the past couple days ive been not motivated at all to do any writing ..and so head was just feeling up with thoughts and feelings and emotions and all sorts of feelings..and today it was just like ok..i need to write and ill just start writing and see what comes out...writing is helpful in that it lets me drain off the excess of emotions that i feel...but once i drain them off the underlying sadness comes out..and that is hard..cas i mean overall im feeling ok..but writing and thinking and remembering has left me feeling a bit sad..and bit disconnected...so im trying to write and gather myself together again so that i can work on some work stuff..so that im not up all night and so that i can get it done and just be done with it...but well what ive been writing about...
well things are feeling completely different lately..like im suddenly caring..im suddenly trying..i want things to be better..to feel better..and now out of the blue im willing to put the work into it..im willing to try and make the changes..and to better myself...and i am working on being nicer to myself..giving myself a break..and just doing things to keep my stress levels down and inorder...last year was a huge learning experience....i amde mistakes..and i have the consequences...i learned from my mistakes though..i really did...last year i think was my lowest year yet..last year was the closest i got to being so low and suicidal and looking at being put into the hospital...and i never ever want to feel that bad again..so many days and nights that i spent feeling like dying..wanting to die..wanting to just go away and not be here anymore..so much struggling and hoping that i would wake up the next morning to a better day..yoou know i even look forward to therapy now..although linda tells me that she thinks im dependent on the idea of therapy..and i guess she is right...i like the idea of having someone to talk to..of having someone to listen to me..even if i dont want to talk..i dont have that from anyone else..and i guess i like getting it in therapy..i like the safety and the quietness of therapy..and im afraid to let it go..
but ive also been thinking about just how much ive changed lately...how much i want things to be better..i know what i want to work for and i just have to remind myself constantly that this is what i want and no one is going to tell me what to do..and i was easily swayed yesterday and forgot what my goal was..and ended up feeling all out of sorts because i didnt think i would be able to live up to the expectations that heather and her husband place on me..and it took me until today to kinda calm down and remember that the expectation is a logical one..and that my original plan is completely doable ..and that i dont need to worry ...things are going to work out this time..im sure of it..things are going to be different this time around..this year..and i have to remind myself to just take things a day at a time...
ive been feeling super awful about food and how ive been eating lately..like its been over the top binging on fast food..and just making bad choices in general when it comes to food ..and i know its happening because i menetioned that i felt i was losing weight and so of course that immediately becomes ..hmmm let me sabatoge myself and just eat horribly...but that is going to change...ive decided that i am going to join weight watchers..and start eating better and healthier ... for me..not for anyone else...and its not dieting either..its eating healthy and im doing weight watchers instead of just not eating meat..because the vegetarian thing is used in a way that is not healthy or good at all ..and im trying to avoid that..and so..yeah..going to give weight watchers a try..and again take things as they come and just see how it goes...
im fighting to stick to my plan of not moving right now..i want another year in va at least before moving somewhere else..i really do and im not going to let mommy change my mind..or anyone else for that matter..right now i have a two month plan..so that i can move back into my own place by march..well by the end of feb preferably..and with that means getting up to 40 hours..and staying there...and it also means that ill need to be able to pay out of pocket for my insurance plan...i have to keep my insurance..and well if it means budgeting it in and paying for it so i can keep it then so be it..cas i have some medical issues going on and i just need to have the insurance..i really do..and so my plans for jan is to get up to 40 hours at my job and not apply anywhere else for now..and wait to see about the other places ive alrady applied for...and then in feb ill start looking for an apartment and working as much as i can without overloading myself...no more working two jobs or working weekends...im not doing it...and its to much stress on myself..(see something i learned last year)..and i just fall apart and cant keep up...so i do have goals and plans..an they are what i want them to be..and i have to keep telling myself that because again i am easily swayed into thinking and believing what other people say and want..and so yeah..
linda is right in that i have a lot of stuff going on and that i am still in crisis in a way..but im trying to stay positive and i feel more upbeat and able to manage..so that is good..some how i just have to keep managing and working and living..and allow the things i cant control to not worry me..easier said than done..but i am putting the effort into it..im trying to stay present and alert..and do what i need to do..so yeah..i am back to feeling more focused and at ease with my current decisions...
yeah
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