not in a great space...

i wonder sometimes how it is that i manage to completely hide my craziness from other people..i wonder how it is that no one cas see just how convulated my thoughts can how..how illogical and harmful they are..to me..my thoughts are generally about me..about dying..about hurting..about shame, guilt, fear...continous cycles of thoughts that just cause harm and fear.. and i dont understand how i am not locked up for being a danger to society...where was my control today...i just feel the need to scream and yell at my self for what i talked about in therapy today and im mad ..im upset..because i know it wont be dropped..i know that i started it and now i have to finish it and i just want to scream in frustration for losing my control like that..i realize that the underlying purpose was not present as i was spilling my dark thoughts to linda..something told me to just shut up and let it go but i couldnt..part of me needed her to know that i am a complete nut case .. that i have all of this stuff in my head and no one knows about it and no one can help and it will eat me alive because i spend so much time and energy hiding it and pretending its not there..i have to keep control and i didnt today and it feels like i was toeing the line into saying to much..into revealing to much and i cant let that happen..i cant but now i cant take back my words and i have to deal with it somehow..but i feel afraid and trapped because today i told the complete truth..and i told it calmly and logically .. and by the time i was finished i did feel completely crazy..because my logic is flawed severely because what i talked about today was dangerous..because it pushes the line into being a cause for concern...in a way it made me feel like i am pushing the line to have my needs met and the problem is that i dont know what need it is..i dont know what need it is that i want linda to fill for me..i just know that it has to come from her and that i dont know how to get it from anyone else..last week i did struggle with thinking i needed to create a crisis, i wanted her attention..i wanted to demand her attention..and well hell i got her attention today and i wasnt even trying to i dont think..i dont know..sometimes i dont understand what it is that i want or what it is that im going for..but today i feel like i talked in circles..i know i revealed to much..on that i am sure...but i also feel like i pulled away from it enough to be able to talk about it quite calmly..i truly dont think that i am codependent on linda..because i can leave after the appointment and move on from her..not always able to move on from what we talk about but i can move on from her..

hmm so much in my head right now..but i gotta get some work done...