well damn

so im watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame and good grief this is so not really a kids movie... my goodness its not.  i mean i know i watched it as a child and i guess it was pretty scary then..but i watch it now and its like my god what was disney thinking?!!! the underlying sexual. themes, religious intolerance, religion in general, corruption, murder, geez i mean im all for social justice and telling a good story but yeah..i dont see this as a kids movie at all.. but who is paying attention to my 2 cents. yes there is humor, and the always included disney love story but at the same time its hard not to feel bad for quasi.. he lost the girl to the chief dude.. highly disappointing you know... but really ill stop now cas all things aside i do like the movie.  i can deal with this one and see the humor in it...i dont like fantasia though and i dont think ive ever really seen the whole thing.  ir eally dont..-shudders-

but on to other things..

today has been a bad day food wise and i am cursing myself horribly for going so far overboard with my eating...i mean i ate to much and had bread galore..and just ate and ate and ate and im so full and feeling so gross..and yes i know this is one of those things that i had to do inorder to learn from it..but god i feel awful..i realize that it has been a while since ive been so full or overeaten so blantly...and it wont happen again...it wont..i wont let it. another lesson learned...thats what it is..just another lesson and ill move on from this...

the urge to cut is pretty strong though right now..and i dont have it in me to fight it off...im going to be around mommy in less than four days..and the stress is overwhelming me..i want to cry and scream and not go home..and it seems like it should be an easy .i should know what to do..and still i cant do it..i cant say no..i cant not show up..i dont know what to do..and i dont want to go to be around my mom..it makes me feel so vunerable..so small..so childlike ... and i still cant manage it..i feel so very stupid for not being able to manage it. for not being able to just say no and stick with it.  what am i going to do ? what is it going to take.  im incredibly depressed right now ... this week.  i dont have the energy to even fake being happy. there is just to much to do..to much to prepare for..to much of my own stuff to deal with.  i wish i could just not leave the house for the next 3 days and just make myself strong enough to deal with going home. well to deal with being around mommy.  why is it so hard ?  i find no enjoyment in this..i find no enjoyment in the holidays at all. i really dont.  :(

have i mentioned that i have a killer headache?? ugh today and yesterday..ive had a horrible headache..

i want my supervisor..i want a hug..i want something that i am just not able to give myself..and i dont know what it is..i really dont..i just want something..i need something..but i dont know what it is.

my car is having some issues...its not enough that i had to get a new battery this past week because my car died on me again..no today i go to the store and spend to much money of course..and i come out of the store and my tire is almost completely flat! freaking hell...i cant get a break these days.im sorry to whatever damn god i have wronged..but something is seeing fit to make things just seem so darn miserable..a month of feeling sick and off and bad ..just to get past it and have to deal with numerous car issues that i cant afford...damn it..so now i have to figure out money for tires ..money for traveling..and hope that my account will make it..cas well im once again planning to over draw my account..and my next check is going to be really pathetic..due to all the time i ended up not working when i was sick and what not..so that check is really going to be a little miserable..and well im trying to get in as many hours as i can now..but yeah its slow...it is ...blah...my goal for tomorrow is to get in all of my work and get it in on time darn it..i cant be late again..

gosh i really need to talk to linda..my head is incredibly full and im just not able to process everything in my head and as much as i want to deal with and talk about old stuff..i cant freaking get past the present stuff.something is always happening..i mean i guess i am talking more..but yeah as usual i could be doing better you know..i guess i need to go back and find a few things i wrote before and give them to linda..all the things that i cant say...yeah.. but that is scary and makes me want to cry..maybe i need to work on a collage tonight..maybe that will help clear my head some...my not so great thoughts are just really overwhelming and i really wonder what the point of all of this is..and why it is even important to keep trying..why its important to stay alive...the holidays are supposed to be a happy time ..yet i feel more suicidal these days than any other time..well the suicidal feelings are more pressing these days and its harder to move past them..

is it possible to get money to grow on trees?? i may need that to happen asap .. blah

ok ... im done..for now anyway... and even all of this writing and my head still feels like a battle field.  joy