i have finally today stopped putting off cleaning and everything..heather is having an apprasial this week and well i dont want them to get low marks or anything on my account..that would so stink..and so yeah i was asked pretty straightforwardly to clean up and everything and well with everything that has gone on this week i didnt do it..until today...and well the cleaning has made me feel very very sad...like in cleaning everything i am somehow erasing the fact that dusti was ever here ..and that makes me feel very sad at at an odds about things..i mean yeah it was good to clean and kinda air out the room..get rid of the germs that may have been lingering around..with bounce playing in everything..and i can understand that it is good to clean up really well after a sick animal..but it also just makes me sad..and so i had to stop and write because the feelings are well a little overpowering right now...like some how i am feeling happy or ok or in a good mood and that its not fair for me to be feeling this way when i just lost dusti...regardless of her being a cat..she was my family..my best friend..i considered her as human as anyone else..and her being gone is really very hard..and does feel like a part of me ahs died with her..and well its like just sad feelings now that come and go..and im trying to deal with them and not focus on them to much..cas i have to go to work this week..and i cant slack off anymore and so i have to get my head together :(
in other news..i may have a new job at the end of the week..residential job...steady pay...40 + hours a week..and im excited about it..and i am walking into it with my eyes wide open..ive been with girls groups and i know how they work and how the attitudes and snippiness..and well just flat out bitching can happen at the drop of a hat...but its all stuff ive dealt with before..and well i can do it again..and i have learned a lot since my other residential job..and so im not afraid that i cant do the job or anything..im afraid to start over again..to be in a new enviroment...but i know that i need to get out of the inhome enviroment for a while..i just kinda want a safe stable job..that i can depend on and that i will work at ..and that i will have benefits on..thats all i want..and if i get this job...( which i have been offered pending my background check) then things will change a lot..things will be more stable..i will be more stable..i will have more money..well kinda ..pay wise..its less than im making now..but the steady hurs are better..so i think it will equal out..and plus i will be able to get extra time and stuff through over time..so that is prefectly fine..plus ill be able to get sick ppay, vacation time..etc ...like a real job ..and that is what i think i need to get back into...plus ill be on the early shift and that makes things better..once i know i have the job..then ill have to look at moving and getting caught up with bills and everything..which ill be able to do then...no problem..but job first ..then apartment...then moving..and then by all means i hope ill have stability...since june of last year i think that is what has been missing..the stability..the knowing that i have a paycheck coming that i can count on..and depend on...the knowing that i can truly take care of myself again..that i will be able to truly keep up and not be chasing down checks..the pros outweigh the cons..i liked the steadiness of the other residential job..and today i have to wonder how long i would have been there if i hadnt messeed up...i wonder how things would have turned out...and i know that i cant look at the past now..i know i have to move on from them..and the mistakes i made because i have learned from them..i have learned a lot from the jobs i have had..i have learned to take responsibility for things i have done or not done..and i know that giving up doesnt help anything at all..and that regardless of everything i am still here..i am still trying...im trying so hard to just discover my own space..discover who i am..find the level of adult competence that i seem to avoid like the plague...because linda says that it is in there..and that i am doing adult things..but that the kid parts of me are still running rampant..and that i am staying in mommys control...and i think that the mommy issues are the ones that i shut down on the most..and well i know i am making small changes with things...but that there is still a long way to go with all of that..but im trying ..a little at a time . thats all i can do...-sigh- its like things are changing..for the better...but still the wariness of it all weighs on me..what if something happens and i mess up..what if i dont get the job or cant find a place to live...so many if's to deal with and figure out...and it makes me feel so very confused and lost...
mommy mentioned that i could get another cat...and i know now that i will at some point..but i also realize that i am not in the frame of mind right now to get another cat..im not finacially able to get another cat..and it will most likely be the end of the year/beginning of next year before i get another cat...before bounce gets to be an old fart lol..that way they will be able to play and both have energy to burn...but i know that i will need time...a lot of time i think..to be able to move past dusti...and again it can be a learning expereince...you know i knew dusti wasnt eating..i knew she was losing weight..i had talked about it with others..i didnt ignore it..but i didnt have the funds..and then when both bounce and dusti started to have issues i took them both to the vet..i borrowed..begged..pleaded to borrow money from everyone..and got them to the vet..and it was at the vet..where they could help her that we discovered ujst how sick dusti was...i wonder what would have happened if i had put it off..what would have happened if i had just waited a little longer...because it was the stress of going to the vet that brought all of dustis issues to the service..and i realize that she had been sick for quite a while..i dont know how..or why..but she was sick..and i just couldnt figure out what was wrong..and then i did know and it was sad..very sad...i cried a lot last week...i felt guilty and blamed myself and just went through all sorts of emotions..and it took even more to realize that i needed to be able to let dusti go..and that it was going to hurt more than anything else..but she was sick and i just couldnt keep forcing the food and medcine..i couldnt deal with seeing her just laying there with no energy..she stopped fighting me..when i picked her up..she stopped reacting when i rubbed her...she couldnt breathe..she couldnt move...and i couldnt let her live like that..i couldnt...and so when i got her back to the vet..thankfully i wasnt dealing with all of this alone..because heather was there to help and ask questions and all of that too...and i let them put her to sleep..i was there till the very end..i got to say goodbye...i held on to her for as long as i could..i petted her and poured all the love i had for her into her and was able to say goodbye..i have found some good pictures of dusti that i am going to put into a frame and keep forever...i like to think that dusti had a good life..and that she was loved and taken care of..and now i am just in the process of letting her go ...it doesnt hurt so much today..but today i am remembering her vividly..and i am missing her lots...but i wont forget her...never
mommy is pushing hard lately for me to realize how lucky i am..how well i have things..and it frustrates me to no end...i realize that on some levels yes i am lucky...yes i understand that i have my family..that they will help..and they all did help when dusti was sick..they were sad when she died..they knew she meant a lot to me..and they were all supportive...i am talking more to my sister now..and talking more to mommy about some things..mommy still addrsses the cutting as (doing that) or (hurting myself)...and implies that im still doing it when im not...gosh how long as it been since ive cut? last week was certainly hard in that department..but didnt give in..was able to move past that...and i get so confused sometimes about my family..about mommy and how i feel about her...i dont know if i love her or like her or hate her..i dont know..the good is mixed in with the bad..she is supportive but she takes it overboard...am i supposed to let the old stuff go? and just focus on the now? am i supposed to forget all of the hitting and yelling and screaming and other stuff? am i supposed to let go of the fact that she told me fairly straight forwardly that she would kill me..as she held a knife to my throat...and then all the underhanded manipulation..of upsetting me on purpose..of bribing me and guilting me into doing what she wants...of controlling what i do both with my life and with my money...how can i forget all of that for a few months of kinda sometimes support? how can i build a relationship on the now stuff and just lef go of the old stuff...because i am slowly talking to linda and at some point its all going to be out on the table..and maybe linda can help me make sense of my craziness...i dont know how to see my family..how to deal with my family...i dont feel like i connect with my family at all..maybe thats the problem..that i am a member of a family that i dont feel i fit into becasue im so different..so crazy..so quiet...and so in control of my reactions...at home its a no reaction to anything type deal..hiding and pretending are important aspects of being at home...mommy rules at home and that has not changed..and i go home and fall back into the trap..i go back to thinking about how worthless and stupid i am..and i hate that..i hate that she can push my buttons so easily and that i let her...i do let her and i hate that too...i think i need to start taking some of my writing to linda..maybe it would be helpful for her to know some of my conflicting thoughts and feelings...although i am completely ashamed of my last time with linda and what i said before leaving her ...i cant believe i lost control like that..and i also cant believe that i have not been punished for allowing what was said to be said...i spend so much time not touching my real feelings or hiding from them..and i had the nerve to blurt out that i would some things on purpose and that i couldnt get better..and all of that..my deep personal thoughts came bursting out of me..and i realize i was trying to explain..trying to make her see...but i dont know what i wanted her to see..i dont know what i wanted her to say..and i most certainly dont know what i need from her..i wish i knew though...but i dont ..i know i dont want her for a parent..a mom...but i think i want more than just therapist...im not sure though..and that confuses me too..i wish i knew what i wanted..but things just get all hazy and not of focus when i think of wants and needs and all of that..and it makes me anxious...im so used to just fufilling others needs..im just used to helping others..i dont want to help myself..i dont know how to help myself..and it frustrates me...but im nervous about seeing her this week..and im nervous about what she will tell me..because somewhere in my head i dont think im going to like what she will say..i dont think i want to hear what she is going to say..and i guess im wondering if she thinks im completely crazy..completely out of my mind crazy..and it scares me because i try so hard to just seem normal and in control and well not crazy..but my thoughts are crazy most of the time..i feel crazy most of the time..but that doesnt mean that i want someone else to know that about me..because that counts as losing control..and i dont like that...thats why i work so so very hard to be quiet..to be silent..to say just enough to get someone to believe what i am saying..and what im feeling...but then i have to realize that i also know all the therapy stuff..i know how to analyze..and i go out of my way to not like use my knowledge against my docs..ireally do..there are times that i just play stupid..and i let someone tell me something i know..but i dont go in with my own plans or anything..and i wonder if sometimes my degree will be held against me..i dont know..i wonder what it means to be better..to get better...and im afraid of it..im afraid that ill be expected to not need support or anything...and that ill just kinda fade away..its so weird though...cas one of my biggest fears is being forgotten..but then i go out of my way to be quiet and not noticed..and everything..and i thought that without the cutting i would be nothing..a nobody..there was nothing that singled me out to be noticed for the attention i didnt want..and i have stopped cutting ..and im noticed or not noticed about the same...but for some reason i have developed the same feelings ..thoughts to not having constant therapy...and i dont know how to explain it to linda...maybe its just as simple as saying that im not ready to be out of therapy..and logically yeah im not ready cas theres a lot of junk going on...and thats prolly why the every other week freaked me out so bad..i mean yeah i can manage without therapy but i dont want to..i dont have anyone else to really truly talk to about stuff..and about what im feeling and all of that..and so not seeing linda makes me feel afraid for myself and what ill do.because there is truth in that ill create crisis so that she will see me and help me...i know that i will sabotage any and everything to create problems...yeah that is true..and so so so very well crazy...ugh
and so i guess its just a lot of worries right now in my head..and so many decisions to make and life with..one thing at a time ..but i feel a it overwhelmed with it all...and just a little on edge...its like i have so much to do and so much to get done and not enough time to do anything..and that scares me..a lot..
i know i need to have a game plan..a schedule of what i need to get done and when..im slowly developing a budget and getting lists together of who i owe what and what money i have coming in and all of that...i have so much to work on money wise...and i know that within feb ill have to start packing up and looking at moving to my own place..and saying goodbye to heather and nate..and once again moving on...how many times am i going to have to move on?? but there is some excitement with moving..i do miss my stuff..and well being abl to decorate and actually have furniture and set things up is exciting...very exciting..but moving is starting over once again..and well change is really very hard for me..and i tend to freak out..but it is a sad time too..cas ill go back to living alone..and being alone..after living for a few months with other people..and having to talk and stuff..but things have to change i guess..and my stay here is over ..and so that means moving on..and ill have to move on..cas well ive tried in vain to ask to stay ...and no i wasnt expecting to be able to stay ..but still i asked...no its time for me to go out again on my own..and try again..and well i just kinda refuse for things to be messed up this time...i want things to be better..im ready for things to be better..and so..yeah..that means a job and steady pay and insurance and all of that...essh...
things i have to get done today
laundry
cleaning up room still
putting away all the clothes on my bed
getting some stuff put in my car
dinner
and
doing notes
so what do i have next week...
im waiting to hear about the job
i may or may not have to put in my notice at my current job
i have to go and get a drug screen
i have to see all my clients
i have to complete and turn in all notes
have to pay a few bills (wire in my car note and mommys money)
and i need to take in the apartment info and see what they say
well i guess ive rambled on enough for today...i think i needed to clear my head a bit..and now i have to actually get up and get some more things done...i mean i think ive done pretty good with the room so far..but yeah still some things to do...was feeling a bit sick stomach wise earlier today..and im hoping that is over and done with...but yeah..more things to get done..and so gotta stay focused..for a while longer..and take a break a little later..i mean this has been a decent break and head is feeling a bit better...but yeah...still a lot going on head wise..
im avoiding calling mommy ..which i need to do cas she will just call me a million times until she gets me...and hmm should prolly call nia too and see hows shes doing..i guess my stint of trying to ignore the world is over with for now..an i have to stay engaged and present this week..because there is a lot that i need to do..heck ill go for just staying present in today..and not worrying about any other days..
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