling very confused..very conflicted..and hurt..and sad..and i cant understand why my needs associated with her are completely child like and its like i have to stop and explain myself to myself..i have to reason with myself. i have to prevent myself from throwing tantrums..i have to control my jealously and the desire to lash out at anyone who is getting my supervisors attention if it is not me..i dont make sense..i should know better..i should have myself under better control.. i shouldnt need her so much..but its like ill die without her..and i dont like that i cant have her as much as i want too. i just want to be forever with her..is that so much to ask ?? and maybe it is that its the holidays and that my need for comfort and support move into extreme levels..due to being around mommy more often..and dealing with all of that. and not being able to get comfort or support from mommy .. and so i know i can get it from my supervisor..well i could..but she has cut me off and i may as well just go and lock myself in a box or something so that i wont be near anyone and wont feel like i need to be comforted or hugged. or feel so lonely and just want someone to talk to or want someone to need me..just a little bit...my head is quickly moving into bad areas ..well im already in bad areas..now im just like setting up to stay for a while...im feeling suicidal again..im feeling sad and want to cut..i want to avoid how im feeling and cutting is well an escape that works..i just want to escape the next month and a half..thats it..give me oblivion and nothingness and quietness ... cutting is the only thing that allows for me to truly have a moments peace where nothing is bothering me and nothing is worrying me. my head goes quiet.. i am able to release all of my pent up feelings and thoughts and just all of it..for a little while..is that so much to ask for?